WARNING: The following piece is entirely fictional and has entirely nothing to do with the characters (or whatever of his many personalities this writer has) involved in this review or anything relating to David Cronenberg’s 1996 film “Crash”. Though, what is fiction actually and is this piece nonfiction? The following piece does have gratuitous violence, graphic language, graphic sexual content & activities, death scenes, and all sorts of stuff (including things that will disgust many). If you can’t handle it, don’t read it. This isn’t a thing for consumers but a review that it is to be carefully read. Thank you.

(Another version of this review in a different format can be seen in the comments section).

Somewhere in the American Desert

thevoid99: (in fake Australian accent) Tonight, I’m standing here on highway 666. Running through towns like Cortez, Shiprock, Sheepstrings, & ending in Gallop, New Mexico. To some, a beautiful stretch of the American landscape… (in normal, fake Mancunian accent), but this isn’t a remake of the Oliver Stone classic “Natural Born Killers”. Instead, we’re reviewing another review relating to extreme violence, of sorts. David Cronenberg’s 1996 film “Crash”, a movie about people getting turned on, sexually, by famous car crashes. Based on the J.G. Ballad novel, Cronenberg’s script adaptation is by far, one of his most controversial film works to date as it pushed the boundaries of sex and violence in any other film.

thevoid99: Joining me in this review are four individuals, who you might have seen in a few films, that has decided to join me in this review of Cronenberg’s exploitation piece. My first two guests have traveled mysteriously in a time portal as they decided to join in this strange adventure, from the movie “Donnie Darko”, we have the real Donnie Darko and his girlfriend Gretchen Ross. How are you two doing?

Donnie Darko: Fine man, the time portal thing really got me and Gretchen here a bit ill but I heard this was going to be something fun?

Gretchen Ross: Yeah, I know we’re reviewing a movie, but why in a desert and why there’s a car here?

thevoid99: Well, the car has something to do with what we’re reviewing, you’ve both seen the film “Crash” like I’ve told you?

Donnie: Oh yeah, it was pretty f*cked up.

Gretchen: Yeah, I was surprised I didn’t fell asleep through the film but we’re watching it again on the TV thing in the car?

thevoid99: Yes, we are. Ok, my next guest is a young woman from the late 1940s who is the only participant here to survive a car crash. You might know this person from the Coen Brothers film “The Man Who Wasn’t There” as the town Lolita. She apparently found herself in the same time portal Donnie & Gretchen just traveled in and we gave a crash course in modern history, where she realized she wasn’t made for the late 40s. She too saw the film “Crash” recently, and enjoyed it as well. Ladies & Gentlemen, Birdy Abundus.

Birdy Abundus: Hey void, man it’s cold here. Hi Gretchen, Hi Donnie.

Donnie: Hey there cutie (Gretchen smacks him upside the head) Hey!

Gretchen: Pay attention!

Birdy: Are we reviewing this in a car and where are we going? Is there going to be an older man involved?

thevoid99: Well, I can’t specify where we going and no Birdy, no old men will be involved in this.

Birdy: Damn!

thevoid99: Ok, my final guest is a former makeup artist and a well-known Satanist, who’s been freaking us out lately though I find myself strangely attracted to her activities. You might know her for her involvement in a strange cult film called “Raven Beauty” which became documented in John Waters’ “Cecil B. Demented”. Put your hands together for Raven.

Raven: Thanks void, I brought some stuff for the trip. Anyone want goat urine?

Everyone else: NO!!!

Raven: Ok, more for me.

Birdy: Um, ok what’s the big deal over this? What are we doing?

thevoid99: Well, you’ve all seen “Crash”, right?

Everyone else: Yes

thevoid99: Ok, we’re all going in this old 1960s convertible with excellent mileage, top-notch engines, a full tank of gas, and new tires. We’re all going to talk about this movie while we’re driving on route 666.

Raven: Satan’s highway!!!!!

Donnie: Do you have to bring the Satanist?

Gretchen: Really, she’s insane.

Birdy: Yeah

Raven: Yes ladies, my god. You both look pale (punches both of them at the same time). Sorry, but Satan says you need more color.

