knotheadusc's Full Review: Wednesday Martin - Stepmonster: A New Look at Why ...
When I was growing up, I hoped to get married and have kids someday. My own mother got married at 19 and is still married to my father, her first and only husband. In December, they will celebrate their 52nd wedding anniversary. I had always hoped that I would grow up and marry like she had and have kids of my own. My dreams definitely had nothing to do with being a stepmother. But, unlike my mother, I did not get married until I was 30 years old. My husband Bill was 38 when we tied the knot. We don't have kids of our own. Bill was married for almost ten years to his first wife. He and his ex wife had two children together and she brought a son from her first marriage to their union. From what Bill tells me and from what I've seen firsthand since their split, Bill and his ex wife had a very rocky marriage. Unfortunately, she's used her pain and anger to alienate the children. Bill has not spoken to his daughters in almost five years. He and his former stepson, whom he had always regarded as a son, are also no longer on speaking terms. Bill's ex has moved on to her third husband and has two more kids with him.
When stepmotherhood was new to me, I sought out resources to help me cope with my role. I have never been a mother or a stepchild, so I hoped to find out how to relate to my husband's daughters. I expected that I would see them regularly and we would have a relationship. I figured that things would be awkward and they might even hate me, but I was determined to try my best not to be the stereotypical wicked stepmonster. Unfortunately, as it's turned out, I have only met my husband's girls once. After that one visit, the ex decided I was too much of a bad influence on them and made it exceedingly difficult for my husband to have regular visitations. The girls' behavior since our one and only meeting has been so hateful that I'm not sure I ever want to have anything to do with them, even if they do reconnect with Bill. So yes, I am technically a stepmother, although it feels like my stepchildren are ghosts who eat up a significant portion of Bill's paycheck every month as they give their father the silent treatment.
Nevertheless, I am still interested in the issues pertaining to steplife and that's what led me to read Wednesday Martin's 2009 book, Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do. Wednesday Martin has a PhD in comparative literature from Yale University and is herself a stepmother to her husband's two daughters, one of whom lived full time with her husband when Martin became her stepmother. Martin and her husband also share two sons of their own.
The review that introduced me to Stepmonster...
I first heard about this book when some of my stepmom buddies on an online messageboard posted a link to a review that was posted on Salon.com. The book review made Stepmonster sound intriguing, but I found the comments that came after the review even more interesting. A lot of the people who had something to say about Stepmonster were adult stepchildren... and a lot of those folks had awful opinions of the women who had taken on stepmotherhood. Reading some of the comments made me cringe, even though I could sort of see where they were coming from. It's true I've never been a stepchild, but I can imagine how I might have felt as a kid if some strange man or woman suddenly came into my life and my home, presuming to be a parent figure. As an adult, I might also understand how an adult child might feel threatened by a parent's new spouse... especially if they think they're entitled to an inheritance of some sort. Anyway, the review on Salon.com was enough to prompt me to read the book. I think it's really refreshing to read a book that presents the stepmother's side of step-life.
Martin lays out what being a stepmom means...
There are a lot of women out there who are not very nice to their husband's kids. On the other hand, there are also a lot of very nice women out there who really meant well when they chose to marry a man with kids. But being a stepmom is often a tough, thankless job. As Martin points out in her book, a lot of stepmothers are asked to take on a lot of responsibility, yet are not given any authority. Martin illustrates this in one example, in which a mother railed at a stepmother for not forcing her daughter to wear deodorant. The stepmother was incredulous, since it had also been made clear that she was not to try to "mother" the girl in any way. Stepchildren and their mothers often make it very plain to their stepmom that she is not their mother. Oftentimes, they even go as far as telling the stepmom that the stepchild doesn't have to love her. Yet everyone seems to expect the stepmom to refrain from pointing out that the stepchild is not her child... and she similarly may resent having to share her husband with a child from another marriage. And let's not forget, the stepmother doesn't have to love her stepchild, either.She is, however, often expected to love that child as if it were her own, no matter how undesirable the child's behavior may be.
