Lasik: Mrs. Xeno's Excellent Adventure
Apr 06 '06
The Bottom Line Do your homework. Check credentials, facilities and all offers carefully for the best and safest result.
A few months back, my beloved Mrs. Xeno and I were sitting on our lanai (screened porch to non-floridians), having our morning coffee, when she mused, "You know, I've been thinking about Lasik, what do you think?"
"Oh"? I said.
Hmmmm, how to tell this magnificent woman, that years ago, the moment I saw this sexy lady in the cool glasses and the blond ponytail sticking out of the back of her baseball cap I had been smitten?
"What are you thinking?" I tossed back to her. "Well, it would be nice to see clearly for the first time in my life." she said. "Anyway, it's just a thought."
Background
Several years ago when I first met the incredibly beautiful Veronica, I was drawn to her eyes like steel to a magnet. An incredible shade of blue, they complimented her fine features perfectly. Beyond that her eyes were hypnotizing. It was like looking into the eyes of a Siamese Cat. It was hard to make casual eye contact with her, but harder still to break it off.
I was later to learn that there was a reason for this. Veronica had been born with perfectly symetrical cataract crystals in both her eyes. Under magnification it appeared that her eyes were two sand dollars, dyed the most beautiful of blues. But alas, although the cataracts never progress they really screw with her vision.
"Geez Rudi, even with my glasses I just pass the Florida Driver's Vision Test", she said. Now, for those of you not familiar with Florida's vision test trust me when I tell you that this is a scary thought. And if you are familiar, a scarier thought still.
How could I not support this superb woman in her quest for better vision? Even if it stole the magic from her eyes could I deny her? Of course not!
The miracle of the laser was making all things possible. I thought to myself, "Had Eliezer Laser lived and toiled for nothing?" Not to overlook the severe burns that he suffered during his research. (see Leshaw, Stanley, The Life and Tribulations of Eliezer Laser, Biography, Harcourt, 1988).
"Of course dearest", I said with more than a little trepidation in my heart. "Let's look into it."
In our research we found that Lasik technology, procedures and costs were all over the place. And, results are always just shy of being guaranteed. Prices were $199, $499, $1,000 to $3,000 an eye. What could account for this?
Speaking to these specialists over the telephone was little help. They either all sound good, speak a techno-jargon that we don't understand or speak in accents so thick and arcane as to make conversation impossible. So, we decided to visit.
Research
First stop was Dr. Katzman. Nice busy office, but curiously no laser. We are told he is affiliated with a huge famous eye institute in Miami. He uses their laser. "They really take care of it." he said from behind thick smudged glasses. A warning sign, I figured. "Figure about two thou an eye. You want them both done, right?" he said as he pushed his glasses up higher on his nose. OK, uneasier still.
Looking momentarily out of the examining room I caught the eye of an optometrist who worked there. He had seen the beautiful Veronica walk in and had greeted us. He was motioning with his head to me as if he were a waiter in a cheap diner warning me away from the 3 day old tuna salad.
"Well, we'll think about it". I said grabbing my beloved's hand and bolting for the door. "Thank you." I mouthed to the optometrist. "De nada". he mouthed back.
Lessons learned
Don't trust a Lasik guy with thick smudged glasses.
If he does many procedures he should have his own equipment.
Next stop, The Sarbarhwal Eye Center in Ft. Lauderdale. The ad had said $499 an eye. We had to find out more. Dr. Sarbarhwal Singh came out to greet us. His Sikh beard nicely tucked up under his turban, he was much the striking figure. Unfortunately, the good doctor's english was so difficult to understand that after 15 minutes of saying "What?" we were both frustrated and had to leave.
Lesson learned
It's good to be able to understand your doctor
no matter how nice his smile is.
Next up? The Los Ojos Azul Laser Center. I was struck by the name (and truth be told the price, $199 per eye). Pulling up to the Laser Center we were a little let down when we noticed the "and Bar & Grill", appended to the center's sign.
"What the hell, we're here already, let's go in".
Waiting to see the doctor, I ordered a "Marguerita, straight up with salt". "Superb", I exclaimed offering my glass to the ever precious Mrs. Xeno who's sense of humor failed her at the moment.
