Flamin' Hot Cheetos - The Breakfast of Pregnant Champions - TGWO
Written: May 01 '01 (Updated Sep 06 '09)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: 50 servings gives the typical adult the full RDA of iron. They taste pretty good.
Cons: Vile. Revolting. Mysterious l'eau de Sloucho flavoring
The Bottom Line: They'll make you sick, but it's almost worth it.
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| prfstars's Full Review: Groceries |
Husbands of the world, you've been had. Since the first Neanderthal was sent from his cave on a moonless night to find wild berries and fresh gazelle meat for his pregnant mate, every female hominid has learned to propagate the deception. Cravings. We ask for unreasonable foods at unreasonable hours, and you get them for us. Suckers!
Being pregnant allows you to put all sorts of things in your mouth in the name of cravings. It justifies the bad eating habits you already have, and enables you to form newer and more revolting ones. Our bodies do occasionally request some extra nutrients in various forms; it's not unusual for a pregnant woman to automatically increase her consumption of foods high in calcium, for example. My female friends can self-servingly justify any craving...
I ate a pint of Haagen Dazs. My body must be craving calcium!
I ate the entire can of Pringles. The baby must need some salt!
The baby would be happy with a glass of lowfat milk or a couple of saltines. I know that. My friends know that. Every woman knows it. Unfortunately (for me) the only man who seems to know it is the one I married. I've been pregnant for a total of 14 months, and I've never been able to convince him to run out to buy either baby a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
I've always liked Flamin' Hot Cheetos, but now that I'm a belly-sporting second trimesterette, I pretend that I crave them. My husband won't bite, but my best friend showers me with 99 cent Big Grab Bags from 7-11. I eat them as fast as she can bring them to me, but I can't really tell you why. To be honest, they're quite vile.
Flamin' Hot Cheetos contain 160 calories per serving. They're about 60% fat, and we're not talking good fat-- there's no heart-friendly olive oil in these things. There's no dietary fiber, no calcium, and not even a homeopathic trace of a vitamin. Flamin' Hot Cheetos are nutritionally bankrupt.
What they do contain is food coloring. Four varieties of yellow and one of red combine to form a crimson coating that does not come off your fingers. At least my baby is getting a nice flush of color, which you really can't get from milk or saltines.
But How Do They Taste? I'm glad you asked. Despite the name, these are far from flamin' hot. They do have a bit of a kick though, and the effect is cumulative. If you're a meat and potato eatin' Idahoan, these may burn your virgin taste buds.
The source of Flamin' Hot Cheetos' minor flame is a complete mystery. Besides corn meal and oil, the primary ingredients are salt, cheddar cheese, and sugar. There's some onion and garlic tossed in, but nothing hot. That leaves us with "natural flavors," the only FDA sanctioned mystery ingredients. According to the Code of Federal Regulations for food labeling, "natural flavors" are defined as:
the essential oil, oleo-resin, essence or extractive, protein hydrolysate, distillate, or any product of roasting, heating or enzymolysis, which contains the flavoring constituents derived from a spice, fruit or fruit juice, vegetable or vegetable juice, edible yeast, herb, bark, bud, root, leaf or similar plant material, meat, seafood, poultry, eggs, dairy products, or fermentation products thereof, whose significant function in food is flavoring rather than nutritional.
Since the overwhelming flavor in these things isn't corn meal, cheddar, salt, sugar, garlic, or onion, I want to know what the hell gives them their kick. In all of my readings, the only substance hot enough to produce so much flavor in such tiny quantities is Sloucho's Dave's-Hot-Sauce-Infused-Urethra-Burning urine. Extract of Sloucho. Sloucho's Secret Sauce.
Flamin' Hot Cheetos are vile, revolting, and unhealthy. They can't be used in any decent recipes, shouldn't be eaten by anyone over the age of eight, and they cause significant depletion of Earth's ozone layer. They've been linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in women and Erectile Dysfuntion in men. Puerile, putrid, a veritable scourge on society, but really darned tasty*. Buy a bag, eat a handful, and tip your hat to Sloucho. Mmmmm Mmmmm.
*According to Nathsmom, anyway.
This review is part of The Grocery Write Off, which I'm co-hosting with the lovely, talented, lascivious, and oh-so-limber Nathsmom. She's also the funniest person alive. The participants in this write-off are 29th_Candidate, AggieBrett, Elvisdo, Hard_to_Please, JKKelley, Jsaunt, Kellydeal, Lobstergirl, Repulsemonkey, Sloucho, Sordid-1, Sundogg99, and Tlimjoco. They're all great!
Recommended:
No
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