Three dimensions. Zero depth
Written: Sep 09 '09 (Updated Sep 09 '09)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: 3D. 3D boobs
Cons: Everything else in this wretched vile film
The Bottom Line: Dreadful film perked up slightly by 3D
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| ALawston's Full Review: The Final Destination |
"Do you want to see The Final Destination on Sunday?" came the text.
"Not really, but you're blonde and you have a nice car," would have been my honest reply, but I tried to drum up a bit of enthusiasm nonetheless.
"Have you seen the first ones?" my friend asked as we queued in Wandsworth's Cineworld. "Do you know what they're about?"
"I suspect they're about two hours of my life that I'm never going to get back," I thought, but I was wrong.
It was closer to an hour and a half.
The future's so bright...
We were in fact all wearing sunglasses. Sort of. We were handed a pair of Two Ronnies-esque black rimmed glasses with our tickets. Both my friend and I wear glasses already for the cinema, but the 3D specs fitted over them quite comfortably, although we looked like indescribable dorks - there are some photos I hope never to see on Facebook. Despite wearing two sets of glasses, I didn't experience any eyestrain or anything throughout the film.
The Final Destination
Now in 3D, which we probably have to describe as eye-popping, I believe this is the fourth film in the not-particularly-popular Final Destination series. In each installment of which a group of young people escape a catastrophic accident, before being 'hunted down' by death in the order in which they would have died.
This time round, some cars demolish a rickety grandstand at a racetrack, and some ridiculously rich young Americans then spend the rest of the film trying to cheat death, with horribly gory consequences.
It's ironic that the film's plot is driven by the premonition of a disaster, because that's exactly what I had when I saw the trailer...
On every level except the special effects, this is a truly dreadful film. The acting is awful and the dialogue just excruciating. At one point one character is literally suicidal, but just wanders around being a bit sulky. The basic idea, of characters being faced with imminent pre-destined death, and struggling to stay alive in the face of that knowledge, should be fairly interesting, but you have to care about at least a few of the characters to make that work.
Instead, the only one I was sorry to see die was the blond jock. He was a fairly consistently unpleasant character, but at least he had some sort of character. And his death referenced Chuck Paliahnuk's infamous short story Guts. Which, although a welcome intertext, brings me on to the main problem with the film.
Guts is a short story so vile, so disgusting, so nauseating in its graphic detail, that people have been known to throw up or pass out when the author gives readings. In The Final Destination, a similar scenario occurs, but the only point at which we even really winced was at the sight of a grubby 3D bandaid plaster floating past the camera in a swimming pool.
You see? You don't care about the characters, so you don't really care when they die. The single purpose of the film is gore porn. Giving viewers a sick thrill of seeing young people's entrails exploding across the screen in a variety of ways.
The first time someone's head gets knocked off by a tyre (no, really), I laughed, thinking maybe it was going to be tongue in cheek. But no, the unremitting nastiness of the bleak title sequence demonstrates that everyone involved is taking the film all too seriously.
This film is only for those with a slightly unhealthy interest in seeing people get eviscerated. The director is so in love with mangling flesh that thanks to the premonitions plot device, a few of the characters get to die two or three times.
Quite how the film managed to score a 15 certificate (that's the same as Billy Elliott, remember) in the UK is beyond me. It features explicit sex, swearing (including the 'n' word) and violence. Could it be that the BBFC is corrupt, bowing to industry pressure to make the film accessible to more cinemagoers in order to boost the profile of the 3D technology? Of course not, that's a ridiculous idea. Forget I said it. American Beauty is an 18. Who said that?
You all screw around too much
I'm no Daily Mail reader, so I'm hardly going to start yelling, 'Ban this sick film!'
Instead it really deserves ridicule because, in addition to its over the top death scenes, the ways in which the survivors of the opening tragedy meet their deaths... it's unintentionally hilarious. An unremitting barrage of discarded cigarettes, precariously balanced power tools, broken fire alarms, piles of wood shavings, unsecured scaffolding, loose bolts...
The whole thing comes across as some kind of insane health and safety video. With tits.
Dimensionally transcendental?
It's faintly ironic that such a one dimensional film should be released in 3D. I say, faintly, because of course most 3D films are pure cack. In spite of the new glasses and resurgence of interest in the technology, 3D has actually been around for decades in various forms, and the reason it's never taken off is that you need constant movement of either the camera or the stuff on screen in order to maintain the illusion of three dimensions. Which always happens at the expense of the story or characterisation. Honourable exceptions for Beowulf, and bits of Spy Kids 3D.
Anyway, Final Destination's 3D effects are competent, and mostly fairly realistic. If (for some reason) you've ever wanted to see a kidney flying past your ear, this is hopefully the closest you will ever get to the experience. Unless you're a regular traveller on the Northern Line.
There's also a topless lady in 3D, which frankly is the only reason I'm giving this film more than one star.
All in all
The Final Destination is a dreadful horror film given the merest tinge of interest by the third dimension. If you absolutely must see it, at least wait until Orange Wednesday and half your admission price. Don't even think about buying the DVD when it comes out, as the 3D effect is always lessened on the small screen. Hmm, today's Wednesday, probably your last chance... tell you what, read a book instead.
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
ALawston
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Location: London
Reviews written: 220
Trusted by: 168 members
About Me:
Send Away the Tigers
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