Creating families
Apr 23 '01
The Bottom Line There are good ways to build a family through adoption. Research and choose wisely. You'll need to feel good about your choice when you explain it to your children.
There are three ways to build a family:
o Marriage
o Birth
o Adoption
Our oldest son knows this and explained it to his preschool
class one day, unprompted by adults. His teacher told me
that our son was responding to a classmate, making fun of
a girl in his class who is adopted. How did my son have
such a great spiel, at his young age? It turned out to
be part of the education our adoption counselor had done
with him.
Before marrying, both my husband and I had always had a
sense that we would adopt children. We entered the adoption
world through the foster system in Ohio. Fostering a
teenage girl wasn't easy but it was very rewarding in many
ways. When we moved to Oregon, we took the foster/adoption
classes offered by the state. I was working too many high
tech hours at the time so we decided to hold off. Nature
had other plans, and our son was born.
Soon, enjoying parenting a young child, our thoughts turned
to adoption again. Our research showed us three basic ways
to adopt - privately through a lawyer, through the state's
foster/adoption system or through an agency. We chose an
agency for several reasons.
Lawyers appear to be a good choice for people who want
absolute privacy. Bound by client privilege, they won't
reveal any secrets. Also, lawyers can often get couples
the "highly desirable" infants, for a price. Expenses
which can be reimbursed to birth families are regulated
but somewhat flexible. There is no requirement that
lawyers spend any of the adoption fee on counseling for
the birth family. Although many lawyers undoubtedly do
a wonderful job for both the birth families and adoptive
parents, we had no guarantees that the one we chose
would. My husband and I didn't feel comfortable with
this option. It seemed too much like buying a child for
us. We also don't believe in the secrecy as it leads to
shame within adoption.
State systems can be the least expensive way to go. In
Oregon, the state often asks you to foster a child, then
decides whether to proceed with an adoption. I didn't want
to go through the bonding process and then say goodbye so
we decided not to go with the state. Also, I really wanted
another infant. Our state typically handles older
children which are removed from homes after birth parents
run into difficulties.
What we were looking for was a system where children who
needed homes were given the best possible one for their
situation. Subtly perhaps, but it is definitely different
than finding children for those who needed to parent. When
we looked into Oregon non-profit adoption agencies, we found
a couple which fit the bill. They were really aggressively
looking out for the childrens' rights while placing them as
carefully and quickly as possible.
Agencies come in many flavors. Some are for profit, some
are non-profit. In the state of Oregon, if an agency is
licensed by the state, birth parent relinquishments (when
the birth parents sign papers giving up their parental
rights) are final. There is no waiting period. With
private lawyer adoptions, there is an at-risk waiting
period when birth parents can regain their parental rights.
When we adopted, the time period when birth parents could
seek to regain their rights was 6 months in Oregon private
adoptions. All states have different time periods and
regulations pertaining to birth parent rights. I should
also point out that in no state can any potential birth
parent sign away their rights prior to the actual arrival
of their child. Any papers they sign prior to the birth
are not binding in any way.
Zero at risk waiting period with Oregon licensed agencies
is very favorable toward adoptive parents. Think of having
a child, loving it, caring for it, and finding out 6 months
later that you need to say goodbye. That is a very
difficult situation for the child, as well as those who
have cared for the baby.
What about the birth parents' rights? Having no waiting
period means that birth parents really NEED to be
sure of what they are doing before signing off on their
rights. The agencies which attracted our favorable
attention seemed to do a great job of educating potential
birth parents and their families. Counseling sessions
(multiple) were required before papers could be signed.
Other alternatives were exhaustively researched before
adoption was settled on as a last resort. If there were
short term financial problems or a possibility of the baby
staying with extended family, that was explored. WIC (food
aid), food stamps, clothing donations and other charitable
help was offered. The agencies wanted to feel sure that
adoption was the right solution for a troubled family
before involving potential adoptive parents.
Most comfortable for us was our fit with Boys and Girls
Aid Society. The oldest agency in Portland, Oregon, it was
founded to take care of orphans from the Oregon Trail. We
liked the fact that at least 2 counselors were assigned
to each case - one for the birth family and one for the
adoptive family. The waiting adoptive family needs
education and counseling, just as the birth family does.
We took classes, filled out tons of paperwork including
a 77 question essay paper with very in-depth questions
about marriage, how we were raised, our extended families
and boxers or briefs. (Just kidding, although it was
very personal!) Each half of the couple fills one out
and my husband and I clicked dual computers for many late
nights. (Think "Dueling Banjos" - we used to hum it!)
