Notes from The Da Vinci Code: The Grammar Curmudgeon Performs a Vertical Read
Aug 06 '04 (Updated Feb 15 '05)
The Bottom Line One never knows what one will find when reading every available review of a bestseller, particularly one of questionable literary merit!
Once upon a time there was a book - a very popular book. It was so remarkably popular that gazillions upon gazillions of people read it, and, of those people, many stopped by the wonderful world of Epinions to extol its virtues (or to hack away at the book for its alleged anti-religious bent). To be honest, the Grammar Curmudgeon does not give a rat's patootie about that last. What tGC cares about is, quite simply, grammar (it is, after all, his middle name). Knowing a potential gold mine when he sees one, however, tGC spent a few hours not long ago in an act of mental self-mortification every bit as soul-wrenching as flagellating one's own back with a whip fashioned from barbed wire. Yes, tGC performed a vertical read of all eighty-three reviews of the Da Vinci Code - not just the reviews, but (most of) the comments as well... and boy, does his head hurt!
Following are a few of the nuggets of Curmudgeon's Gold that he mined in those brain-crushing hours, presented for your pleasure, edification, mortification, or whatever strange enjoyment you might derive from reading. Enjoy. Oh, by the way, each passage has been modified just enough to protect the guilty. Perhaps...
Alas, My Poor, Poor Apostrophe
wait until its in the used book store
its more than 450 pages long
for someone thats looking to be entertained you can't go wrong
The Grammar Curmudgeon, once again, trots out the by-now familiar (to some) explanation that "an apostrophe is used to denote omitted letters." The words "it's" and "that's" are contractions - combined versions of the phrases "it is" and "that is" with the space and the letter i elided. Will you never get it right?
Obviously not... But that doesnt mean that your going to understand whats going to happen next,
_______________________________________________________________
Brown has done his research into the Church and it's secrets
A murdered man who's naked body is arranged to form an ancient symbol
I like you're take as well
Aha! That's where all the apostrophes went - they ended up where they didn't belong! All right, repeat after me (keep saying it until you get it right): possessive pronouns do not contain apostrophes! Once more, now: possessive pronouns do not contain apostrophes!
Oh look! Here's an apostrophe captured in the very process of running away to hide within a possessive pronoun! I just cant' make myself sit down to read it for some reason
Just Why Was that Word Yellow, Anyway?
the premis is that there is a pattern in Da Vinci's work
killed in midieval centuries
this is definatly a must-read
Unfortunatly if you read it you find most of his 'facts' are just speculation
What's a mother to do? You create a nice little tool that infroms them that they've made a mistake and they blithely ignore you anyway. Let's all just give up... For the record, the actual words are premise, medieval, definitely, and unfortunately. Remember, you heard it here first.
A Spell-checker can't Read Your Mind. Really!
Langford seams quite dull for the entire story: What, the book's about a tailor? (seems)
The book peaked my interest about theology: What, the book's about mountain-climbing? (piqued - no, I'm not pulling your leg. Look it up)
discovery of the most ancient secretes : What, the book's about glands? (secrets)
the basic tenants of the church require that Jesus did not have sex : What, the book's about rental properties? (tenets - again, I'm not making this up)
the characters were always called by there last names: What, the characters have location-dependent names? (their)
Some Notes from the HUH? Department
The Grammar Curmudgeon has had trouble deciphering these phrases. Several appear to have been translated from other languages by the beta version of Babelfish. tGC has added possible translations, but any other suggestions as to their actual meaning are welcomed.
by the middle the book had turned into something I was highly waiting for (tGC has no earthly idea...)
with characters that had me at the edge of my fingernails (contracted version of "at the edge of my seat and chewing my fingernails," perhaps?)
Sophie (the grand daughter) and Langford (Does this mean that there's a lesser daughter around somewhere?)
no book has ever been as possible with patrons as this one (It would make sense if you substituted "popular" for "possible.")
puts his characters above such a hoi polloi sentiment toward the mystery they attempt to unravel (The Grammar Curmudgeon admits he's stumped)
And the Winners Are
The Grammar Curmudgeon's favorite malapropisms, homonym confusions, redundancies, and all the rest:
10) keeps you on your tows tGC knoes he's addressed this one before!
9) the book suffers worn out cliches That one's right up there with PIN number and ATM machine.
8) The book delivers so much thought provocation, that your head will spin Errr, ummm, couldn't bring yourself to say it's "thought-provoking"?
7) it's chocker block full of thrills Try "chockablock" next time. Or perhaps "chock-a-block."
6) Sophie was the intended message receiver Hmmmm, wouldn't "recipient" work better? I doubt Sophie's head is full of transistors.
5) it does not conspire to scorn Christianity Sorry, last time I looked, you needed two or more entities for a conspiracy (and "it" is singular).
4) this book is so engulfing: Could s/he mean "engrossing," perhaps?
3) The fact that religion could be less than sacrosanct appeals to nearly everyone
To quote dictionary.com, "Sacrosanct comes from Latin sacrosanctus, consecrated with religious ceremonies, hence holy, sacred." Individual religions or Christian denominations (such as the Catholic Church) might not be sacrosanct, but religion is by definition sacred.
2) critics of the book considered it to be sac religious Obviously the spell-checker wouldn't allow "sacreligious," so the writer decided it must be some sort of compound word (sometimes you see this construction with a hyphen instead of a space). The word s/he was looking for is "sacrilegious." Really. Look it up! (thanks to sleeper54 for a nudge in the direction of this one.
The Grammar Curmudgeon's personal favorite find, however, is this fine example of Fudd-speak:
1) I was a little bit weary of reading it Yes, tGC also found Brown's writing tiring. But from context, it is clear that s/he tried to say "Leary," meaning (I suppose) that s/he was on LSD at the time. In fact, the word that s/he wanted is "leery."
Tha-tha-that's all, folks!
This is the tenth note from the Grammar Curmudgeon, an irregular series of... what, "diatribes"? "rants"? "suggestions"? on improving the quality of your writing - not just here on Epinions, but every time you create a sentence, a paragraph, or even a book. Feel free to suggest further topics (I already have a generation's worth up my sleeve) by emailing me or leaving a comment.
You can read the previous installment of the Grammar Curmudgeon at Spelling or the next installment at Mondegreen Advice.
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