Birdy: I’m gonna give you more color you Satanic f*ck! (Coming after Raven)

thevoid99: (coming between both of them) Hey, hey!!! We’re not going to fight here. Remember, I killed a few people recently months back. I really don’t want to kill any of you here. Yes, we’re driving on route 666, don’t interrupt me Raven, and we’re going drive real fast, talk about the movie, and maybe along the way, cause some accidents, kill some people, and we’ll all f*ck like monkeys.

Gretchen: Sounds cool to me.

Raven: Yes, a mass-murder for Satan!!!

Donnie: Ok but I’m driving.

thevoid99: Ok, I got shotgun, ladies in the back.

Birdy: Why do we ladies have to be in the back?

Gretchen: Birdy, he called shotgun first but don’t worry, we’ll get a chance in the passenger seat and don’t even try to make moves on my boyfriend b*tch.

Birdy: Hey, f*ck you, let’s just get in the car.

Raven: Where can we put all this stuff?

thevoid99: In the back. (Raven puts stuff in the trunk of the car and everyone enters). Ok, I got some music to get ready for this review. Any one up for some Queens of the Stone Age?

Donnie: Hell yeah, turn that sh*t up! (Void puts “Songs for the Deaf” disc and car turns on as the record begins).

(Engine builds up momentum as everyone is getting ready and the first song starts to come in “It’s the songs for the deaf”)

thevoid99: Ready everyone?

Everyone else: Yes.

(Donnie puts on drive and hits the gas fast as song cranks up with everyone banging their heads to heavy, heavy, music of QOSA).

thevoid99: All right, this movie begins with this couple played by James Spader and Deborah Kara Unger as James and Catherine Ballard. Both of them are trying to find some new sexual pleasure to spice up their dull lives but it hasn’t worked, neither has infidelity.

Birdy: So they couldn’t really do anything and I remember James asks Catherine if she came and she said no.

Gretchen: Yeah and she’s wearing some lingerie exposing her *ss as they watch all these cars on the highway from their apartment balcony where there’s more traffic than usual.

Donnie: Right, and James goes on the highway for a business meeting as he looks on photographs and, what the f*ck? There’s some family car that isn’t making us pass?

Raven: What? And what is that awful music they’re playing?

thevoid99: F*cking Celine Dion

Birdy: Donnie, crash these f*ckers into oblivion the way James accidentally swerved and hit a car with a passenger from that car flying out and into James’ front window.

Donnie: F*ck yeah (drive car even faster and pushes the family car and swerves them off where the family car hits a pickup truck where the driver of the truck flies out and lands above the convertible and sliding out while the family car blows up, killing the family, kids, and pets).

All: Oh yeah!!!! Whoa!! (everyone moans sexually)

thevoid99: Whoa, you can turned on by car crashes and Holly Hunter, who plays Dr. Helen Remington, exposes her breast to James in that crash as they both land in the hospital.

Gretchen: Yeah and James has these ugly bruises, cuts, and scars on his body including his left leg where his wife, massages them (Gretchen reaches into her pants and masturbates) oh, that scar James had was ugly but beautiful and (pulls void out of the passenger seat and into the back where she into the passenger seat) Donnie, let me drive and I want you to f*ck me up the *ss while I’m driving.

Donnie: Yes baby! (Pulls down zipper and f*cks Gretchen as she’s driving)

Birdy: Don’t stop. And there was that guy, Vaughn played by Elias Koteas who examines James’ leg and he was accompanying Helen and James is somehow, intrigued by that guy and wonder what’s going on.

Raven: Yeah, there’s this strange underworld of staging car crashes. Which is pretty cool and essential Cronenberg if you seen any of his films like “Scanners”, “The Fly”, “The Brood”, and my favorite, “Rabid”. James then meets Helen in an impound where they buy the same old car James had and they crashed and they of course, f*ck in an airport.

Birdy: Yeah, that was sexy (she reaches into her dress and masturbates while watching Donnie f*cking Gretchen), let me in the passenger chair.

thevoid99: Ok, I’m now sitting and there’s one girl masturbating and a couple f*cking while they’re driving. How come you’re not doing anything yet, Raven?

Raven: I’m just waiting for the right moment.

thevoid99: Ah, you want to wait for the climax. Cool.

Raven: Yeah, so after James f*cks Helen in an airport, they go into this little art performance thing where its held by Vaughn.

