My Child Is Afraid When Her Daddy Goes To Work
Sep 18 '01 (Updated May 02 '04)
The Bottom Line Our lives were changed forever on that day. New challenges face parents raising their children and it's time to be putting them first.
This is a situation that I never in a million years thought I would face. My six year-old daughter is afraid of her father going to work.
My husband drives a bus in Manhattan. On Tuesday, September 11, 2001 he dropped off the remaining passengers from his express bus route at the World Trade Center a mere 15 minutes before the first plane crashed into it.
In school, they didn't tell the children about it. When they arrived home, I told them since by then I knew he was all right.
Each child is so different. My 10 (almost 11) year-old asks a lot of questions. I answer them as best I can. She doesn't understand why someone could hate us so much to want to kill so many people. In her mind, that is not fathomable. Still, she knows what happened. She knows we have friends who have lost people they love. Dealing with her grief and questions has been relatively smooth.
My husband went to work on Wednesday and I was a nervous wreck, so I asked him to call in sick on Thursday. Friday and Saturday were his regular days off, so I figured that by Sunday things would have calmed down somewhat. I was right in that respect.
However, when he announced Saturday night that he was going to work the next day, my 6 year-old became distressed. She would ask if "the big city is fixed". When I told her no, she asked how could Daddy go to work then?
On Monday morning when she woke up to find her father gone for work, she asked IF he was coming home that night.
I am networking with the school psychologist and social worker on how to handle this. They will be talking to her in the days ahead. Her teacher is also aware and did notice a change in Janine's disposition in school following the attack. On Friday she was sick, and I have to wonder if it was physical or if it was brought on by her emotional state.
Many things have to be adjusted. I have to consider all of my children's feeling, but especially Janine's. My husband and I were planning on taking a trip with just the two of us and our youngest (who is 1 year old) to Disney World in December. My plane tickets are non-refundable, but we may have to change our plans. If Janine cannot handle her father going to work, how can she handle the three of us getting on a plane and going far away?
I have taken a lot of flack for wavering on whether or not to go. People have told me I am "letting the terrorists win". I am doing nothing of the kind. Although I have always been nervous about flying, chances are I would go. Just as I became calmer in the days my husband had off following the attack, I would probably see my nervousness decrease as well in the two months until our trip.
Our family's well-being must come first. If going on that trip is going to put undue stress on my children, I will not go. We are still going camping all together in two weeks. We will still drive down to Florida in February - all together, as a family. We are not "cowering in fear" (yes, I was told that). We are living our lives, with a few adjustments. I don't think a trip to Disney World is worth putting my daughter through five days of her worrying about us and being afraid.
The best advice I can give is to follow your children's leads. If they ask questions, answer them honestly. Don't be afraid to tell them that you don't understand either. If they demonstrate an unusual need for reassurance and hugs, give that to them.
Talk about it with them. If you have not watched the images with them, do so. These images they will be seeing for the rest of their lives. They don't have to see it over and over, but at least once so you can be with them to answer the questions they will undoubtably have.
Life goes on, and life will go on. This is a time to put our children's needs above our own selfish desires and do what's best for them.
© 2001 Patti Aliventi
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Member: Patti Aliventi
Location: Mount Washington Valley, New Hampshire
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