B. H-----
Subscription Director
Penthouse Magazine
PO Box XXXXX
Palm Coast, FL 32142
Aloha, B.
So, there you are, livin' large and kickin' it in the MUMMIFIED confines of Palm Coast, eh? Things are looking good for you, B. I'm happy about that. However, while you are lounging about the pool, sipping your cocktails and checking out the babes in the bikinis your staff is severely slacking off. Isn't that always the way? The low lifes and hourly wage earners are just not putting in the effort, and are consequently making you look bad, B.
What do I mean, you ask. Simple. I sent a notice to your office a few weeks back informing you that while I truly enjoyed your NUTSAC RAVAGING, PHALLUS PUMPING rag, complete with LIPS LIQUID wimmins with some serious JIGGLY BLUMPKINS and LUBRICATED, HUMID MUFF, I did not wish to receive your publication. My reasons? Well, even though I enjoy BRUISING my DISEASED, MINTY GLAND as much as the next guy, the price was just too much. I mean, come on, B., $45 for one year of delivered CROTCH BUTTER? Hell, I can get virtually all the GREASY DUTCH OVEN I want on the internet. Beside, what would my mailman think, B? I have a reputation to maintain within the community, you know.
Besides, at this point that is all irrelevant. What is relevant is that you obviously did not get my letter. I wonder why that was, B? Why didn't you get my letter? That hurts me, B., it really does. I mean, to think that someone like you can be treated like that by your underlings. The fact that a letter, personally addressed to you never reached your desk is a sad commentary on how your operation has degenerated. To be quite honest, if I had any doubts about hooking up with you before, they are all gone now. How could I enter into a relationship with an operation that treats it's own important people like this? I mean, if a major player like you can't even get your stinking mail what chance do I, a mere $45 a year subscriber stand? Something stinks like OILY BRONCO CHEESE here, B, and it's not just the fat guys in the mailroom. Heads must roll because of this, B. You are the boss and it is time for you to kick some hardcore ANAL MUFFIN over there.
Personally, I suspect the geeks and brown-noses in middle management. Those PIMPLY little bastards who eye your office with envy and desire. Yeah, you know who I mean, don't you, B. I'll lay 10 - 1 odds that one of those INFESTED SPHINCTER PIRATES is behind this. In fact I'm sure of it. Those Ivy-league jackholes are all alike -- nothing but dirty, STANK rat thieves, every last one of them. Think about it. How else can they hope to rise to your lofty heights other than by giving you the RAW SHAFT with some serious dry-entry? Hell, those DOUCHEBAGS wouldn't even think about giving you a reach-around. It all makes perfect sense: they don't do their jobs which, in turn, makes you look bad, then suckers like me begin to complain long and loud to the top, and before you know it the hammer gets put to you in a hard way. Fortunately for you, they don't know who they are playing with. I'm on your side, B. I'm not falling into their trap. But, as a friendly word of advice, I strongly suggest you start being very careful around the most blatant of the suck-ups. They need to get close to you in order to effectively stick in the shiv.
Still, the essential fact remains that I choose not to subscribe to your rag. Who knows, maybe I'll give Playboy a try. I mean, they are a bit less over-produced than you guys are (although you do hve the better fake letters). But then again Hef has always been more subtle than Bobby G. Let's be honest with each other, compadre, Hef has managed to cultivate the image of a sophisticated aristocrat while Bobby G has that of an badly aging swinger. Oh well, at least working for him is better than having to be a pimp for a true deviant like Larry Flynt, right, B? 1st amendment fight or not being around that guy has gotta make you feel like you need to shower.
Chin up, B. I am sure you will still lure plenty of subscribers to your mag. I bet you do great business in places like New York and Chicago. The time for you to worry is when your Alabama and Mississippi share lead the way. Then you know you have hit bottom. I mean when you sink to the level of pandering to incestuous, mouth breathing, banjo playing, NASCAR watching, line-dancing, tabacky chewin', sheet wearing, moonshine making, rebel yelling, wrestling fanatic, squirrel eating, coon hunting red necks, well then you are in the Juggs crowd, and I know you don't want to be there. I know you have some pride left, B. When Penthouse decides to start printing pictures of reader's drunken captives promise me you'll quit.
Again, I'm truly sorry I can't join your family, B, but it's nothing personal. Hell, I feel a kinship towards you … like we're sympatico. If you ever find yourself in SoCal maybe we can have a drink and talk over all the old times. Just remember to dress casually. But then, if you are really in Palm Coast you probably already know that life on the beach is a bit more laid back than that in the city.
Yours in Jesus,
The Fez Monkey.
*-*-*-*-*-*
This write off was the unholy bastard spawn of one Annexation and one Fragglemom, both of whom deserve to wallow with each other in their shared pool of sweat, spunk, and spit. Now do yourself a favor and check in on the rest of the gang of idiots involved in this mutual jack-off: Kristinafh - Roxymarie - Kris-Kochanski - Xiphoid - Badkittym - Obiwanjabroni - Annexation - Fragglemom - Phixed - Lessaleigh - Love_Less - Petra - Psychovant - Bijou - Young1028 - Deaser26 - Davidk93 - Brendametcalf - Repulsemonkey - Pogomom - Flamepillar - Jsallen - Galileo365 - Fallenjesusboy - Suspecterrain - Dastr8poop - Seraphofhades - Maggsmomm - Shadow_Dream - Spyder550 - Imokliel - Officer - Artbyjude - Farfetched - Prfstars - Nifer - 29th_Candidate - Sordid-1 - Lattechick - Sloucho - Blackmonolith - Mauriced - Difrentisgood - DGTurtle2 - Jkkelley - Natch
And as for Nirav and the other dog fellators, the Eep Topic Nazi's, and the hordes of the SAHM's who will undoubtedly look down their schnozzes at this, well, toss them in the water then screw them while they're still wet. They don't know who we be.
Penthouse Magazine is a world recognized magazine for men. Each publication includes: photos, articles, info on celebrities, technology, autos and mor...More at Abbey Discount Magazine Subscriptions
Epinions.com periodically updates pricing and product information from third-party sources, so some information may be slightly out-of-date. You should confirm all information before relying on it.
- Add to My Yahoo!: 
- Add to Google Homepage: 
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.