The Issues Are Fear And Loss
Feb 01 '00 (Updated Feb 04 '00)
Death is such an ambiguous issue because it chooses to remain undefined, which leaves it entirely within the realm of "belief". Consequently there is no clear-cut advice to distribute on this because it is naturally shrouded in total mystery. My leanings in life inevitably shape my decisions in this area, as do yours and everyone else's. But common to us all are the primary components of this vast issue, which are as follows:
1) Existence. Death can only be absolutely defined as some kind of drastic transition. People with strictly modern scientific/academic leanings tend toward choosing to view death from a biological perspective, whereas every religion that I know of embraces the concept of some form of continuation. Since in all cases this transition puts the deceased out of reach of the living, this issue will be of primary importance to children, who will no doubt be shocked by this contrast. If you are Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Buddhist, or Hindu, I would recommend accentuating the concept of continuation that, in different forms, is allowed by all of these faiths. This will drastically decrease the shock value of loosing contact with a loved one. Because my leanings involve "spiritual" belief systems that I feel my life experience has reinforced, I personally am comfortable with this, and do not look at it as a form of deception.
My personal choice would be to tell a child that their departed loved one has simply undertaken a "long trip", and that there will be eventual reunions. If you have more academic leanings, I would suggest stressing the natural order on the planet, and that death is nature's way of keeping a healthy cycle of life going and to prevent overcrowding so that others can live. Actually, my personal beliefs are always balanced in these areas, since I feel that both things are not mutually exclusive, and would choose to teach a balance of the two. In fact I feel this is best, since children must understand the physical mechanisms of disease, old age, and injury that are always involved. Even if you cherish spiritual beliefs it is important not to neglect initiating your children into the understanding of how things actually play themselves out in the world. In the case of suicide or murder, it may be appropriate to delay the complete versions of these explanations, but overall I feel children need not be shielded from the truth. Shedding light fully on the situation is an effective antidote to fear.
I must stress *very* strongly that there are, from *any* perspective, both faith oriented and clinically scientific, no *absolute* verified answers in this area, and it falls to each individual/family to establish what they feel in their hearts is most correct. No one can *tell* you that you are making the wrong basic decision here, although they may feel relatively certain in their own. So do what you feel most strongly at gut/heart level. Since you are playing the role of establishing truth for your child, your own convictions about what that is will dictate your response. I would only strongly suggest that, if it is at all possible, you attempt to spend time with your child "making sense" of this drastic change, from whatever perspective works best in your view. This is the act of seeing that even scary and stressful experiences can, after a time, reveal themselves to be livable and ultimately natural, in spite of our misgivings. This process of "sorting it out" truly will help turn tragedy into something much less overwhelming and burdensome.
2) Loss. This one is big since the loss in death is total. Again, depending on your beliefs, the time frame of that totality will vary from temporary to permanent, but for everyone the contrast is stark and immediate. Your child has lost a friend in a grandparent or pet, and my personal conviction here is that the short term goal is to help them move on. This is a touchy subject because we want to honor those who have passed by remembering them, but for a child I really feel that in the short term forgetting is best. Let them remember when they are a bit older and the shock has lessened with time. The hard fact here is that emotionally we are torn apart by strong attachments to things out of reach, and this is particularly true of children, who still maintain intense patterns of attachment based on their natural ongoing relationship with their parents. After my mother died when I was eleven, my father quickly whisked myself and my older sister off to Disneyland for a week. The idea was simply to put something else in the front of our minds for a while.
Memories are fine, but they can also constitute a kind of "cycle of addiction", and this can have lasting repercussions. Obviously a parent, grandparent, or sibling can never be "replaced", but a pet can. My personal suggestion is, if the children will stand for this at all, to quickly adopt another dog or cat after one has died. The child may resent this at first, but in most cases they will take quickly to the new companionship of this pet, which will be asking for the child's love. This new relationship will quickly wash away the remebered hurt of the death of the previous animal. This may sound strange, but I feel that even in the case of a deceased human relative, a new pet may help considerably, inserting a new positive relationship to help distract the child from the sense of loss. Everyone must "move on" after the death of a loved one, and new positive relationships or involvements help to begin new phases in our lives and break our attachments to those who have gone.
Again, your own beliefs are inseparable from this massive issue, but I ask you to look for ways of "making sense" of it all from your own perspective, even if you are struggling to do so yourself. Children are looking to you for stability as well as guidance and a sense of "what to do next". The most helpful thing you can do for them in this awesomely challenging time is to help them first to "accept", and then to "move on", and realize that this ended relationship is not meant to devastate their little lives. Rather it is part of the richness and growth experience of life. In doing so you will invariably help yourselves make the transition more smoothly and with fewer long term emotional scars.
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