How I finally decided to quit smoking and how I did it
Aug 20 '04
The Bottom Line Just remember that the biggest part of quitting smoking is deciding that you want to quit smoking
What’s the toughest thing that some people may face down? It’s probably trying to quit smoking cigarettes. You wouldn’t think it would be hard to give up a habit that covers your lungs in tar, causes cancer, smells up your car and your house, but it is.
I started to smoke in college during my freshman year. It seemed that everyone in Vermont smoked and everyone at my college campus seemed to be smoking. At first I’d have one occasionally, then I’d pick up a pack when we were going to the clubs in Canada, then I’d have a pack around in case I wanted one. By my sophomore year I was a regular smoker and it went downhill from there. Since then (that was 8 years ago), the most I’ve ever not smoked for has been five days. It was kind of funny to because some of those years I was a forest ranger and nicotine had so twisted me that I thought it was okay if I just didn’t smoke until after I got home from work – that way I could still get out there and run up those mountains if I had to. I think it’s pretty dumb now, but at the time it made perfect sense.
Then I moved to Maine and lived on my own. I didn’t have any peer pressure to smoke and I really didn’t have any stressful reason to smoke. This is where I managed to go for five days without smoking, but on the way back from Acadia National Park after a trip with my family (they went south to NY, I went back to my place in Maine), I found myself going the wrong way on a one way street and as soon as I took care of that problem, I found myself stopping at the nearest gas station and picking up a pack of cigarettes. Once I had one, I couldn’t stop again.
The sad thing is that I knew they were bad for me. I knew that with every puff on a cigarette, I was slowly killing myself. But it felt good, I craved it, and I loved it – I’d enjoy taking that first deep puff and exhaling the smoke. My mind and my body loved having that feeling wash over me.
It was about a year ago that my doctor was telling me that I should try to quit smoking. I smiled sitting on the table, with that “I know you’re right, but I don’t give a f*ck,” smile. However, deep down I understood what he was saying. In the 8 years I’ve smoked, my health has never gone up or gotten better – and I knew if I kept it up, it would be going downhill quite dramatically.
I had tried to quit here and there for the past year, but I’d go for about 8 to 12 hours and then have a cigarette, I couldn’t even make it a day. Between my busy lifestyle once I started living in Massachusetts and the fact that everyone I knew smoked, I never found a reason to really try to quit smoking, it seemed like it was just part of my average day. So instead of quitting, I did quite the opposite, I started smoking more. The only thing I did was not smoke before I hiked, luring myself into this false sense that “hey, I can still hike, I’m okay.” The problem was I hadn’t decided that I wanted to quit. You can talk about quitting all you want, but until you reach the point where you know deep down you don’t want to smoke anymore, you’re not going to get anywhere with quitting.
It wasn’t until I had to be in the field for my job and I was following a consultant through the woods on a short walk that I realized just how winded I was since I had smoked while I was driving to the site. I was disgusted with myself, disgusted about how much smoking had ruined my health, and disgusted that I let myself get like this. It was one of those “ah ha” moments where I realized what I was doing to myself.
Luckily that afternoon I had an appointment with my new doctor. I got the typical “you need to stop smoking speech,” but this time I didn’t have that phony grin on my face, I was seriously asking him about the best way to stop. He suggested that I try the prescription medicine Zyban. He told me that once I started, I would smoke for 10 days while on the Zyban and then stop smoking. I said to him “let’s give it a try,” and I really meant it – if I hadn’t, there was no way I was going to be taking that kind of drug just for fun.
But I was going to Las Vegas the next week and I knew that it wasn’t the best place to try to quit smoking and not to be able to drink (you aren’t supposed to drink while you’re on the Zyban), so I decided to wait it out a bit. But even without taking any of the drugs, I made an effort to cut down and slow down with the smoking because of that switch that flipped. When I got back from Vegas I knew what I had to do and I wanted to do it, I was sick of smoking, but the thought of stopping was scaring the crap out of me.
So the Sunday after I got back I started to take the Zyban, which became an experience in of itself. Cigarettes almost instantly started to taste really bad (worse then they normally do!) and I would get nauseous after I smoked. It got so bad at one point that I didn’t think I could make it through 10 days of smoking, I wanted to just stop after about five days. However the doctor told me to push through until 10. So it was that I went through 10 days of crap until finally I got to the stop date. The night before I had my last cigarette with my boyfriend and my best friend and when I finished, I threw out the empty pack, cleaned out my car of all my smoking paraphernalia (lighters and stuff) and got ready to start the smoke free lifestyle.
