Freak369's Full Review: Fiona MacDonald and David Salariya - You Wouldn't ...
My kids have shared my love of medieval things since they were very young, so much so that my son requested a medieval themed birthday party one year complete with a castle cake. This is one book that I wish was out at the time because it shows a lot of different facets of the knights lifestyle, training and duties. I bought this as a joke for my oldest who spent about three years of his life convinced that he was going to grow up to be Sir Simon, riding on horseback, saving the princess who was locked away in a tower. These days his trusty steed is a computer, his damsel in distress [Princess Aimee] is just as geeky as he is and the only war he has to fight is against mountains of laundry. Even so, when I saw this book I couldn’t resist getting it for him, I knew that he’d get a laugh out of it because I spent more than a few hours trying to convince him that if he wanted to be a knight he’d have to eat his brussel sprouts so he’d grow up and be strong enough to handle the weapons. That never got him to eat his veggies but it did make him stop and rethink the whole “I wanna be a knight” thing.
You Wouldn’t Want To Be A Medieval Knight! Armor You’d Rather Not Wear
Even though the title of the book might lead you to believe that this only showcases the negatives of being a knight, it shows you all the different levels of being a knight. From starting out as a food server and waiting tables to learn manners and patience to becoming an experienced horse handler and learning to hunt with hawks to improve your visual skills. You’ll learn about things like quintains, grooming horses and even how to survive knight training if you run into a bully. But before all that happens you have to make sure that you can become a knight in the first place! Most of this depends on your bloodline and heritage; if your family comes from a long line of knights then chances are you too will be one. Other times you might be made a knight if you show bravery in battle or save a princess from danger.
But what do you do with all these knightly talents once you’ve been officially made a knight? Well, it’s not all fighting and overthrowing castles, in fact, after reading this, I bet more than a few knights were a little let down by the stuff that they’d be expected to do. You have to do a lot of kissing up to your king, something that might be hard to do if he is a strange one. You’ll also have to go about and collect the taxes, sort of like a medieval mobster that’s there to shake people down in exchange for protection. And don’t forget about the land that you own; you have to make sure it is protected and worked properly and that might mean playing the heavy with servants and peasants that aren’t doing their job. Yeah, well, eventually you will get to do some battle but come on, does that armor really have to be that heavy? Those knights that didn’t want to be loyal to just one king or had riches on their mind could always outsource their skills and become a mercenary. These are the guys who were loyal to those who offered the most for their talents but you best beware, they might swear to fight for you but if someone offers them more money or a faster horse, chances are they’ll leave you in the dust.
The book also goes into detail about life inside a castle; the extreme weather conditions of summer and winter, how to prepare for an attack and [ack!] when your wife is picked for you. You also have to contend with the noise from the forge [and the heat as well], dungeons and all the noise prisoners can make [and the smell from their dead rotting corpses], traps like a portcullis and of course those late night parties with other knights. One thing that I really found amusing was the illustrations of how a knight would get into his armor. I goes through six stages of dress; starting out with the greaves or skin guards and working up to the helmet. Needless to say, I really hope these guys went to the bathroom before they started getting dressed because it would suck to have to get to the last piece and feel the need to go tinkle. This section of the book also explains how chain mail is made but says that it is very tedious and time consuming but a necessary part of protecting ones self from the enemy.
If it’s weapons that you want to learn about, then be sure to check out the section titled “Armed And Dangerous” because it’s got everything from short and long swords to battle axes and maces. This ties in nicely with the section on “Surviving A Siege” which also covers some of the larger weapons that are used in battle. I never knew the technical name for a trebuchet, I always called it a huge slingshot, thanks to this book I know the correct name [like that will ever come up in casual conversation]. The germ warfare is pretty funny but when you think about it, it was something that was commonly used to pollute water supplies of a castle you are attacking. Would you drink water that had dead animals in it? And while you are at it, watch out for flying dead bodies, that was another trick used to spread germs and disease into a castle. Fling a few rotting bodies over a wall and see how fast the enemy surrenders.
The last section of the book covers all the different ways that knights met their death. From dying in battle to suffering from a massive infection to being captured and tortured to death. One consolation is that if you died in battle your body would be shipped home in a barrel filled with brandy. Sort of ironic though, more brandy that you could possibly drink but you are dead and can’t enjoy a drop of it. Believe it or not, this section serves as a recap of all that a knight has to endure - severe weather conditions, being severely injured, dysentery, untreated wounds and being captured by an enemy. There are more topics to the book but you’ll just have to sit down and read it if you want to know all the tawdry little details about how to become a knight!
The Bottom Line
Even though this comes off as a somewhat comical look at knighthood, it is highly educational and provides a lot of great information. Within the sections there are small tidbits tossed in to help reinforce the subject of the chapter. The illustrations are very well done and show a wide range of characters that you may encounter if you decide to become a knight. If you have a child that wants to learn more about medieval life then this is a great book to pick up. It’s extremely fun to read and there’s even a glossary in the back to help explain words like ‘cauterize’, ‘heraldic’, ‘scutage’ and ‘portcullis’. About the only downside is that the words that are in the glossary aren’t highlighted in the book; usually when they have a glossary of terms they put the words in bold so you know to look in the glossary for more information. Outside of that, this is a very cool book that kids and adults will have a blast reading.
You (the reader) are the son of a senior servant living in England in the 1400s. Instead of following in your father s footsteps and becoming a servan...More at Buy.com Marketplaces
You (the reader) are the son of a senior servant living in England in the 1400s. Instead of following in your father s footsteps and becoming a servan...More at Buy.com Marketplaces
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