How do You Know You're in Love?
Nov 10 '08 (Updated Nov 22 '08)
The Bottom Line If you're wondering if you're experiencing love (or just want my take on it), inquire within...
Introduction
Recently, two girls in my sophomore chemistry class started enthusiastically badgering me with a question that caught me totally off-guard--"how do you know when you're in love." At first, I was annoyed, but then was a little flattered that they actually valued my opinion. They set my gears a workin', though, so I immediately started putting my thoughts down, while they watched a video on the periodic table. This essay is the end result of that...
If You Have to Ask..!
My next gut reaction is encapsulated in the above caption--but then I realized how unhelpful that is. My mother-who lost her husband only 2 years into her marriage and has been invariably unhappy-told me (as a teenager),"You're too young to know what love is." I felt that suited me fine--I was more likely to uncover the mysteries of the cosmos, than figure out how to gain the attention of the opposite sex. Many years later, though, I realized just how unhelpful that was.
The "Bottom Line"
Some people are easily infatuated. The slightest attention from the opposite sex, and they're virtually ready to do anything this person asks of them. This opens up avenues to manipulation and abuse. Obviously, this isn't love.
A strong friendship is a good starting place. Most people do not fall in love with a friend. If it happens, though--then you are an extremely lucky person. Usually, a total stranger-a friend of a friend or relative-comes out of nowhere, and completely sweeps you off your feet. You know nothing about this person, and the mystery increases the allure. In addition, you have mostly totally separate core groups of friends. If a disagreement becomes public, the 2 groups will polarize and close ranks (unless they have become integrated and networked, even leading to other relationships). Most people, however, don't want to risk losing a good friend, if a relationship should go sour, and they might consider this friend like a sibling--further discouraging it.
The first phase usually includes infatuation. You have an enduring feeling of euphoria-intense happiness-whenever you think of this person. However, the other person may not even know you exist. True love must be reciprocal. Unrequited love is one of the most powerfully negative emotions one can feel--your great hopes and expectations become so dashed, when you are so certain that this is the ONLY person that you are fated to be together with. After experiencing rejection of this sort, some people become very guarded and untrusting--the rejection may be debilitatingly humiliating. Infatuation isn't love, however--it's more like your brain playing tricks on you, and dosing itself with natural drugs.
Two people are usually attracted to each other due to common interests--they met at a bridge-playing club, at a college PE class, the library, disco club, etc. However, the old adage, "opposites attract," also applies. Coming together with someone who is significantly different from you-in outgoingness, physicality, scholarliness, etc.-may help you to discover latent traits in yourself, or finally realize something akin to,"Hey, nerds are pretty cool, after all!" If you enter into a long-term relationship, you could make up t-shirts that say,"I'm with the nuclear physicist," instead of,"I'm with stupid;" or maybe even,"Just give me a sign, and I'll reel in the geek--he/she's a 'work in progress.' " Come to think of it, any of the parties could wear a "work in progress/construction zone" shirt, with little pictures of their favorite philosophers and psychoanalysts (ie. Freud). Anyways, these common interests must be able to exist, side-by-side, without interfering with each individual's extracurricular/leisure activities. Two somewhat dissimilar people coming together makes each one broader and more cultured (as long as they bring positive traits)--if the individuals are too similar, unless they are both already extraordinarily cultured individuals with wide-ranging interests, it may end up being a very boring affair.
The Ramblings of an Idiot, Part Deux
Any relationship (unless you are blind) begins with a physical attraction arising from the visual--"eye candy" (remember, I am responding to teenagers); you cannot help but initially judge by what you see. If one is missing or has reduced sense(s), then a combination of the others might make up for them. In addition, someone might walk behind you, sight unseen, and the aroma of their perfume or cologne might mesmerize you--then you turn to see them. They might look more plain, but they have an amazing voice, or sound incredibly intelligent--any of these add up to an exhibition of confidence (and who doesn't need more stability in their lives)? Eventually, though, the novelty of this attraction wears off, and, inevitably, you begin to learn of the other person's good and bad traits--if you are thoroughly infatuated (or in love), you may become totally blind (and even violently defensive) to their negative attributes, because, more than anything, you want this to be "forever."