Through those 10 days I had to consider the fact that after the 10th, I wouldn’t be smoking anymore. That was tougher than anything else. On one had I was incredibly excited about not smoking, but on the other hand I was absolutely and completely terrified of never smoking again. I can’t give a concrete example of something to be afraid of from not smoking, but the though literally made me sweat, even though I knew I wanted to do it. It was the nicotine talking – it was my addiction urging me not to try and if I hadn’t already made up my mind to quit, I don’t think I would have made it past this point.
That first day wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be – using the Zyban really did pay off. I guess in a way it made smoking such a horrible experience, I just didn’t want to smoke, plus it seemed to moderate my mood such that I’m not a total crank to everyone and I don’t obsess about smoking.
The first night was tough though. Once you stop smoking, you quickly realize how much time you spent smoking. I was at home and I was trying to do one thing after another to keep my mind off cigarettes constantly thinking “oh this is when I would have a cigarette.”
By the next morning I woke up feeling much better. I found it amazing how quickly your body recovers from something. Already I had more energy and it felt like I was finally breathing again. Plus my sinuses were clearing up for the first time in a long time and in general, I just felt good.
I still went out with my smoking buddies on breaks (like I’d pass up a break) at work, but standing there watching them smoke, I realized that I was disgusted to think that I was doing that two days ago. I’m sure it’s partly the Zyban talking, but I’m also pretty sure it’s a change in my attitude for the better. It’s all part of making that decision that you don’t want to smoke anymore. I also decided to start rewarding myself for not smoking and so I’ve gotten a donut or something from Starbucks each time I’ve gone out with everyone. I figure I’m not spending $5 on a pack of cigarettes everyday, I might as well treat myself to something. So not only do I not smoke, but I give myself an incentive not to smoke.
Now on the third day I’m feeling even better and I’m not craving a cigarette at all. It’s a strange feeling – for so long to be ruled by the “I need to have a smoke” feeling constantly, now I can just do what I want without worrying when I could get a cigarette into the schedule. Plus the new found energy I’ve got is simply amazing. By not smoking I feel 100% better, I can actually get through the day without sleeping on the train on the way to work, or yawning constantly while I’m at the office. I get home from work and I’m not ready to go to bed anymore – I can actually do something. I was blown away with the difference that just a few days makes. I feel healthier (though I have gotten to the cough stage where the crap that’s been stuck in your lungs for years starts to break up) and I feel good about myself. This was a change that was a long time coming and it’s one for the better. It’s also a change I know will stick – this is something that had to be done and I finally did it with the help of the Zyban. I also know I'm on the right road because I'm telling everyone. Before when I would try quitting, I’d keep it to myself and my failure to not quit wouldn’t be a big deal to anyone. This time I’m telling everyone I know, even at work I told the non-smokers in my office. Everyone’s keeping tabs on me and while the constant “how you doing,” questions can get annoying, the fact that everyone is pushing for me is helping tremendously. I know if I were to start again, I’d be letting everyone down, not just myself. So I think another part of quitting, once you’ve decided to do it for yourself, is to let everyone know you are quitting so you have the added support of your family and friends pushing you along.
I still find myself mentally obsessing about cigarettes and from what I know of other people who have quit, this is something that any former smoker is going to do for a very long time, if not forever. There’s just times when a cigarette seems so right but it’s not there anymore and it is hard teaching myself that I don’t have to rely on the cigarettes. The strange thing is that I’m not obsessing over smoking a cigarette, I’m constantly just thinking about cigarettes – how nice it would be to have a pack, how nice it would be to roll a cigarette around in my fingers. That’s when I have got to start distracting myself.
This weekend will be the test though I think - if I can take 3 1/2 hours of my boyfriend driving to NH without having a cigarette, then I can do anything!
I might not have stopped for very long, but this time I know is different. Both my mind and my body wanted me to stop smoking and the Zyban gave me that little extra kick in the pants to make it happen.
Just remember that the biggest part of quitting smoking is deciding that you want to quit smoking. If you haven’t made that choice, you’re never going to be able to stop smoking. If you have decided to quit, you’ve fought half the battle, then just take it to the next level and find a way that’s right for you to quit.
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