Lust, Love, and the American Divorce.
Apr 10 '01
The Bottom Line Divorce hurts everyone...a second chance only hurts if there is a lack of willingness to work at the marriage on either part.
Why do people get married? That is the question in my mind as I peruse this topic I am going to open my big mouth and voice my opinion on. People do not make the choice to forever seal the agreement to remain monogamous to one another thinking, "Gee, in about 2 years, 4 months, and 3 days I am going to be divorced from this person I pledged my life to." That is not usually the case...I mean, if it is then you should seriously consider the giant step you are about to take. In order to answer how to deal with divorce, you have to go back to the beginning and question your motives for marriage in the first place. So our first question is why do we get married?
WHY DO WE GET MARRIED?
I strongly believe some people get married mistaking lust for love. With all the people running around and having sex nowadays, the emotional and intimate aspect of sex is somewhat diminished in the capacity of love. Just because you acted like two bunnies on daffodil hill doesn't mean you have a love thing going on just because it was so incredible or passionate. The point is that when you are coming down off the hill, how is the rest of your relationship? Can you talk to this person like you've known them your whole life? Do they stimulate you in not only the physical sense, but the mental and soul sense as well? In other words, barring the occasional disagreement, do you enjoy this person thoroughly?
Most people get married out of loving and caring for their significant other and the desire to build a life together based in compromise, trust, communication, and mutual respect. Some people get married to feel more secure in life or out of necessity or a variety of miscellaneous reasons. Whatever the reason it is their own...but sometimes those very same reasons is what causes a marriage to end in divorce.
WHY PEOPLE GET DIVORCED?
Let's face it marriage has its ups and downs...yes even the ones that seems so perfect. I am willing to bet though, that a lot of marriages end due to lack of communication and understanding on the parts of those involved in the marriage. The little things do and can add up.
The only thing that can be done to prevent the huge buildup to the blowup is talking about things as they come along. People tend to hurt the ones they love most. Why? Because they forget to say things in a calm and rational manner and instead blow up and say things they later regret. There is also the terrible tendency to bring up things in the past that should have been forgiven already. The person you marry is supposed to be the one you love so why would you want to hurt that person. You get married to stay that way so I would think you would want to be especially considerate and kind towards them.
If the marriage is lacking of communication and understanding, this can bring further problems such as jealousy, dishonesty, infidelity, until there is a total breakdown of the marital basis. Make no doubt that communication and understanding is most definitely the base of any good marriage. Without it you are doomed to fail. If you love someone you communicate and have a desire to understand that person which in time becomes trust which ties into fidelity and responsibility for ones actions. Every action towards your partner should be steeped in the love you have for them. As a spouse, you have incredible power because you can hurt that person you are married to the worst they have ever been hurt. It is because of this power and the knowledge of it, we should be especially careful.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER?
Think about what brought you together and analyze the reasons you got married. Did you get married because of surface reasons such as looks, bunny romping capabilities, maybe they were financially stable? Or was it because of deeper reasons; you enjoy talking to he/she, their personality, all the fun you had while dating.
If it was simply surface reasons, well I would have to say, do not read any further and make a decision to either see a marriage counselor or make an appointment with your lawyer.
If it was deeper reasons then there is a way to get it back. Make some time for each other. Remember what you had when you were dating or in the early years of marriage and how that felt. Start saying please and thank you again and appreciating the little things about each other and the little things you do for each other. Instead of insults, try compliments. Instead of silence, try talking. It may not be easy but if you still have love it can go a long way if both parties are willing to give a little. The one main key to a happy marriage is still behaving as you if you were still dating. Another thing is getting the thought out of your head that you can change this person. People cannot usually change what is ingrained in their personalities. So if you married someone who is quiet and now you wish they talked more or were more outgoing at parties, give it up because how he/she was when you married them is not apt to change a whole lot. Granted people change as they grow and learn and expand their lives, however, you have to love and accept the "inner" them because that is who they really are...and you have been given the privilege of seeing the most vulnerable part of their being. Love, communication, compromise, understanding, loyalty, fidelity, trust, caring, appreciation, and responsibility are all words that describe a good marriage. To have the good marriage, you have to practice the definitions of each of these words.
TIME TO CALL IT QUITS?
You may disagree, but if you are emotionally, physically, or mentally abused...GET OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE!!!!!! If you feel like you are treading on eggshells with your spouse every day, in fear of wearing a certain outfit, afraid to speak to another person because of what may come later, or your spouse is sheltering you from your friends and loved ones because he/she thinks its "for your own good" then you may want to reconsider who you married. No one should go through any day in fear of the person they are married to and emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical.
If your spouse is cheating on you the marriage is too far gone and you would be better off getting a divorce. Now unless you've agreed to be swingers then marriage is a commitment between TWO people and I don't care what the excuse is, no one deserves to be cheated on. I understand why some people do it, but if you plan on having sex with everyone but your spouse, then you should not be married and your spouse should not have to stay and put up with it. End of story.
Sometimes the marriage is just over and no matter what you have tried to do to make it work, people change and grow apart. And it is just that simple sometimes...people grow apart and their lives go in different directions and it isn't anyone's fault, it is just the way it goes sometimes.
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?
Do not doubt for a moment that kids are not clueless as we might like to think. They may not know what is the total story, but be warned that children can sense when things are not right with "mommy" and "daddy." The best thing you can do if you decide to get a divorce is to be completely honest with your child about the situation. Sit down together if possible as a couple and tell your child what is going on and make sure they know it is not their fault in the least bit.
Although you and your spouse have made the decision to be divorced, work out the custody as fairly as possible and don't play "games" with each other. Your child or children are not a game or a pawn to be used against each other. Since you and your spouse will be dealing with each other on a regular basis it is important to at least maintain politeness while your children are around. Talk to and spend time with your children and let them know they are free to talk about their feelings with you as well. If you just take that little bit of extra time with them even if you must seek some counseling for them, your efforts will make the divorce a bit smoother of a transition for them as well as yourself.
Divorce is not an easy thing to go through, so before you make a decision to end your commitment to each other, make sure you have done everything possible to make it work. You married each other out of love and the question you must ask yourself is "Is our love now such an unimportant thing to me that I am not willing to give our marriage a second chance." No problem is too big if two people choose to work together to solve it.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope this opinion was of benefit to you.
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zenstar812
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Siegfried Sassoon
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