Lambira's Sleeper Hits: 10 Best Bedtime Movies of '99
Feb 21 '00
When I travel, I usually sleep like a baby…up every hour on the hour. Therefore, I place a different criteria to enjoy a movie in a hotel situation than in any other medium. I rent movies in hotel rooms for a very specific purpose: to bore me to sleep. 1999 was one of the greatest Land Of Nod movie years that I can remember ... I had a tough time narrowing it to my top 10. Whether popular and critical sentiment has branded these films as winners or losers is irrelevant. They have all helped contribute to my quality of life by acting as visual Sominex and knocking me out. I guess you could call them my ‘sleeper hits’ (snort, giggle, snort). Here goes:
10: Titanic. .Watching the first hour of romantic foreplay between Leo and Kate is better than counting sheep. With the exception of wistful glances, some sketching, and relentless costume changes, not a lot happens in the first hour. As long as you fall asleep before the ship starts sinking (there are some loud noises and shouting when the boat’s breaking up, and looking at people from third-class steerage can be so unsettling!), you’re golden. (Yes, you PURISTS, I know that technically this is a ’98 movie, but it spent a lot of time on Lodge Net in ’99, especially in the Marriott and Hyatt hotel chains).
9: Notting Hill. . Hugh Grant’s soothing English accent and constant stuttering act as white noise, sending you straight off for your forty winks.
8. You’ve Got Mail. .Romantic comedies are usually a sure-fire genre for sleepy-time. Lots of longing looks and meaningful discussions. With YGM, you’ve got the added narcotic effect of watching people type email on computers. To me, Meg Ryan = melatonin.
7: The Story Of Us. (See You’ve Got Mail and Notting Hill). The only thing even remotely worth staying awake for in this movie is to count all of Bruce Willis’ dreadful hairpieces. The novelty of this activity wears off after the first viewing, leaving nothing but nod the second and third time around.
6: Wild Wild West. . With the exception of Salma Hayek’s heaving breasts and a few shirtless scenes with Will Smith, nothing to see here, people. You won’t miss a thing…sleep with confidence!
5: Forces Of Nature . The quality of Ben Affleck’s crooked teeth has improved dramatically since Chasing Amy. Unfortunately, one cannot say the same for his movies. Was Good Will Hunting a fluke? FON would certainly support a ‘Yes’ answer. And poor Sandra Bullock (see also Meg Ryan…no matter how hard she tries with movies like this and Two If By Sea., she just can’t seem to kill off her career once and for all. Luckily, in the meantime, her script choices are surefire snoozers. I could go on and on about the restorative, restful powers of that Hope Floats movie, but I’m starting to get drowsy.
4: The General’s Daughter.The occasional dramatic yelling and gunfire don’t do a thing to make this turkey any less appealing as a bedtime choice. Any loud noises are neutralized by Travolta’s laughable accents, the convoluted and silly plot, and the rhythmic cadences of the military sequences.
3: 10 Things I Hate About American Pie Never Being Kissed And All That. You might be able to wring a few snickers out of these limp attempts at teen-oriented comedy on the first viewing. But the next time around, the formulaic jokes and predictable plotlines make these an excellent backup choice if Lodgenet is too heavy on the action films. Interchangeably boring, they are also a good second team if your first-string renters don’t do the job.
2: The Cider House Rules. Although this was a late ’99 release, it’s narcotic effects will make it a nighttime classic for months to come on Spectravision. Michael Caine sniffs ether. Tobey Maguire picks apples. Adorable orphans scamper around. Homer’s journey back to the orphanage is a long, long, long, long, boring, boring, and slow one. (I do understand that this movie was nominated for an Academy Award and that my utter lack of interest in it is not the norm. But hey, this is MY list, so back off.)
1: Meet Joe Black. . Without a doubt, this was THE surefire winner of ’99 (in fact, this might have technically been a ’98 movie as well, but, tough). This movie withstood every challenge I threw its way. 10pm aerobics? Double espresso? Stressful presentation the next morning? Whatever was on my mind or in my body was no match for the sedative qualities of this film. The pretentious, drawn out pace, the somnolent and somber dialogue, the sheer bore-iffic force that is Brad Pitt! Meet Joe Black is a breakthrough in sleep inducement. I have rented this movie at LEAST twenty times, and have literally never seen the ending. I usually fall asleep when Brad Pitt goes scampering through the mansion licking peanut butter. I believe that it was after making this movie that Antony Hopkins told everyone he was going to quit the business. Thankfully, that turned out not to be true, but I know how he felt. He must have been so dang tired.
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Lambira
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About Me:
Finicky and allergy-ridden, I often display a holier-than-thou attitude to compensate for a boring life.
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