Birdy: (continues to masturbate and gets a peek at Donnie’s Darko) Right and oh, they recreate the car crash of that 50s movie star James Dean.

thevoid99: Yeah, James, Helen, and other spectators watch as they see Vaughn and a guy named Seagrave, played by Peter MacNeill, recreate James Dean’s death and of course, everyone goes nuts but they leave in a frenzy after some transportation thing from the Canadian government, the movie is based in Canada by the way.

Gretchen: Yeah, it’s cold there and oh (Gretchen & Donnie c*ms and swerve and causing another car to crash into another) and Vaughn, James, Helen, and Seagrave go to Vaughn’s workshop where they meet another of Vaughn’s patrons, Gabrielle played by Rosanna Arquette. Who did we just killed?

Donnie: I think it was some couple, f*ck it. (Gretchen climbs out of Donnie and gets in the back while Birdy finally sees all of Donnie’s Darko and c*ms too).

thevoid99: Having fun yet Birdy?

Birdy: Yeah, void could you come into the passenger seat? I want you to f*ck me.

thevoid99: All right then. (Climbs into passenger seat and f*cks Birdy)

Raven: Gabrielle is this woman who has all of these weird braces and stuff on her legs and back, I have them too (shows Gretchen her scars and stuff). What you think?

Gretchen: Whoa, that’s pretty cool. That’s must hurt.

Birdy: Yeah, oh, oh, can I f*ck you later Raven? (Moans along with void)

Raven: Sure Birdy. So after seeing these pictures of Vaughn’s car crash staging, James invites Catherine for a practice run of what they’re going to do and Vaughn almost crashes her car but she at first, gets scared and later excited as she f*cks James and he would later f*ck Helen as well.

Donnie: Man, getting the thrills of car crashes. It’s kinky. Hey void, you have any other CDs?

thevoid99: Uh… YES!!! (void c*ms w/ Birdy) Here’s some Ministry, put “Jesus Built My Hotrod” and it’s not a Christian song by the way. (Pulls out condom) That was good Birdy.

Birdy: Thanks, you weren’t bad yourself (she climbs back to the back).

Donnie: (Blasts “Jesus Built My Hotrod” on player) Man this song rocks. Helen, Gabrielle, and James all watch these car crashes on how to crash them and all sorts of detail while they all fondle each other, am I right void?

thevoid99: (smokes cigarette) Yeah man, f*ck. And everyone is starting to get turned on as Vaughn invites James for a car ride where he insists that car crash presentations are the future and they bring a hooker for the ride where Vaughn f*cks her.

Donnie: Cool man, and when they returned to his workshop, Catherine is there as they hear of a report on another car crash that caused a traffic jam.

Gretchen: And that’s where everything starts to get really f*cked up in a series of things topping one another.

Birdy: Yeah, Seagrave unfortunately couldn’t wait to do the Jayne Mansfield crash where he died in that accident along with a dog and other people as Vaughn takes photos of it and all this weird sh*t.

Raven: The beauty of destruction (she begins to masturbate). Scratches, bumps, bruises, all sorts of pain in the 10,000 shrines in the house of pain, Alistair Crowley said that.

thevoid99: Yeah, I already know that. What the f*ck is in front of us?

Gretchen: Oh no, it’s all of these cars for this Teen-O-Rama thing. The Olsen Twins, Justin & Kelly, the Ataris, Ashanti, and Hilary Duff?

All: Oh, boo!!!

thevoid99: Oh it’s them all right with their crap, manufactured music. Dammit, I thought I would have none of this for the review. F*ck this, ladies get the guns in the back?

Donnie: Wait a minute, there were no guns in “Crash”

thevoid99: I know that dumb*ss, that’s why we’re going to cause more crashes and we’re going to kill everyone in front of us.

Birdy: And I thought the music where I came from was bad, I was wrong. Turn up Ministry’s “Just One Fix” (cocks machine gun)

Raven: This is for Satan!!! He doesn’t like bullsh*t music!!!!

Gretchen: I have the first shot!! (uses sniper gun and shoots the leading car led by Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey)

Jessica Simpson: Honey, was that a balloon that just popped?

Nick: I don’t know, I love you.

Gretchen: F*ck!! I barely hit that tire.

Birdy: Just shoot the b*tch in the head.

