1. To append or attach, especially to a larger or more significant thing.
When I found a buttery bloke named annexation doing exactly what the root of his moniker says — attaching himself to a larger and more significant thing (he gave me a deserving MH on my last piece) — I felt compelled to investigate. And what to my wondering eyes should appear? A pretty damned interesting write-off, that's what. For those souls unlucky enough to be excluded from this reindeer game who might otherwise scratch their heads upon viddying the decadence contained herein, I'll briefly explain. The mission: incorporate all sorts of predetermined lascivious wordage into a product review, boldly identify them, and use them as imaginatively as possible. Stringed combos of these words earn extra points; the fortunate soul who earns the most points gets the Grand Prize, a jerk-off sock emblazoned with the signature of one David Lee Roth. "Very exciting... as a luggage problem."
Intrigued, and feeling worthy of an invitation to the festivities, I emailed this co-host and demanded inclusion. In their wisdom, he and fragglemom promptly issued the invitation I sought, resplendent with cute little bunnies. Then weeks went by, and that fleeting, fickle bitch I call Inspiration had yet to knock on my door. Ready to withdraw from the competition with my tail tucked between my greasy, toned legs, I decided to turn, as I often do, to the almighty Jesus for inspiration.
And Jesus is easily accessible to me, because He sits atop my microwave oven.
That's right, I have a Jesus Action Figure. 'Twas a wonderful birthday present from my loving girlfriend Jessica, and for now He proudly stands, mint in the package, on top of my blueberry muffin-nuker. And what better place is there to put my Jesus Action Figure? Above my Dutch oven, you say? Alas, I have no Dutch oven. Keeping Jesus perched atop my microwave is like automatically saying Grace before munching on a reheated McDonald's hamburger. "I thanketh thee, Lord, for bruised beef patties." And thanketh thee, Accoutrements (outfitters of popular culture™), for mass-producing my lovely Jesus Action Figure.
My Jesus Action Figure's packaging
Being our Savior, Jesus has undeniable presence all on His own. But the impact of His holiness is further enhanced through ingenious packaging. Even the most blasphemous douchebag, unfamiliar with His visage, cannot mistake the big bold letters proudly proclaiming the contents found therein: "JESUS". Below this Word, you'll find two more stating His occupation: "Action Figure". That way, there's no mistaking that this is, in fact, a Jesus Action Figure. Below His title is a quote from the Holy Bible, or perhaps just the Normal Bible, confirming that Jesus is way cool: "I did not come to judge the world but to save it - John 12:47"
My Jesus Action Figure is encased in a clear plastic mold, suspended in front the package's backing — a yellowed photograph of either Jerusalem, Israel or Bogotá, Columbia. Above this sulfur-colored adobe metropolis looms a somewhat foreboding, humid purple sky, but the comfort that Jesus brings assures me that the storm will pass. Gazing upon it evokes one of my favorite passages in the Bible:
"It is 5am, and the sun has charred the other side of the world and come back to us, and painted the smoke over our heads an imperial violet."
Perhaps the two most important features of the packaging are the proclamations of the Jesus Action Figure's abilities, and the requisite warnings about how Jesus can hurt you. On the front of the backing is the proud declaration of the wondrous skills possessed by the Jesus Action Figure: "poseable arms & gliding action!" Well, how about that! He can glide! I mean, of course the real Jesus could glide, but so can mine! I can't tell you how excited I am about this. If you look under Jesus' Christian feet, you can see four small rollers. An external wind-up mechanism is notably absent, but as Jesus said, "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction," so I guess after rolling Him backward, He glides forward with an exquisite grace fitting of our Savior.
But our Savior can also be our Destroyer. Printed in small letters along the bottom of the package, prefaced by the international symbol for Caution (a yellow triangle encasing an exclamation point) is the notice: "WARNING: Choking Hazard. Small Parts. Not Suitable For Children Under 3 Years." I find this very discouraging for two reasons. First, why would Jesus want to hurt small children? Second, why are children under 3 years excluded from the joy of being saved? If a rambunctious toddler were to choke on Jesus' small parts, would he suffer eternal damnation just because his parents ignored the warning? Sounds like a raw deal to me. Yes sir, the li'l tykes really got shafted on that one.
