Wanna bake an apple pie? NOT SO FAST!
Nov 04 '01 (Updated Apr 23 '02)
The Bottom Line Establish a space-time continuum first. The rest is cake. Or pie.
As you should know, the famous interior designer-turned-pastry chef Carl Sagan once said, "In order to bake an apple pie, you must first... invent the universe..."
That being said, this silly preoccupation with your choice of cookware seems pretty inconsequential, don’t you think? George Foreman and Farberware will just have to wait a moment while we tackle the real issue.
How to prepare to invent the universe...
First and foremost, be calm. Though it may take thousands of man-years to amass the insight needed for such an endeavor, "being attractive" is not a prerequisite, so you don't have to worry.
Insight comes in myriad forms, but the most tangible source is Raj from What's Happening!! Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Wouldn’t Rerun be a better choice?” No, you cumquat. Sure, Rerun’s got the moves, but we need to look deeper right now. Rerun merely was a jester (with the moves), while Raj was a dreamer, a visionary. Also, Raj had a sister, Dee, whom you just knew would grow up to be a woman with a smoky sexy voice. Always pick the guy with the hot sister. Besides that, it was Raj who first saw the need for really big, awkward glasses!
Know this: you can’t go about this without those big honkin’ glasses, so just accept it.
Now that you attained some thrilling headgear, you should be able to find your chi. Nope, I’m sorry, that was a type-o. I meant your chin. Find your chin. I’ll wait…
Pick either one.
Good. Now that you’re more in touch with yourself, you should
reach down… between my legs… ease the seat back…
you’re blinding, I’m flying
right behind the rear-view mirror now
got the feelin’, power steerin’
pistons poppin’, ain’t no stoppin’ nowwww
Panama!
Okay my funny-lookin’ friend, you’re done preparing. You’re ready.
How to invent the universe...
To be honest, if you’ve burned one on the way over, that’s not a bad thing. If that’s what wets your whistle, then all the better. But you have to remain focused. There are things at stake here. If you get it wrong, space and time will no longer exist. There’s more at risk here than just Dave, Linda, and Marty McFly. We are talking about the universe. If you can’t accept that, well,
one of these days, I’m going to cut you into little pieces.
Where are you? Are you in that place?—that place where you find yourself wondering what went wrong with blackmonolith? How could he have wandered so far away? How could he have lead you astray? Why won’t he collect unusual ashtrays?
Why are you still reading this?
Because you seek answers. Well, really, you seek apple pie. But I’ve made it abundantly clear that "In order to bake an apple pie, you must first... invent the universe...", so lets get to it.
I’ve said it before (look it up), and I’ll say it again…
Speaking only about Nerf Footballs, I would suggest throwing and catching them.
Enjoy your apple pie.
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Epinions.com ID:
blackmonolith
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Member: Sky
Location: Burbank, CA
Reviews written: 40
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About Me:
"We smoke as we shoot the bird."
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