Raising Teenagers: Encourage Them to Take It Slowly
Oct 05 '06
The Bottom Line Teenagers need to develop their own sense of the world, but parents should encourage them to take it one step at a time.
My youngest child, Kaitlin, is thirteen years old. She is truly a delightful child; while like any teen she has occasional bouts of "attitude", for the most part she is loving and cooperative. She is also terrifying, because my little thirteen-year-old daughter looks more like an eighteen-year-old. Having four older sisters (three half, one step), she wants to be older than she is. She wants to grow up too fast.
She is now in between boyfriends (thank goodness!). At her tender age, I think she has had about seven of them. This drives my husband crazy; I have a more balanced view considering that her "boyfriends" are for the most part boys she sees at school and talks to on the telephone. Is thirteen too young for a boyfriend? YES! No doubt about it. Every time she complains about her "boyfriend", I tell her to take her time. I think it is a sign of the times, when thirteen-year-old girls are worried about boy-girl relationships. My husband's philosophy is to simply tell her "NO BOYFRIENDS."
I take a gentler approach. I figure there is no harm in a telephone relationship. She is refining her social skills and building friendships, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Living twelve miles outside of town has its benefits; I always know exactly where she is and who she is with, so maybe that helps.
We have occasional talks about sex, even though she presents as embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about it. I don't push, but I take every opportunity to mention the benefits of waiting to have sex until she is in a committed relationship. She has been taking Human Growth and Development since about the fourth grade, so she has a good understanding of sex and the consequences. Thirteen-year-old's do get pregnant, though, so I think it is important to talk about taking her time.
How does one go about getting a young teenager to slow down? At that age, time doesn't carry the impact it does when we are older and realize just how quickly the years pass. At thirteen, she just wants to grow up. She wants to do the things her eighteen-year-old sister does, and she gets occasionally irritated with me when I won't let her stay out till midnight with the older kids.
I force her to take "baby steps", but in a gentle way. Yes, she can go to the junior high dance. I will drop her off and pick her up. Or she will stay with a friend, whose parents I will have talked to beforehand.
I encourage her to be a kid, to be silly, to play games. I play at being a kid with her, and find myself thoroughly enjoying the jump back into my own childhood memories.
Most importantly, I listen to what she is saying. I let her talk, I encourage her to have her own opinions, and I hope I teach her to stand by what she believes in. We have real discussions. I don't patronize her; she may be young, but she is a bright, intelligent young-woman-in-progress and I want her to have self-confidence and self-esteem.
Some rules are hard and fast. She can double date at fifteen, single date at sixteen. Funny, those were the same rules my mom had. Guess she wasn't so dumb after all! Kaitlin doesn't like this rule. She would like to date now.
I consider that part of my parental responsibility is to ensure that she engages in new experiences when she is ready to handle them. At thirteen, she simply has not refined her coping skills to the point that she could handle a crisis in an unsupervised situation - e.g., alone with a boy on a real date. She disagrees; we agree to disagree. But the rule stands and she knows it. She thus contents herself with the junior high dances and afterschool activities.
All things considered, she may well be my easiest teenager (at least so far!). She has a good head on her shoulders and I am very proud of her. She talks, she listens, and she hears. Now, if I could just get her to clean up her room! Guess I'll take my own advice; one step at a time.
This review is dedicated to my daughter Kaitlin Rose - may you always have that incredible joy in living life for its own sake.
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