There were separate psychological interviews for each of
us, observations of us interacting with our son, who acted
up the most EVER on the days the social worker saw him,
home visits, and plenty of phone calls. I think the social
workers at the agency know us better than we do! There
were also criminal, job, personal reference and financial
checks.
One of our training sessions involved sensitivity to the
birth family's plight. It is a strange dichotomy in adoption.
You pair a family who wants to parent with a family who is
in a crisis where they feel they can't parent. The birth
family's crisis doesn't mean that they don't desire to
parent though. The fact that they are at the agency means
that they have no choices which are ideal. They are just
trying to make a decision which will be best when they don't
like any of the options available. We talked to an adoption
triad - the birth mother, adoptive family and the daughter
who was adopted. They each told their story and how they
came to educate adoption classes as a group.
That brings me to open adoption. Obviously, the triad
at our class was involved in an open adoption. That means
the participants all know each other and keep in touch.
This is becoming a common adoption practice. Adoptive
families which desire secrecy are more frequently needing
to go the private lawyer adoption route as agencies make
more open adoption plans. Birth families have been
requesting more contact, which has blossomed into an openness
trend. A good book for learning more about open adoption
is "The Open Adoption Experience" by Melina and Roszia.
I learned quite a bit from reading it, including the
invaluable advice I reiterated in my epinion about
"Handling the nosiest questions" at
http://nwinston.epinions.com/kifm-review-4D21-3637BAC-39805A6E-prod3
Boys and Girls Aid Society has birth families choose the
adoptive family for their child. Once a potential adoptive
family is approved, they prepare a photo album of family
pictures. Ours was filled with photos of our son and our
dogs, doing activities in our back yard and in parks.
Birth families are shown books which match their
requirements for religion, race or anything that's important
to them. From those books, they choose a family. They
may choose to meet or not, it's up to them. We were chosen
fairly quickly. Actually, the whole thing went much
faster than having a child biologically.
Cost can be a factor for some in adoption. The agency
we chose had a sliding fee scale based on income. The top
fee was less than $15,000. Because I said I would take
at least a 9 month leave of absence and hoped to stay
home permanently, they didn't consider my income in our
fee. The adoptive family we met in our class was out of
work when they adopted, so they had a very low fee adoption.
Because it was a non-profit agency, the money paid went
for unreimbursed medical expenses, counseling and other
financial aid, as well as salaries and overhead.
Before closing out this long winded editorial, I feel I
need to add to it's length. Yes, I hear you patient readers
groaning! There have been a few VERY HIGH publicity cases
where adoptions have gone terribly wrong. I need to note
that they were at-risk adoptions. Most agencies either
don't do at-risk adoptions or are very cautious in calling
out the risks before becoming involved. At-risk adoptions
include those where a birth father is not known, not named
or has not given permission for the adoption, those where
some interested party is questioning the adoption or those
where the competence of the parties is in question. If
you are contemplating an adoption where any of those
factors is present, you may have an adoption disruption,
where the child ends up being removed from your home.
Keep in mind that reputable agencies have very few if any
disruptions in their history because they steer clear of
these circumstances. Ask your agency their history
pertaining to disruptions and at-risk placements before
giving them any fees.
We are very pleased with our experience (and our son) and
keep in touch with the agency regularly. We are getting
ready to attend our third of the annual adoption parties
at the agency. I told the guys we were going soon and
Jacob remembered the clown from last year. We are looking
forward to going next week!
Adoption can be a great way to make a family. My advice
to those considering it is to do plenty of research and
reading before selecting a course of action. There are
good options out there. Make sure you choose one you'll
feel good about now and also later, when you explain your
choices to your children.
Note: We don't believe in keeping information about
adoption secret from adoptees. In Oregon, Alaska, Kansas &
Alabama, people who know they are adopted can get
unrestricted access to their original birth certificate
at age 21. However, if they are never told they are
adopted, they don't know to look. The law in Oregon is
recent and was hard fought. Thanks Helen Hill and all
others who perservered!
Funny aside about our home visit - everyone always jokes about
impressing the social worker with "homemaker skills." Our
home visit occurred the same day as my play group did a
cookie exchange for the holidays. When the social worker
arrived, our home smelled like fresh baked cookies. On the
table, awaiting her palate, were 20 or so tempting
varieties of freshly baked cookies! She remarked that I
was one of the few to actually go this far! I cracked up
and 'fessed up that it might be the only time that year
to find fresh cookies in my home - due to the cookie
exchange. When I saw her a year later, we laughed about
it again.
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Epinions.com ID:
nwinston
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Location: US
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About Me:
Loving my boys and the summer weather in Oregon!
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