More on the "Seducers"
Something about the seducer's hair, clothes, style of walking, a cute, "pudgy" nose, or, more than likely, a combination of all these-may be enough to make you very curious, so you find the person alluring. A warning--these are all tools of seducers (but there are those that are really naive to their natural allure, and this wouldn't apply to them--the seducer uses them to manipulative end). There are many men and women out there whose primary intention is to make themselves as alluring as possible (and they may be married or in a relationship), in order to take advantage of you economically, sexually (may intentionally give you an STD), rob you or your family, gain a favor (ie. promotion) at work or school (college), etc.; and their "romantic" partner may be a willing accomplice. More than a few cases found young people who seduced wealthy, older men and women (sometimes widow(er)s, only to get them to alter wills, leaving their own children penniless after their deaths (or neglected even prior to this)--and some of them illegally married multiple partners simultaneously! I know I've really rambled off here, so let me get back to the "nitty-gritty," so to speak..!
What Was the Question Again?
Ah--how do you know when you're in love? To answer this, we must sort out the different levels of allure.
Charm
Anyone can be charming. Some or all of the above qualities may be naturally evident in an individual. Their manner of speech and cute accent might make them endearing to nearly everyone. Their polite manner and impeccable dress might make them prepossessing. And nearly everyone-regardless of their "love status"-may be susceptible to charm. Think of movie stars and performers you find charming. This is an everyday occurence, and not evidence of being in L-O-V-E.
Charisma
This is a step beyond charm. The person projects charm-usually before they even open their mouth to speak-and have a magnetic personality; people are drawn to them. And when they do speak, people often find what they say to be agreeable--even if they didn't hear or understand a word of it; they have "the voice." You can learn more about this voice from the excellent book, Change Your Voice, Change Your Life. Experiencing this, however, does not mean you're in love.
Eye Candy
Again, the person is very easy on the eyes--and this is what notice first. Yours are magnetically riveted to their form. They may be athletic, tall, petite, round, brunette, blonde, green-eyed--whatever you find to your liking. This is definitely not love, in and of itself. A good rule here is "you can't help the first look." After that, it may send the wrong signal. Women are experts here--they'll size up potential male mates in, virtually, milliseconds, and then quickly look away. Some will look away even if they are interested--they are usually starting some level of a flirtatious "hard-to-get" game. Don't let that fool ya, fellas!
Flirtatiousness
The object of your desire may be slightly or very flirtatious--some of it natural, and some of it practiced. It may be very subtle--a confident wink here, a certain adjustment of the hair, an innocent touch or brush by (or not so innocent!), or a prolonged gaze. Some people are just naturally bubbly, and so easy with it that they excel at jobs such as customer service, food servers, bartending, sales, management, etc.--they just know how to make you feel good, but without leading one on to an expectation of something more permanent. Still others study body language, and "work" their natural attractions to their best advantage. As long as one's aim is positive, and not to manipulate or lead someone on (or overly "hands-on"), this is usually harmless and acceptable. Again, there are many shades of gray when it comes to flirtation, and it could reach the level of unwanted advances, and even sexual harassment--so be careful!
Physiological Symptoms
If you start to feel a combination of the above levels, you might start to "fall." BUT, when you start experiencing measurable biological signs, you could be starting to be infatuated (still not love, and could potentially lead to a broken heart). Rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, suddenly (uncharacteristically) shy (or, for a normally shy person--suddenly emboldened to approach someone).
Life is Good
OK. Now you have found common ground, and started a relationship. Casual dating is fine. As teenagers, you spend some (mostly intensely supervised) time together--doing homework, going to the mall, watching a movie, walks in the park, etc. Above all else, keep your education and future as the primary goal--you'll have plenty of time (believe me!) for dating and relationships once you have a good job (and a college degree). I know the allure of having someone "there" for you is great, and you might develop great expectations of marriage, a home of your own, 2.3 kids, etc., but this either person could suddenly experience a new round of all of the above with someone else, and leave you with nothing more than broken dreams. Regardless, you will have to continue with your life's goals. Don't turn your back on your family's upbringing, your education, and their (and, hopefully, your) hopes and dreams--don't bet it on one person, before you are even established in a college program or good job with benefits. Typically, your twenties are a good time to start more serious dating--after all of this has been firmly established. Having a child too early will severely limit your potential, including social mobility; wait until you're married and psychologically and economically ready!
