100 Top Mistakes Made By Monster Hunters
Jun 28 '04
The Bottom Line Be Smart, Be Fast, Be Careful, and you may just survive!
THE 100 TOP MISTAKES MADE IN MONSTER HUNTING
A FIELD GUIDE FOR ROOKIE M.O.N.S.T.A.A.H. AGENTS
SPECIAL THANKS TO IVAN SCHABLOTSKI, MATTHEW BAUGH, AND KEVIN BREEN FOR THEIR GREAT SUGGESTIONS
100) Always make sure the monster is really dead or destroyed before you tell your companions, "It's okay...it's all over."
99) When dealing with vampires, and one of your companions has been separated from you for any length of time, check his or her reactions to holy symbols and/ or sunlight before you accept that they're alright. Similar advice applies to any form of contagious monstrousity.
98) When a local warns you not to go to castle/mansion/campground...LISTEN TO THEM!!! Do not pass it off as "silly superstition."
97) Never open a door unless you're reasonably sure of what's behind it.
96) Always listen to the advice of experts in the relevent field of lore.
95) Always take note of uncharacteristically odd behavior in your relatives, friends, neighbors, and loved ones.
94) When someone you know to be reliable tells you a wild story, give them the benefit of the doubt. Do not assume they've suddenly gone insane.
93) Do not take your loved one out for a moonlight walk, or a trip to the local Lover's Lane when there has been a series of gruesome unexplained murders in the area.
92) Avoid at all costs, monster hunting companions who can't keep their hands off each other, unless you're planning to use them for bait. They have the same attraction for monsters and serial killers that trailer parks have for tornados.
91) Another companion to avoid is the scientist to whom Science is a religion. Not only do they incline to be egotistical jerks, they have a tendency to endanger everybody else by a) insisting on communicating reasonably with aliens that have already proved themselves to be killers b) wanting to study the monster, even has it devours everyone else in the party or c) sympathizing with the mad scientest. Please remember that this is the kind of person who often becomes a mad scientist themselves.
90) Always be suspicious of that attractive member of the opposite sex, who is inexplicably hanging around the lair of the vampire/evil mage/mad scientest etc.
89) If you find out that your host/friend/relative is a mad scientist or other threat to the well being of society, do not go them and say to their faces that you intend to expose them to the authorities.
88) When facing a creature that was once a friend/relative/loved one do not hesitate...KILL THEM!!! Vampires are especially good at playing this card.
87) Don't assume something or someone is harmless just because they look harmless.
86) Don't be in a hurry to tell the authorities, and always make sure you have airtight evidence of the paranormal before you go to them. Even if they believe you, chances are they'll fall back on the tactics they know, which are often useless when dealing with the supernatural.
85) Always be suspicious of complete strangers who try to monopolize your time immediately after the first meeting, particularly if they are a) eastern european aristocrats b) very old Egyptians or c) acting like they've known you for a long, long, time.
84) Always take note of unusual events in your area, particularly if they take the form of gruesome, unexplained, deaths.
83) The perfect place to take your loved one for a romantic interlude is a nice hotel with a decent restaraunt...NOT the local campground that's been abandoned ever since horrible murders were commited there. (see rule 92)
82) When monster hunting, or just investigating mysterious events...at least try to have something more effective than a flashlight at hand.
81) Always make sure your car is in good repair when traveling in remote parts of Eastern Europe, and always check the weather reports before you go. This is good advice for other parts of the world as well.
80) When using a driver, make sure he isn't going to toss you, your companions, and your luggage out the instant he passes by a certain location that's notorious in local lore.
79) Always be suspicious of places that aren't mentioned on the map.
78) If stranded...do not accept invitations to "stay the night" from complete strangers.
77) It's not a good idea to have a romantic involvement with someone who's only accomplishment is to scream and faint at critical moments. Not only are they a pain in the keister on a monster hunt, they tend to get taken hostage...a lot.
76) Do not to agree to pose for an artist who's known for his or her occult and/or macabre subject matter...especially if a) his or her previous models have either disappeared or ended up dead, b) there has been a traumatic incident in his or her past that preceded his or her interest in bizarre subject matter, or c) you bear an uncanny resemblence to his or her dead spouse/loved one.
75) I don't care how suave, witty, and fascinating they are...do not hang out with or date dissolute aristocrats with an interest in the occult. Particularly if you have a problem tracking them down during the daylight hours.
74) Do not go for treatment to a doctor who's having trouble with the medical authorities over his "unconvential research."