Society seems to expect stepmoms to suddenly have warm, maternal feelings toward their husband's children, even if those kids are hateful and disrespectful to them. Few people bat an eye when a stepchild expresses disdain for a stepmother. Apparently, it's expected, because stepmothers seem to be people it's okay to hate. And yet, let a stepmother say something negative about her husband's kids, and she's often subjected to scorn. People ask her "who's the adult?" or they point out that old adage about wicked stepmoms. Or... they even utter those damnable words, "You knew what you were getting into" or "That's what you signed up for." Nevermind the fact that, actually, a lot of stepmothers marry with the very best of intentions and some are even empathetic to their husband's children. Some even have rosey fantasies of living in harmony with the children who came before her. But for many reasons, being a successful stepmother is an uphill battle. Those fairytales we all read as children sure didn't do us stepmothers any favors, either.
Nobody wants to be a stepmom... yet so many women are one
As Martin points out, many marriages in the United States are doomed to failure. And half of all American women will eventually end up marrying a divorced man who has kids. Of those marriages, about 70% will fail. My stomach sank as I read that passage, but I felt a little better a couple of pages later, when Martin wrote that if a couple manages to make it past the first few stormy years, the statistics for success are a little better. Bill and I will celebrate seven years in November and his kids are almost fully grown. Moreover, their mother has kept them out of our lives, so we haven't had to deal with a lot of the dramatic situations that Martin writes about in Stepmonster. We also don't have kids together and at this point, it doesn't look like we will ever have them.
With so many women ending up as stepmothers, one would think the role would have become less contentious. I can't help but wonder if some of the women who were stepchildren and have ended up as stepmothers don't somehow feel empathy for the women their fathers remarried. But, as Martin writes in a chapter about adult stepchildren, it seems that stepmoms still don't get much respect, even when they marry their husbands after the children have grown or the first wife has died.
It's a complicated issue...
I think Wednesday Martin does a great job of exploring all of the angles of stepmotherhood. She interviewed stepmothers and stepchildren and offers a lot of insight as to why people in step situations feel the way they do. The one idea that came across loud and clear to me is that the distance and disrespect stepchildren may express toward their stepmothers is very often not personal. The stepmother often represents an obstacle to the fantasy that mom and dad will get back together someday. She's a safe target for the anger the kids may feel toward their father. Some stepkids wonder if the new stepmom is actually there to stay, and they may also struggle with loyalty issues toward their mothers. But the truth is, many stepkids would probably act that way toward any woman who became their stepmother. In my own experience, I've come to realize that Bill could have married a woman as kind and gentle as Mother Theresa and his kids would probably still be hateful. In a way, it's comforting to me to realize that since the kids don't really know me, their anger toward me isn't really based on any wicked behavior on my part.
Meanwhile, fathers may be feeling guilty about the divorce and take a very permissive attitude toward their children. They may insist that their wife accept, understand, and excuse the children's behavior, even when it's incredibly rude and offensive. They may expect their second wife to cook, clean, and babysit their kids, yet not give them any authority to discipline them. They may expect the stepmom to automatically accept and understand any situation that arises with the stepchild, even if the stepmom wouldn't accept or understand it from her own kids. And the stepchildren may end up growing up with an attitude of entitlement, brought on by the father's guilt.
Things tend to get even more complicated if the second wife has a baby of her own. Suddenly, she has her own child to focus on and that may bring up feelings of jealousy and competition in the stepchild as well as upset the first wife. A new child gives the stepmom the chance to raise a child as she sees fit... but it may also cause the stepchild to feel even more alienated.
Just to keep things scientific...
Martin includes a section that explores the biological side of parenting. She writes about how sociobiological factors in other species relate to the human experience. One section is devoted to bees and how they deal with "step issues" in the hive. She also studies a Mormon polygynous group and discusses a study involving birds.
Overall
I definitely think this is worthwhile reading for anyone who is a stepmother or loves one. While it's true that there are stepmothers out there who deserve their bad reputations, the truth is, most stepmothers are simply human. I found this book a refreshing change from the many books out there that only focus on the stepchild's plight. For that reason, Stepmonster gets five stars and a hearty recommendation from me.
For more information: http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/
For the Salon.com review: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/05/20/havrilesky_stepmonster/index.html
A groundbreaking and truly stepmother-centered way of understanding the tensions that seem to define relations between women and their stepchildren Ha...More at HotBookSale
Stepmonster illuminates the harrowing process of becoming a stepmother, considers the myths and realities of marrying a man with children, and counter...More at Buy.com
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