Relax and Enjoy Your Life!
Your period of casual, supervised dating is a time to just begin to get to know the nature of potential suitors--again, don't develop great expectations, make great steps, or perform social "experiments" (for my more cerebral friends). Date lightly. It's hard to prescribe an exact course-of-action for each person, but it's generally good to casually date a few people in your life, before settling down to get married, although there are many examples of those marrying their "high school sweetheart"-their "one-and-only," and living a charmed life forevermore. That's the exception, rather than the rule, however.
If You Have a "Dysfunctional" Family...
Tread carefully, here--"buyer beware" (that's caveat emptor in Latin). It can be very difficult to tell if you're in "love," if you don't have strong examples of that in your life, or simply don't feel that you do. Don't enter a relationship, for example, with someone your parents wouldn't approve of, as a way of "getting back" at your parent(s). This is a recipe for disaster. And don't make relationship decisions when you are very emotional (especially for a reason involving your family). Often, dysfunctional families occur because one or both of the parents came from one, and a cycle, sometimes involving alcohol or other drugs, abuse, an undiagnosed or mistreated /misunderstood mental illness (of even a parent's parent), or some other deleterious factor, contributed to the present state of the family--before you know it, you may find yourself exhibiting the very traits you didn't appreciate in your parent(s), or choosing a boy/girlfriend, unwittingly, with those trait(s), or worse. Always make clear-headed decision. For those considering marriage--remember that "the person you marry will determine 90% of your happiness." I'm putting this out there, in general, and for consideration--but I mostly agree with the statement.
So What is True Love?
True love means you would sacrifice all for this person, and you show complete and utter respect and regard for them--not abuse. The person returns this love, in earnest, and it is unselfish, and committed. Nothing is done to injure or harm either party, and harmful, recurring manipulation is not occurring. Usually, it takes several (sometimes many) relationships to begin to find what really draws you to another person, and someone who is willing to accept you-bad qualities, defects, and all-totally. And some say that you many not really, really come to know a person--even after many decades of marriage! I have a friend that didn't discover that his elderly dad had two previous wives, and other children, until he was in college (I wonder how much of this his mother knew when they married)! So make sure that the other person is someone you not only trust, but who trusts YOU enough to reveal themselves to you, and not harbor any secrets. I would go so far, in this modern day and age, to conduct Internet background checks, or just a quick Google of their name, and a perusal of any social networking sites they may have (ie. Myspace)--you really need to know who you're dealing with!
"Love at First Sight"
Do I believe this is possible? On its face--no; it is really "infatuation at first sight." There are too many factors involved, and the chance of every step of possible rejection being bypassed, all the way until you've entered a "perfect relationship or union," is highly unlikely. One still has to go through the above-mentioned levels. And if it happens to work out, and you enter into a lasting, loving relationship--you can then describe it as such, to your kids and grandkids. So it only exists in "hindsight" for me, but I wouldn't try to convince someone who believes they have experienced it otherwise. It is more realistic to try to maintain a feeling of strong mutual love, admiration, and respect, despite the struggles-because any relationship requires continuous WORK to nurture this feeling, and remember the qualities that first drew you to each other. The "crowning achievement" of a love that has survived and grown, through nurturing, is loving, caring children (for those who are capable), with two married, adoring parents, who know what it feels like to be loved, protected, and instilled with confidence to face an uncertain world, and have stuck it out, despite the sometimes seemingly unrealistic (or irrational) demands, and continue to stick it out, with unabashed, unwavering commitment--forever.
That's All, Folks!
That's my take on how you know when you're in love, and how to begin to appreciate it, from a teenager's (vicarious) perspective (and in hindsight)--would you call that "parent-sight?" Excelsior!
To see some "high-flying" love, click HERE.
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Member: Kevin England
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