Gretchen: Ok, (shoots Simpson in the head and a multitude of crashes begin)

Thevoid99: Ok, let’s shoot these f*cker (bullets fly out and kills everyone in sight)

Donnie: Oh yeah!!! Oh sh*t, that dumb blonde’s car just crashed and duck everyone (Debris flies hitting everyone:

All: Ah!!!!!!! F*ck!!!!!!

Donnie: Everyone ok?

Thevoid99: Yeah, ow. Sh*t. I got something in my leg (pulls out an engine part) F*ck!!!! Everyone else ok?

Gretchen: Yeah, I got a few cuts there and there.

Birdy: Me too, Raven?

Raven: Ah, someone pull this piece of metal that’s on my leg (Gretchen pulls it out) AHHHHHH!!!!!

Gretchen: Oh!! Ew, that’s sick. (Raven receives a huge cut on the leg with blood dripping. I’ll get the first-aid kit.

Raven: No, let it bleed, I consider this a sacrifice for Satan.

Everyone else: Ok.

Donnie: So where were we? Oh yeah, after that traffic jam. James, Vaughn, and Catherine go to a car wash where Vaughn f*cks Catherine right in front of James but he gets turned on and sh*t..

Birdy: One of the better sex scenes in the film that gets topped by another later.

Donnie: Yeah, void help Raven in the back. Birdy, you can get in the front.

Gretchen: Donnie! What the f*ck?

Donnie: Don’t worry Gretchen, you’ll get a chance to ride the front again.

thevoid99: Ok, the scene Birdy mentioned features Gabrielle and James in a scene where the two buy a car and freak out a salesman and James f*cks Gabrielle along with her prosthetic braces and all of that weird… whoa, that’s a huge scar you got in your leg Raven.

Raven: Thanks, the way you just described it… was illuminating. And I remembered, he was… making love to that scar of Gabrielle… and void (grabs void), I want to f*ck me and my scar you b*tch, NOW!!!

thevoid99: Affirmative! Whoa…

Gretchen: Great, and of course, the film keeps on getting shocking with more sex and Donnie, what are you showing Birdy?

Donnie: Oh, this new tattoo I have and stuff like the one Vaughn had and James got turned on and of course, they started to make out (void and Raven moans intensely) and Damn you two, keep it down. Birdy, could you grab one of void’s CDs?

Birdy: Which one should we play?

Gretchen: Let’s try this Brian Eno CD (Plays “Baby On Fire”)

(A few minutes pass by as Raven and void heat things up with Gretchen watching and masturbating as the two bite each other on certain body parts and finally, they c*m as Donnie is still driving getting past whatever cars he can handle as the crashes start to dwindle).

Raven: Man, that was amazing. Wait, I remember after James and Vaughn start to make out and stuff, that was followed later by Gabrielle and Helen having a lesbian thing.

Gretchen: Right, and Vaughn had ended up some freak accident or something as the film finally comes to its climax, right void?

thevoid99: Yeah, (sleepily) I thought about making out with Donnie because of that cool tattoo he has but I’m beat, thanks Raven. That was amazing and apparently Gretchen, it seems Birdy is doing something to Donnie?

Gretchen: What? Birdy what the f*ck are you doing?

Donnie: Oh! Oh, oh. Thanks Birdy, wow. Whoa, that was f*cking great.

Birdy: Thanks, I tried that on Mr. Crane but it never proceeded and I ended up in a car crash and survived but now, I think I change my mind on older men.

Gretchen: Oh, now you have changed your mind? Well you stay away from him!

Birdy: F*ck you!

Gretchen: You wish!

Birdy: Oh, f*ck this. Raven, can I make with you for a bit.

Raven: Sure, just put void in the passenger seat.

Birdy: Ok, (pulls void in the passenger seat and makes out with Raven)

thevoid99: Well, I’m awake now, show me that tattoo Donnie.

Donnie: Here, I don’t know what it means.

thevoid99: I’ll tell you what it means. It means this tattoo is so f*cking hot that I’m gonna f*ck you up now (kisses Donnie and that tattoo on his chest as Donnie fondles void)

Gretchen: I don’t f*cking believe this, this is going way too far.

thevoid99: Oh man, and now I’m not sure if I’m really bisexual, oh well, f*ck it. Ok, Gretchen, you can ride in the front. I’ll go to sleep and it looks like there’s some upcoming traffic.

