I don't know why I watch crap like Cherry 2000. I think I got this one confused with the similar-sounding, Roger Corman-produced Death Race 2000 (that one I still want to see by the way).

Anyway, Cherry 2000 was on TV a while back and, well…once I start watching something I have a really hard time stopping. Something in me just has to see it through to the bitter end. And while it's true that bad movies can sometimes be a lot of fun (you know, camp), this one doesn't really fit into that category—although that's probably what they were shooting for.

Cherry 2000 takes place in a post-apocalyptic future that recalls the Mad Max films, but isn't—in any way—in that league. I knew this right away when, barely ten minutes into the film, the director, Steve De Jarnatt, resorts to showing flashbacks. I mean, how lame is that?

Cherry 2000 (1988) casts David Andrews—a relative unknown then and now—as Sam Treadwell. Life is good for Sam because he has his very own female robot (a Cherry 2000 model, made back when quality really meant something). This android cooks and cleans like one of the Stepford Wives, but really shines as a sex slave (an area the movie doesn't explore in nearly enough depth).

Early on the two go at it on the kitchen floor where Sam is oblivious to (or doesn't care about) an encroaching flood. Well, it's coitus interruptus when Cherry shorts out and dies on the floor there. It's a "total internal meltdown" we soon learn.

Sam's distraught and decides he'll seek out another Cherry 2000. Things are never simple, though, and to do this he needs to hire a tracker—someone who will take him into a lawless, desert area known as Zone 7 where, rumor has it, there's an old robot graveyard. He hooks up with E. Johnson (Melanie Griffith), a cute tomboy with fire red hair that matches the color of her Ford Mustang. It's been sort of a dull week for her, so she tells him she'll do it. But she won't do it alone. Sam has to go with her, even though she's in charge ("I do the tracking; you just sit there and don't touch anything").

Anyone who's seen a few movies knows at this point how things will turn out. Even though Sam babbles on and on about how great Cherry was ("There was a tenderness, a dreamlike quality to her") we suspect he'll eventually want to sample the real thing. Just not right away. That would be too easy. Plus there wouldn't be a movie that way (or at least not this movie).

No, first he'll need to get them both nearly killed in a senseless quest for his sex toy. On that quest we meet some folks. The late veteran actor Ben Johnson plays old Six Finger Jake who also happens to be Melanie Griffith's uncle. He's sort of a legend and talks about the wonders of toaster ovens with removable trays (I kid you not).

There's also this insane bad guy Lester (Tim Thomerson) who has a band of armed followers. Let's just say you don't want to be invited over for a barbecue. And Lester's girlfriend Ginger (Cameron Milzer, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown) is a real ditz who hates the cities and is really happy with her new life out in the middle of nowhere.

Cherry 2000 is fairly predictable stuff. The story doesn't really hold our interest and this isn't glossed over with exciting imagery or a kinetic style (like in The Road Warrior, say). The energy level is set way too low; the leads are pretty ho hum and the payoff to all of this is trite and unsatisfying. This is what we were waiting for?




Recommended:
No