The backside of the package contains a biography of Jesus, sort of like the type you'd find written about your favorite actor at IMDb.com, or inside the sleeve of your favorite book. Unless your favorite book is the Bible, which doesn't really have an About the Author section, because the book itself is about the Author. Which makes me wonder: do autobiographies usually have About the Author sections? Seems to me like that would be redundant. But I digress.
Below the blurb on Jesus, you'll find a plethora of selected Biblical passages. Here are some of my favorites that DO NOT appear on the back of the box:
"Ravage me with cottage cheese, Bronco Boy!" - John 6:14
"Dat stank ho done stained mah sheets. Damn!" - Julius 14:7, 8
"Hey Zacharias, you ever get Elisabeth to give you a blumpkin?" - Luke 1:1
"No, Luke, but while I was pumping her perfectly plump rear, I gave her a Filthy Sanchez, and man oh man, that was some hot, sloppy sex, lemme tell ya." - Luke 1:2
"Wow, Zacharias. You are one dirty butt-pirate!" - Luke 1:3
Enough about the packaging! What does Jesus look like?
He looks like Jesus. You know, the standard impression that most people have of Jesus: male, Caucasian, late 20s to early 30s, long dark hair, beard, mustache, white robe, brown wrap thingy. Actually, His hair isn't just dark, it's black. Jet black. The shine on His face connotes an oily complexion, yet He has no pimples. Notably, the traditional Jesus lipstick is absent here. His palms are turned outward, suggesting His characteristic generosity, and they are of the non-punctured variety.
The poseability is limited in that it seems to include only the shoulders and elbows. Perhaps He can turn His head, like the real Jesus was able to do, but I doubt it. The majority of Jesus' body is stiff and unposeable — extremely unlike the real Jesus, who was known for being very bendy.
Jesus has no jiggly boobs, nor does He sport a juicy, lubricated muff. But why would He? He's a man, baby! — a man free of having to worry about becoming infested with vaginal warts. I tried to look up His robe, and found that the accessories normally associated with maleness — a phallus and nutsac — were missing as well. There was no anal sphincter either. In fact, Jesus has no crotchitals to speak of at all, so He won't have to fret about any STDs, let alone vaginal warts. This surely will disappoint some people, particularly the British, but it seems that Jesus' designers have entirely discarded the idea of making Him anatomically correct. I think it was a smart move.
So what do I do with my Jesus Action Figure?
I keep Jesus in His box, which faithfully adorns my microwave oven. Perhaps some time down the road, I'll nail Jesus, or rather, the package that contains Him, to the wall. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm unable to evaluate Jesus' poseable arms and gliding action at this time. For now, Jesus remains sealed in His box; I love the packaging so much that I feel I'd be a real boob if I ruined its splendor.
Perhaps I'll pick up another Jesus Action Figure someday, so I can keep Jesus #1 in the box and play with Jesus #2 all day long. I'll rev Him up and let Him glide across my kitchen floor, just like the real Jesus did in His day.
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And there you go. I've pretty much run outta things to say about my Jesus Action Figure, but I still have a few required words left over. So I'll just spew those out in an off-topic anecdote, so as to comply with the rules of the game:
In my investigation of mummified cream cheese, I found that it lacks the glands necessary to properly discharge its feces. Yet, oddly, when I gave an oral presentation discussing my findings, the ladies in the crowd found it to be an erotic experience.
Uh...liquid.
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My Jesus Action Figure has His own web page!
http://www.accoutrements.com/products/10746.html
And for something soothing to the soul, please slooshy this superbly pious ditty, King Missile's "Jesus Was Way Cool":
The epic drama about the man whom Christians believe to be the son of God and the Messiah, reveals how he, during his relatively short life, grew from...More at HotMovieSale.com
The life and times of Jesus of Nazareth, from His humble beginnings as a carpenter to His destiny as the Son of God, are vividly retold in this epic m...More at Buy.com Marketplaces
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