Donnie: Right, and this is where the film comes to its climax and this is where everything gets really, really shocking.

Gretchen: Yeah, and stop staring at Birdy!!!!

Donnie: What?

Gretchen: I thought you loved me!!!!

Donnie: I do but I’m in love with Birdy now!!!

Birdy: And I love you too Donnie

Gretchen: F*ck!! I want out of this thing!!! We have to stop, now. Now!!!

Donnie: I can’t. The brakes are broken

Everyone else: WHAT?!

thevoid99: That can’t be and what in God’s name is that in front?

(Another fast car coming right towards them)

Raven: That is the car that belongs to the guys from “A Clockwork Orange” and they’re not going to stop. We’re going to crash!!!!

All: F*CK!!!! (Cars crash into each other with bodies flying and debris flown all over the area)

News report: I’m on highway 666 where a horrendous car accident has been confirmed, no confirmed survivors at the moment as they all reached the hospital.

A few days later in a hospital.

thevoid99: Oh, where am I?

The Doctor (Christopher Walken): You’re in the hospital, void. You suffered some huge injuries but you’re going to be OK but you might have to go to jail dear boy. Sorry but you and your accomplices killed some people apparently, a couple of them has escaped.

thevoid99: Where’s uh… everyone?

Gretchen: I’m right here void. Unfortunately Donnie left in his time portal thing with that b*tch Birdy. F*cking *sshole and I never wanted to see him again.

thevoid99: Ok and Raven?

Gretchen: Well uh… Raven came here alive and looked fine but last night, her soul apparently has left her body to join the Satanic Army and that’s all I can say although she did leave a note for you.

thevoid99: (reading) Hey void, thanks for the invitation of the review. You’re a great guy but Satan is my main man. I’m sorry but if you ever want to relive that experience we had on Highway 666, just take my body and make love to me. Raven

Gretchen: You’re not going to do what I think you’re about to do, are you?

thevoid99: I don’t know, I mean. She still looks great for a dead woman and very sexy and…

The Doctor: Kid, are you sure you want to f*ck a dead chick? I mean come on, that is a little sick. Look you can be looked at ill ease with a dead woman or you can be with this nice young lady here. I’m not going to make the decision for you. If you’ll excuse me, I have to talk to Mr. Cronenberg, who is thinking of giving you some souvenirs and a possibility of including you in the involvement of the “Crash” DVD (Leaves room).

Gretchen: Ok, I may not be as pretty as Birdy or as strange as Raven here but I still think you’re a nice guy who’s a bit strange but has a passion for what he does.

thevoid99: Thanks Gretchen, you look nice underneath those bruise and cuts. I just realized I’ve been having a lot of sexual encounters with everyone except you. I think it’s because I didn’t think you would be up for it and I might be degrading you or something, which Birdy, Raven, and Donnie for some reason, didn’t seem to mind.

Gretchen: I can understand your reasons but that doesn’t mean we have to f*ck.

thevoid99: Ok, let’s just try to finish thing here. So, what do you give “Crash”?

Gretchen: 4 out of 5 stars. Excellent concept but a little extreme for many. You?

thevoid99: 4.5 out of 5 stars. Cronenberg pushes the boundaries once again with a superb cast including James Spader in the second part of his famed Indie-Sex trilogy beginning with “sex, lies, & videotape” and ending with “Secretary”. Ok, you’re willing to go into another crash frenzy once we recovered?

Gretchen: (Climbs out of bed with body aches) Sure but can we have sex first?

thevoid99: All right then. Ah, ouch. So in the end, “Crash” is a film that you’ll either love or hate depending on your fetishes. This is thevoid99 and Gretchen Ross signing off as we’re about to consummate this review.

Gretchen: Night folks. By the way, is void your real name?

thevoid99: No, and is Gretchen your real name?

Gretchen: No… (Kisses void in the lips and start to make love)

The End.

Written, Directed, Edited, Produced, Conceived by thevoid99

Starring (in Alphabetical Order)

Jake Gyllenhaal… Donnie Darko
Maggie Gyllenhaal…. Raven
Scarlett Johansson… Birdy Abundas
Jena Malone… Gretchen Ross
thevoid99… thevoid99
An Okrad/Nothing/Tart-Tart Production


Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Good Date Movie
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age