Mighty Neighborly!
Feb 07 '09 (Updated Feb 08 '09)
The Bottom Line It pays not to mess with a writer.
Those that know me, know we’ve had an “interesting” renting experience this past year.
I should have been documenting this entire year, because the stories are hilarious…if they aren’t happening to you. I will try to give you a glimpse into our life now:
To set things up…each of these events alone would not cause you to want to freak out, we get that. However, in addition to these incidents, we DAILY live with people driving up in the driveway and honking the horn at all hours of the day and night, screaming, cursing incessantly (God d**n and F**K are among the favorites), the dog barking non-stop, visitors who stop in for about 2 minutes each (wonder what that’s all about?) Are we innocent in all of this? No. If we happen to witness one of these events, we do laugh at these people and we will occasionally scream out quotes we’ve heard (see below) when walking into our home. But, some people deserve to be made fun of, right? Read on:
Move in day: We see bicycles in the yard and I tell the kids “look, it will be ok! There are kids that live next door for you to play with!” About that time a wild haired woman walks out and screams for everyone to get in the God D**M car! I look at the kids and tell them never ever go over to the next door neighbor’s house.
I also begin to realize why the preacher who lived here before us is moving down the street to a smaller and more expensive apartment.
A month later: we are moving in a different bed for Ty’s room, and the neighbor’s comment “Look, we ran another one off!” I wish.
New Year’s Eve 2007: He comes over in an apparent emergency asking to borrow $60. We give it to him. We have never seen that money again.
Summer: We hear the cretin screaming into the phone that he will NOT cut his hair for “NO G.D. court!” 5 minutes later, we see him in his bathroom shaving off the aforementioned mullet.
Summer: We are filing out of the house and hear neighbor sternly proclaim on the phone “You cain’t pin that on me!”
Summer: Loud house party, neighbor leans out the back door (which faces our side door) to throw up, then resumes drinking beer before back door shuts on him.
November 6 2008: Ty is having a slumber party for his birthday and they ask me to let them go outside to play hide and seek in the dark. I agree. Neighbors having another house party, and soon one of the patrons comes out screaming “I don’t want to fuc**n' fight you Scotty! I’m your G.D. friend!” and the wife says “Don’t fight, Scotty, you know I got a broke back!” I promptly get all 6 little boys in the house.
2nd installment...our redneck showdown!
I promised it would be continued, and so it will.
In spite of the fact our neighbors still owe us the $60, they progressively bring in new toys to the house. Of recent acquisition is a dirt bike and a 4-wheeler which they ride around their 1/3 acre lot, round and round and round. The noise is deafening, and lately we see their friends and children peeking over the fence while riding by to see if they are getting a reaction out of us.
Friday, we took the kids to the mountains. While we were loading the car, one of the friends was on the property line with the dirt bike, revving the engine and looking at us. Dustin said "You don't have to look over here while you do it, we could care less. We are leaving in a week."
On our way out, the kid gave us the finger. I'd had enough. We called the police to report the noise and unruly behavior, and the animal control officers to report the dog tazering my kids reported to us. While on the way up the mountain, Dustin and I plot things to do to get them back without getting us thrown in jail.
I come up with the bright idea to take random photos of them and let them wonder what the heck I'd do with them.
Saturday morning arrives, and we awaken to the sounds of dirt bike. I go outside to my car to begin my photo campaign, using my child as a decoy. It seemed the perfect plan.
Oh the fun I was having...until the wife drove home unexpectedly. And the jig was up. While happily snapping away I hear a screaching "Scotty! The Godda** neighbor is taking fuc** pictures, you better find out what for!" All eyes are suddenly upon me.
Next I have the pleasure of hearing the older gentleman (father?) scream at HER that she better watch her mouth or he'd hit her upside the head.
This, however, was not satisfying enough for me. I proceed to march over to tell them exactly why I'm taking pictures. She tells me that I have no rights, because I am only a "renter" and they are "owners." I quickly explain that they are not owners either, as their names aren't on the deed to the home, per the tax records I'd just checked. She, inflamed, screams "Scotty! Did you hear that? She said we don't own this house!"
(If only I'd known it was this easy to get under their skin so many months earlier.)
When I explain my issues with the vehicles Scotty tells me that as long as he is in his own yard, I have no complaint. I explain calmly that he shouldn't have all of these new toys if in fact he still owes us $60. At the mention of money, wife runs inside. Scotty tries to distract me with the fact that we called animal control on him. He angrily points out the 5 godda** bowls of food (all empty) that the dog has. I'm still trying to get him to be reasonable about the incessant riding around the yard when I notice Mary Ashley has fled.
At this time, Dustin comes flying out of the house in house slippers and pajama bottoms. Mary Ashley has told on me..."Mommy is outside fighting with the neighbors!"
Dustin: "Suzanne, come home, just leave it alone."
Suzanne: "I'm just trying to have a normal conversation here!"
Dustin: "You can't have a normal conversation...they aren't normal!"
Scotty 2 Hotty: "What the hell? He called me unnormal! What the hell does that mean? I'll show you unnormal, right upside yo head!! I let these do my talkin! (shakes fist). He dances around us both, railing about being called Unnormal until he works himself up to a boiling point. It all seems very Joe Dirtish. Dustin does not help matters by laughing at him delightedly. He sees the fodder we will have for that night's award ceremony.
He then informs Dustin that him being in our yard will not save him this time, and invites him into the street for a "whoopin".
About this time the police arrive.
Scotty is belligerantly telling the cop that we called him UNNORMAL. AND that we were taking pictures! Ack! The cop finally has enough and tells Scotty, calling him by name no less, to "Shut up and go back in your yard."
Dustin goads Scotty with..."Oh, so you are on a first name basis with the cops!!"
The cop asks me what happened, where I inform him that we did NOT call him unnormal, because that isn't a word. We would have called him ABNORMAL if anything. Secondly, I did admit to taking a few pictures. The cop shoots the breeze with us for a few minutes, giving us the back story on Scotty and his wife, how they acquired the home, what they do for work, and the late night 2-minute visits from apparent strangers.
At this point, Scotty laments from his drive that "He ain't saying nothing to them!"
The police car leaves and we agree to disagree about the appropriateness of riding offroad vehicles in a small yard.
Today as I come home from work, there they are waiting for us to arrive to begin the caravan around the yard. I smile pretty and wave, looking nearly apologetic for all that has gone on before. Scotty is thrown off guard enough to wave back. I'm inside before he begins his campaign of noise against us.
We shut the door and laugh like hyenas. I just like to keep them on their toes.
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Mom2TyZick
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Member: Suzanne
Location: North Carolina
Reviews written: 202
Trusted by: 238 members
About Me:
Real Estate Rock Star
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