"Howdy", Dr. Billy Ray Tibidoux greeted us. "Los Ojos Azul?" I thought. Dr. Billy Ray could read minds. "Catchy name, huh?" he said smiling revealing a prominent front gold tooth. "Priceless", I thought. I want to know this guy better.
"C'mon back, y'all", said Dr. Billy Ray. As we entered his cramped office, I noticed the bright skylight.
"So, do you use the new VISX 5 laser?" I asked trying to impress him with the research I had done. "Nope, we use a somewhat older model as how we do it cheap and all." he said, just as I spotted the 34" diameter magnifying glass in the corner and the folding cot against the wall. Looking again from one to another and back to the skylight I said, "Ah, I see".
Taking the lovely Veronica by the hand, we arose, making our apologies. But, on the way out I couldn't resist. "Say, Dr. Tibidoux, that was a helluva Marguerita. Don't suppose you'd share the recipe, would you?" "Sure", he said, "Get asked that all the time. Here ya go."
Hey, mission not wasted. Our friends love "our" Margueritas.
Lessons learned
Rely on the latest technology
The center should have a single focus to its practice
Cheap is, well, cheap
Don't trust an Ophthalmologist with a shiny gold tooth
Well we finally find our way to the Branson Eye Institute in St Lucie County. We are greeted at the reception area by Dr. Branson's personal assistant, Deanna, a rail thin woman who's seen her share of sun in her time and who punctuates every sentence with a sincere smile. Eery, very eery! No matter what she is asked, the smile emerges as if a period at the end of a sentence. I have the uneasy notion that she doesn't really hear me at all. Ever the scientist I decide to experiment.
I start telling her about my recent episode of "jock itch" and wonder what can be done about it. Undaunted by my absurd musings, she mumbles something and then flashes her smile. I have the uneasy feeling that in a previous life I have been married to this woman!
But, his credentials are superb. This man has been everywhere and was at least the co-inventer of anything laser. It is even rumored, though never outright claimed that he oftened dined with Dr. Eliezer Laser himself. We are in awe!
Deanna goes on to say that the Doctor has now personally performed over 30,000 laser procedures and that the custom procedure he recommends will come to almost $6,000 for both eyes. "Yikes", I think.
Dr. Branson walks in. A cherubic face, he's wearing a cheshire cat-like grin. (Hey, that's mine, I think). Of course he's grinning. At $6000 a pop he's made $180 million! I'd be smiling too.
But we talk. He assures me has absolutely no idea of how to make the perfect Marguerita. "Excellent!" I think. He explains the procedure in terms we easily understand, the expected results (excellent, he says), and of course the risks.
He has now examined Veronica's eyes and despite her congenital, static cataracts he is confident of the result. Her astigmatism, though moderate to severe could be corrected.
Mrs. Xeno is estatic! She is a very confident and secure woman (sigh). But then the Dr. asks to speak to me alone. And, once we are alone he tells me that once the procedure is performed my ever precious bride will see clearly for the first time ever.
Catching his drift I explain that I have already confessed to Mrs. Xeno that despite my graying hair I really don't look anything like Richard Gere. "Good", he says. But then the conversation turns more intimate.
He suggests a physical for me. And so for my ever precious I submit. And, when he was finished with the exam he handed me a card to a local Port St Lucie tattoo parlor. "Tell them, Dr. Branson sent you".
Well it's now three months later and the beautiful woman is as beautiful as ever. The cataract crystals remain to give her those hypnotic eyes. And what's more she is actually seeing 20/15!
The tattoo, you ask? It's all healed as well. And as I step out of the shower I can see through the steam filled bathroom. In the mirror, I can read backwards across the area just below my navel. Caution! Objects may appear smaller than they are!
Thank you, Dr. Branson.
Epilogue
Veronica actually had her surgery at the Brint-Daubert Eye Center in West Palm Beach. Dr. Brint is a true genius with the VISX 5 Laser and the results have been nothing short of amazing. And her eyes are every bit as dazzling as they ever were. Her surgery did in fact cost $5,800. And, Dr. Brint is a very wealthy man.
Forever,
Rudi
©Rudi Xeno 2006
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