73) Always be suspicious of scientists who conduct their research in lonely remote castles, mansions, or very small towns instead of legitimate laboratories funded by goverments, universites, or industrial concerns, and don't forget to look into his sources of funding. Remember, all that heavy duty lab equipment doesn't come cheap.
72) While having an out of body experiance and wish to go back to aid your companions DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!!! However, if your only other alternative is a swirling chaotic darkness...GO INTO THE LIGHT!!!
71) Note to Female Agents: Try to remain fully and modestly dressed during an investigation. This means exercising extreme caution while bathing, and avoiding such activities such as nude sunbathing, skinny dipping in the local pond/lake/lagoon (especially at night!), and the like. Remember...statistics show that danger rises geometrically as clothing is removed.
70) Never forget that your emotional needs take a back seat to the safety of humanity and your companions.
69) As amusing as some people think they are...people who have a lot of pratfalls, and otherwise speak and act in an inanely stupid manner do not make good monster hunting companions.
68) Never forget that Pulitizer and Nobel prizes aren't worth other peoples lives.
67) Never assume that if something works once it will always work in the same way.
66) While it's good to take heed of pertinent lore...don't assume that every legend and or superstition is 100% accurate. For example, there are breeds of vampires who are immune to holy symbols, garlic, and similar esoterica.
65) Never attend a party that consists of less than ten people going to a teenage girl's house when her parents are out of town. If such a party is unavoidable...DO NOT HAVE SEX!!! (see rule 92)
64) Always assume that aliens are hostile, and be especially wary of people speaking in low monotones about the benevolence of said aliens.
63) When a book/bell/lamp/etc. is said to be cursed, do not use it under any circumstances, It's better to be killed in the dark, than light the candle that will free unknown horrors on the world.
62) Never split up...this should go without saying, but it is harder than it sounds.
61) Never put tourism/marketing/reputation over the safety of the public. It always ends badly, and perpetrators of these schemes have a disturbing habit of ending up as victims of their own coverups.
60) Always take note of unusual plant growths in your neighborhood, especially if people begin acting in a strangely unemotional manner, or if there are unexplained disappearances and/or murders in the area.
59) Always be suspicious of paranoid recluses...especially if they have an academic, scientific, or medical, background.
58) Be wary if someone wants to let you in on a "wonderful secret."
57) When dealing with a foreign visitor, or exchange student, don't be afraid to check their backgrounds...at the very least try to get a reliable photo.
56) Do not let complete strangers look at your collection of volumes of forgotten lore, no matter how much they beg, how cute you think they are, or what they offer you.
55) Whenever practical, try to get the schematics of that haunted house/castle/ancient tomb you're planning to investigate, and try to take note of such things as cul-de-sacs, secret passages, and the like. What you don't know may kill you. And don't forget to verify, verify, verify! (see rule 66)
54) Whenever practical, try to have a good working knowledge of local legends.
53) When confronted with obviously paranormal events, don't ignore them, or assume there's a "rational explanation." The supernatural is like cancer...early detection saves a lot of radical procedures later on.
52) Avoid wax musuems run by reclusive managers who spend more time with their exhibits than they do with real people. Particularly if they treat their exhibits like real people (ie talking to them, having dinner with them, etc),
or if said exhibits bear an uncanny resemblence to people who have recently disappeared.
51) Avoid dilapitated amusement venues such as theme parks, piers, carnivals and the like. Particularly if they have macabre themed attractions.
50) Do not buy properties with "bad histories," such as murders, obscene occult rituals, etc. And be wary when your real estate agent won't provide you with information on a property's history.
49) Be wary of invitations from people you've just met. Particularly if the mention of their names produces terrified reactions from the locals.
48) Be suspicious of neurotic, abused, loners whose tormentors have suddenly started dropping like flies.
47) Always take note of things like open windows, and other potential bolt holes, when you go into a room.
46) Don't be quick to discount the stories of children or simple minded adults.
45) When members of a certain party/group are the targets of as series of gruesome murders...it's always a good idea to a) quiz them about their mutual past, and b) get them into quarters you know to be secure, and brother I do mean secure!
44) No matter how badly you think the monster's been mistreated by it's creator/discoverer/relatives/society in general...never forget, it's a killer!
43) Always note people's reactions when you mention details of your investigation.
42) When going to sleep in a haunted mansion/castle always remember the basics: lock your door and place a pyramid of cans across the bottom, keep your flashlight and weapons handy, and above all...DO NOT GO OFF TO INVESTIGATE STRANGE NOISES ON YOUR OWN!!!
