Hercules (1959) Directed by Pietro Francisci

"If you want something visual, that's not too abysmal, we could take in an old Steve Reeves movie"  Dr. Frank-N-Furter, Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The sweet transvestite from Transexual Transylvania hit the nail on the head with that line.  Steve Reeves movies, of which this is the most famous, are very visual, not too abysmal (not this one, anyway) and appeal to gay men.  Why is that?

Well, Italian made muscleman movies were among the first to treat men as sex objects.  They were "shot at crotch level" with the costume designers seeing how little fabric they could use to cover the actors, and how short the hems could be before someone fainted.  Not that it was strictly the men who are over exposed.  The women are healthy leggy specimens with a penchant for standing in profile while inhaling deeply.  None of them are brilliant actors, but if they inhale deep enough, you barely notice.

I would summarize the plot; but it hurts too much.  One of the most contrived patchwork stitcherys of myths, it combines the legend of Jason and the Quest for the Golden Fleece and a few of Hercules' 12 labors, with some extras thrown in for good measure.  Does anyone recall in which legend Hercules fought the ape men?  Anyone?

At any rate, Hercules is supposed to be tutoring the son of Pelias, the king of Iolceus, Iphitus is a spoiled and jealous brat, but Hercules falls in love with sister Iole, and goes on a quest to help Jason unseat Pelias, his uncle, and become king by finding the long stolen Golden Fleece.  There are many perils along the way, traitors in the service of Pelias, killer bulls, dragons, Neanderthals (Neanderthals?) but the really important bit is the Amazons.  A whole island of leggy busty women inhaling deeply, and a ship full of Greek sailors in mini togas long at sea (and note that they took Hylas, Heracles' lover out of the story and put in Ulysses as the kid/comic relief.)  There is wine and dancing in costumes that the censors only grudgingly allowed (This was 1959) and hints of whoopee.  (Ladies, Inhale!  Men, flex your pecs!  Roll ‘em!)  It was a HUGE success.

Never mind that the dialogue was as trite in Italian as it was in English.  Never mind that most of the actors could not act their way out of a paper bag.  Never mind that the dragon is a low rent Godzilla rip off, and the ape men are the WORST makeup ever; all that is irrelevant.  The point here is you get to see Steve Reeves and a bunch of masculine Italians run around having adventures with oily pectorals, and stomachs you could do your laundry on.

While most boys had Farrah Fawcett on their wall, I had the poster to this movie, (and Bruce Lee.) 

Not only was Hercules bold and brave and noble, but he looked hot doing it.  My kinda hero.

This review, like Steve, is Lean-N-Mean at an extreme 500 words.

Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Good for a Rainy Day
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children up Ages 8