Pros: Short book, fast reading, still very informative
Cons: The section on kids kept this book from being 5 stars
The Bottom Line: A wonderful book on a relatively complex subject. Written not only for those in an open relationship but for those curious or concerned for someone they know.
lisaffire's Full Review: Wendy-O Matik - Redefining Our Relationships: Guid...
While researching something new, I like to reference a number of resources to really get a feel for something. Such is the case with polyamory or what others call non-monogamy. I'd already read another book on the topic http://www0.epinions.com/content_435134828164 which I found very useful, however, another voice was needed.
After researching through my county library's online system, I found Wendy O. Matik's Redefining Our Relationships. When it first arrived, I was surprised. The book was thin, not even 100 pages which, in many ways, was a psychological lift after the longer Pagan Polyamory book. The title was subtle though the subtitle: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships, really told the tale.
The book is not indexed but has a somewhat helpful Table of Contents that loosely divides things into the following sections:
Matik opens with one page of definitions for terms she likes to use, like lover, open relationship and making love. You may not agree with her definition but knowing how the author is using such words is very handy in the analysis of their work.
The first section then is Why An Alternative Relationship? This chapter goes into why anyone would be interested in such a relationship. For those looking to be in an open relationship this is a very useful 'check in' process. Matik explains what this book is about - helping a relationship to grow through openness. It's not a debate against or for anything but simply a 'how-to' guide for those who are interested.
The next section is entitled Intimacy and covers what it means to be intimate. Think you know? Are you ready to stretch your own definition of intimacy and love and how you relate to others, in general? This chapter will help open the mind as well as the relationship (for those looking to do so).
Next Matik tackles the topic of Open Relationships in a very short chapter. What it means in a monogamous society to be open and ultimately she challenges the reader to ask what their ideal relationship is. Not that paradise is necessary or even possible but that without knowing or dreaming of what you want, you've little chance of even reaching for it.
Misconceptions gets its own section. That's a good thing for when you speak with others in the mainstream there are plenty of them. This chapter helps one understand the difference between the myths out there and the realities for many in non-monogamous relationships.
An equally important topic is discussed in Confronting Jealousy. This is a topic many folks wonder about in almost any relationship - more so in an open one. How can you stand to see your spouse with someone else? How could you live with the idea of someone you love being intimate with another? This is one of the longer chapters as to give what can be a nasty beast in any relationship, proper light. The chapter helps us understand and confront jealousy, which then allows us to do something about it and manage it. A handy reference table is provided with bullet points to help in an active jealous fit. A very helpful and handy guide for anyone in a relationship actually. Anyone brave enough to grow from feelings of jealousy instead of hide.
Early Stages is a section that handles how to take the first baby steps into the world of open relationships. Couples are encouraged to practice communication and to have a solid foundation before even considering something this radical.
We then venture into the world of Guidelines in a section written to discuss and help you formulate rules, regulations and boundaries in your open relationships. Rules? Boundaries? Yes, absolute necessities for most any relationship but requirements in the complicated and complex world of growing more than one committed relationship at a time.
Of course rules and boundaries can only go so far which is why the section on Conflict Strategies may come in handy. Into any relationship a little conflict will fall, add in partners and you can easily imagine the levels of conflict that can blizzard in. The relationship tools listed have helped the author and can help others who find themselves needing reassurance or simply dealing with their partners.
Some of Us Have Kids is a disappointing chapter. It was written not by Matik but by a friend, Famous. It's written in more of a long winded memoir way that doesn't match the rest of the book. It tells the story of the writer and how she and her primary partner had a baby and how it impacted their other relationships. Life with baby and child and balancing all those relationships isn't covered, nor are there questions answered about how to raise a child in open relationship. Thankfully that was covered well in the other book on polyamory I reviewed.
Life as Options is a section that discusses how open relationships can be an option, not for everyone, but for those who have found themselves conflicted and bound by the rules of monogamy. It's a reminder that, when you choose polyamory as a lifestyle, you're not limited but open to flirt and even building a new relationship - if the opportunity presents itself. Included are two pages of Dos & Don'ts on How to Share a Lover with your Partner. Yes, this is designed for those who are looking to have more than one of their lovers at a time. Good advice includes "Do not bring home a lover to share with your partner before clearing it with them first." and "Start off slow and don't be in a rush to get the orgasm. This is the time for extra reassurance and tenderness for all people involved." Like I said, the section is about options - not for everyone but options nonetheless.
The next section In Summary, wraps things up on a learning level. It wraps up the options, positive things and ways one can grow in an open relationship - often more so than in a monogamous one. The final section is called Free-writing Piece on Love which is an artistic wrap up but equally a synopsis of the ideas presented in the book. A poem, written by the author signs things off.
A short bibliography and suggestions for further analysis tie out the end of the book itself as well as a short bio of the author and the artist whose black and white illustrated drawings appear before the beginning of each section. The drawings are simple and look like a variety of papers held by lines with clips forming an almost patchwork quilt quality punctuating the concepts presented in the book. That of piecing together the love and relationships you want and need in your life.
This book is not a heavy tome. It's written to be breezed through and further contemplated on one's own. I read this book easily and was surprised how fast it was to read a book on such a heavy subject. Most of the chapters are quite short. Some are only a page or two long. It's wonderful for those looking to partake in an open relationship or for those who wish to understand why someone would choose such a thing. Even if you're not looking to be polyamorous and choose an open relationship, this book can help you understand why someone else may. My mom read this book and noted, it's definitely not for her, this lifestyle but can see now, why someone else may choose it.
I'd really like to give this book 5 stars and only really hold it back from that due to the book on raising children in an open relationship - if we could give half stars I'd give it a solid 4.5. The parenting chapter didn't match the rest of the book's 'feel' and frankly didn't hold much in the way of practical information on raising kids in an open relationship. It was more a memoir about one couple who chose to focus on their primary relationship during pregnancy and their realization that life after baby would be different. Thankfully there is better, more practical information out there, it's just not in this particular book.
So if you're concerned about someone you know who's in or looking to be in an open relationship, this book can be as helpful to you as it is to them in helping them define and create the relationship of their choosing. Ultimately though, this book is a well rounded book on how to open your own relationship and avoid the pitfalls if not grow and learn from them.
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