41) No matter how tempting it may seem...do not attempt to bring creatures previously unknown to science (or those thought to be long extinct) back to civilization with you...particularly if they are large, carniverious, and difficult to control. If this proves unavoidable...keep them away from things that might annoy them (large noisy crowds, flash photgraphy, etc).
40) Always be suspicious of people who exhibit an unhealthy interest in the morbid, and the macabre...particularly if this interest developed after a trip to certain remote parts of a) Eastern Europe b) New England c) the Caribbean basin or d) insert your favorite part of the world...
39) Always be wary when your spouse/loved one/relative/friend suddenly develops a new circle of friends with an interest in the occult.
38) Note to medical professionals...check out the weird stories your patients tell you before you pooh-pooh them.
37) Another note to medical professionals (and scientists) always report colleagues who are conducting bizarre, unethical, and cruel research. (see rule 74).
36) Never invite people into your home until you know something about them. This especially pertains to people "stranded" by the side of the road.
35) Always check your facts before you act.
34) Always investigate everybody, not just your prime suspect.
33) Don't automatically trust someone because of their socio-economic position, appearance, or manner.
32) Always be suspicious of someone using their sex appeal on you in the middle of an important investigation.
31) It always good to know where you can reliably get things like silver bullets, holy water, heavy duty scientific equipment, and the like.
30) If a friend/relative/child/loved one/spouse suddenly falls ill, pay attention to their symptoms and treatment. Especially if they start doing things like sleepwalking in graveyards.
29) Be concerned when someone you know is ordering large quantities of unusual things such as odd and dangerous chemicals, scientific/medical equipment, blood, sides of beef, etc.
28) Take note if someone is periodically disappearing for significant lengths of time especially if a) this is happening during the cycle of of a full moon b) the area is plagued by a series of gruesome murders, or c) that person has been conducting unspecified "scientific research."
27) Be concerned when someone brushes off a longtime loved one in favor of someone with suspicious habits such as an unhealthy interest in the occult, never appears in daylight, etc.
26) Never discount the mutterings of the insane or the delerious.
25) Never dine with someone who doesn't eat, or never "drinks...wine."
24) Always let someone know where you are going.
23) Be suspicious of letters or phone calls from a traveling friend/relative/ spouse/loved one that are filled with uncharacteristic happy talk...or use the phrase..."I'm fine" repeatedly.
22) Be wary of someone who disappears for a lengthy time, and comes back apparently unscathed, except for uncharacterically odd behavior (such as speaking in low montones, extremely formal dialouge, doesn't eat, etc.).
21) Don't cling to a skeptical philosophy in the face of obviously paranormal events.
20) Always assume the monster is intelligent, and that he can figure out what you're trying to do.
19) Never flee blindly, no matter how desperate the chase, try to keep an eye on your potential route and possible pitfalls. Also...if your pursuers are making use of some sort of motorized vehicle do not run down the center of the road. You stand a much better chance running through the woods or other rough terrain difficult to drive over (note: this strategy becomes a lot less effective when confronted with jeeps, ATV's, etc...)
18) Always have a map and compass availiable.
17) If you have to say something to somebody who doesn't, as yet, believe in the paranormal...don't waste time trying to convince them, and don't say the first thing that comes into your head. Work out a believable story beforehand, especially when that person is working in some official capacity.
16) Never try to save any remains of the monster for future research, and especially don't try to save any young it's left behind.
15) Never rely on the mad scientist who wants to redeem himself by destroying his "creation." Even if he's sincere, he'll just end up as monster chow anyway.
14) Try to keep small children out of the general area of a monster hunt. They're worse than screechy ingenues for getting captured, and have a disturbing tendency to bond with the monsters.
13) Always note unusual behavior in animals.
12) Okay...so the brutish lab assistant/henchman has decided to change sides. They can be useful...just remember they are still low grade morons. Not only that, they have a bad habit of trying to get revenge on their former masters, and getting killed in the process.
11) Never rely on your sex appeal to turn the major villain's attractive consort/henchperson/lab assistant.
10) Always pay attention to small details.
9) Notice when someone tells a lame story to explain odd behavior or events.
8) Never expect your opponent to do what you expect them to do.
7) Always have a backup plan. Have two or three if you can manage it.
6) Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Never forget Murphy's Law
5) Don't talk...DO!!!
4) Fear is the mind killer, Fear is the little death...in short...DON'T PANIC!!!
3) Avoid cockiness...nobody ever died from overestimating an enemy.
2) Expect the unexpected.
1) Never forget...the most pathetic words in the English language are "Well...it seemed like a good idea at the time."
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