Do You Like Fun? Do You Like Happy? Announcing repulsemonkey’s Happy Fun Club!!!
May 06 '02
The Bottom Line Love me.
I—repulsemonkey, your self-appointed Ambassador of Epinions Love (and sometimes BBQ)—upon completing a lengthy sabbatical from the site (you did notice I left, didn’t you? didn’t you, you fickle bastards?), have returned to find things at the Most Consumerly Helpful Website On Earth in utter disorder. Take, for example, the sad state of existence in which I found many of my Epi-friends—formerly larger-than-life site luminaries who have withered into mere shadows of their former selves:
Case Study #327
[Subject:] Epinions User-Sordid-1
[Profile:] Cagey rabble-rouser and all-around nogoodkin; Pitiful taste in music though recent reports indicate a growing affinity for Modest Mouse; Ferociously loyal; Intelligently instigative.
[Epinions Malady:] Once a carefree writer of consistently gut-crunchingly humorous articles, Sordid-1 has lately become necessarily pre-occupied with Epinions socio-politics.
[For Further Study, Read:] “Awakened from Hibernation by a Freak” (http://www.epinions.com/content_2624299140)
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Case Study #00712
[Subject:] Epinions User-annexation
[Profile:] Pimp Ninja; Penultimate personification of the term “Epinions Personality;” Perhaps the most universally loved man at Epinions; Odd fascination with bodily functions and puns; Girls peepee when they see him.
[Epinions Malady:] Once content to gallivant across the Epinions landscape making fart noises and expanding users’ vocabulary, annexation, having been pegged as an abuser by the ultra-sensitive management, has taken to spreading his Pimp Ninja gospel through articles seething with vaguely disguised contempt.
[For Further Study, Read:] “Big Fluffy Bunnies Frolicking In the Afternoon Meadows” (http://www.epinions.com/content_2592120964)
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Case Study #24˝
[Subject:] Epinions User-Lobstergirl
[Profile:] Mysterious author of scathing yet oddly poignant articles; Refuses to kowtow to Epinions decorum expectation; Respected by many, known by few.
[Epinions Malady:] ...let’s face it: Lobstergirl never really liked us anyway. Now, however, on top of that, she doesn’t write for Epinions at all anymore.
[For Further Research, See:] Epinions Users-AggieBrett, c-option, Chris_Maverick, Christoff, difrentisgood, DrJ008, dustygold, elvisdo, Fez_Monkey, fallenjesusboy, jsallen, kellydeal, lessaleigh, mptang, nathsmom, ObiWanJabroni, OdellBurgess, phixed, Sloucho, sumo_rhino, suspecterrain, thom413, tootsweet824, and countless others...
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Now, at this point, I’ve grown accustomed to Epinions management fuck-ups, so it doesn’t surprise me in the least when they choose barely literate category-managers. But when I see my homies growing old and bitter before my eyes at a site that we all purportedly came to for entertainment, as I have over the past weeks, it hurts me in my soul and my face. So, in an attempt to restore good cheer and fervent joy to this pastime not-quite-paradise, and as not to become laggard in my duties as Ambassador of Epinions Love (and sometimes BBQ), I present for your consideration
REPULSEMONKEY’S HAPPY FUN CLUB!!!
The Goals: To bring back the happy fun to Epinions.
To inspire the sleeping giants among us to awake and write again.
To instill the virtues of Personal Integrity and Pride in One’s Work to the sheepish Epinions community.
To relentlessly mock blackmonolith’s addiction to foot-fetish porn.
The Reasons: Because Epinions is a graveyard.
Because the people who write here deserve to enjoy themselves.
Because those among us who take themselves seriously deserve merciless ridicule.
Because there aren’t nearly enough elitist factions on this website.
Because if I don’t ally myself with the cool kids, what good am I?
Because if we don’t bring the party up in this bitch, who else will?
The Incentives: There are some of you out there for whom sheer happiness and fun aren’t enough. For you—and you know who you are, Scileppi—I will post the names and happy fun pictures of those admitted into repulsemonkey’s Happy Fun Club on my (forthcoming) new and improved profile page. That way, you can freely show your friends and co-workers just how cool you are. And you want to be cool, don’t you? That’s what I thought.
Membership: It’s an easy, three step process!
First, alter your Epinions handle to include the terms “happy” and “fun” or “sexy” and “motherfucker.” For example, I will henceforth refer to myself as happyfunmonkey or sexymonkeymotherfucker. (Note: It’s a good idea to put a positive spin on your new monikers. For instance, changing my name to repulsehappyfun would just be silly.)
If you don’t want to wait for an official user name-change from Epinions management, a solemn promise* to use your new moniker whenever referring to yourself in the third person will do.
Second, filling your new happyfunhandle into the blank spaces, copy the following pledge:
“I, _____________, hereby vow to uphold the ideals of happy and fun. I promise to make Epinions decisions based on my personal set of ethics, and not allow others to decide for me what is “right” and “wrong” or “good” and “bad.” I promise to write well-crafted articles and reviews as a responsibility not only to my own high standards, but to other writers who may see my good work as a reason to raise their own standards. I promise not to use Epinions’ positive qualities (Comment Sections, Webs of Trust, etc.) for my own nefarious purposes. I promise to give repulsemonkey good loving frequently.”
Add your own promises! Or, hell, write your own pledge! I don’t care, as long it’s happy and fun. And happy.
Finally, email your happyfunpledge, along with a picture of yourself happily having fun to repulsemonkey’s Happy Fun Club at werobbanks@hotmail.com. Await bliss.
(*solemn promises not valid within the U.S.)
Tips for Happy Fun
As repulsemonkey’s Happy Fun Club grows in size and importance new methods of happiness and funmongering will likely also develop. For now, use the following tips to get the most out of your membership:
Turn Your Web of Trust Into a WEB OF LOVE!
Forget quotas or propriety or anything else causing hesitance on your use of the Web of Love. Merely trust the Epinions users who touch you in that special place. The ones who light your torch. The ones that buckle your shoe. The ones that hammer your nail. You see where I’m going with this.
Turn the Comment Section Into a COMMENT PARTY!
Be the guy or gal that shows up with the tequila!
Embarrass Yourself Frequently!
Keep yourself humble. I live life by this rule. If I don’t embarrass myself at least five times an hour, I’m not working hard enough.
Show Love For the Unofficial repulsemonkey’s HAPPY FUN CLUB Mascot!
I present the epitome of all things happy and fun: Kevlog!
Stop Shaving That Weasel!
I’m talking to you, roxymarie.
Use Exclamation Points Frequently!
You were expecting maybe an endorsement of semi-colons? Ampersands?
Add Your Own Tips For Happy Fun In the Comment Section Of This Review!
The Happy Fun Party’s just getting started. I invite you all to join me in the hot tub...
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Epinions.com ID:
repulsemonkey
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Ambassador of Epinions Love (and sometimes BBQ)
Location: Oops Upside Your Head
Reviews written: 29
Trusted by: 192 members
About Me:
Love me.
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