Ah, Japan. A land of salarymen drinking Ichiban beer while discussing besoboru over steaming bowls of noodles. A land of tranquil things like say, rock gardens or Shinto shrines. A land full of scheming yellow men and filled to the brim with torpedoes, bombs, and aircraft and just waiting, waiting, WAITING to unleash them on a love triangle of such heartbreaking banality that all you can do is stare at the carnage onscreen, shake your head in stunned amazement, and whisper "But Ben Affleck is still alive."
Welcome to Pearl Harbor, a screaming, roaring, weeping, spewing colossus of a movie directed without care or competence by Michael Bay, the auteur who dared to bring you the quirky, bold, and surprising arthouse hit "Armageddon" starring well . . .Ben Affleck in a love triangle of heartwrenching banality. This time, Ben is teamed with that noblest of bird dogs, Mr. Josh Hartnett. You may remember Josh from such modern day classix as "The Faculty" and "Halloween H2O" ("How's Water Involved? Who Knows!") and, either through poor decision making or agent error, the superb "The Virgin Suicides." Josh isn't required to really stretch his acting muscles in any of these, really. Mostly he looks confused or concerned.
SPOILER ALERT!
In Pearl Harbor, Josh reaches deep into that well from which all actors draw from time to time and musters a third expression: righteous anger. Do NOT think that it's concern you see on his face. No, that's righteous anger.

TENNESSEEIN' IS TENNESSBELIEVIN'
Our story begins in Tennessee in 1923. The boys are shown to be A) friends, B) patriots, and C) accident-prone when it comes to airplanes. A stage is set. A line is drawn.

START SPREADIN' THE NE--OUCH!
We then move to Mitchell Field on Long Island, NY. Ben and Josh have been issued the names Rafe and Danny by the Army, and they've followed their dreams and are now fighter pilots! Dreams can come true! They wear khaki and do things like play chicken in their P-40 fighter planes, much to the amusement of their fellow pilots. Uh oh! Alec Baldwin, their commander, doesn't like that at all! But he assumes that Rafe and Josh are confused by the mountains which inexplicably show up in the background in the scenes shot on "Long Island" so he lets them go with a stern "I'll see you boys later in the film!" and we then move on to meet. . .

THE LOVE INTEREST OR, DON'T GET SICK
We meet the love interest on a train. She's a nurse. Talking to fellow nurses. If you're a nurse, well this scene is the film's time to shine. She's a wholesome doe-eyed young thing named Evelyn who looks like she'd have a pink bidet and croon "I love you" to pictures of Andy Hardy. She tells her fellow nurses that she met and fell in love with Ben Affleck, known henceforth as Rafe. All these nurses collide with all the fighter pilots in Rafe and Danny's squadron. Love and comedy ensue. Rafe tells Evelyn he has to go to Britain to fly a fighter for the RAF. Evelyn musters concern and ocular dampness. Rafe heads to Britain. Evelyn, shrieking curses, to Hawaii.

ALOHA, JERRY'S ON MY TAIL

Evelyn and the nurses head to Pearl Harbor to work at the naval hospital or, if you prefer, the Naval Hospital. Rafe meanwhile battles Nazis in his sleek British Spitfire. We almost get a trademark phrase when Rafe yells "Hammer down!" on two occasions while shooting at Jerry, but inexplicably, these two words are never heard again. Tut-tut, filmmakers! Anyway, Rafe and Evelyn write each other every day and are secretly laughed at by the audience. Evelyn goes the the beach and looks at the ocean. Rafe's plane is riddled with machine gun fire and he crashes INTO the ocean. Yes, the web of coincidence grows dimly visible.

I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS OR, DON'T I LOOK SMART IN KHAKI!

It's up to Josh Hartnett, known as Danny, to tell Evelyn that their mutual object of affection, Rafe, has nosed into the Channel and is presumed dead. Aie. Comedy ensues. Meanwhile, the Japanese are saying things to one another. The one-named actor Mako, playing Admiral Yamamoto, grimaces and lays his plans. Mako was hired because he was the only Japanese actor that director Michael Bay could think of by name. U.S. military men are either concerned or complacent. Uh oh.

CAN'T KEEP A GOOD CRACKER DOWN OR, BUT I HAD SEX WITH HER YESTERDAY!

Three months after Rafe goes kersploosh, Danny and Evelyn commence to having a love affair in order to do something life affirming in the face of Rafe's death and to have sexual intercourse. Things are going great in Oahu, but across the Pacific, six Jap'nese aircraft carriers are marshalling. Torpedoes are being wheeled around underneath planes on decks. Admiral Yamamoto's grimaces have kicked into overtime to the point where he appears to be wrestling with severe digestive difficulty. In Washington, President Jon Voight is wheeled about the White House. Yes, things are beginning to happen.
Oh, and Rafe comes back from the dead. Chaos ensues.

HOLY BALONEY! OR, I THOUGHT YOU'S DEAD, Y'OLD SUMBITCH!

Ben Affleck can't be killed by conventional weapons. American moviegoers have long known this. The Germans apparently do not. But he's back. And in Hawaii. And arrives there the SAME DAY that Evelyn, his good old girl, realizes that she is carrying within her a wee miracle made from Danny's seed. Quick recap: She was Rafe's girl first.
Rafe and Danny have a fistfight on the evening of December 6th, unaware that 300 miles north of their scuffle, in the dark and brooding waters of the Pacific, trouble is brewing. Brewing in the form of 350 planes with bombs, torpedoes, machine guns, and angst-seeking missiles.

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Pearl Harbor is attacked with spectacular special effects and numerous ships are obliterated, including several ships built in the 1970's. Oopsie! Michael Bay seems a bit confused. A Japanese armor-piercing bomb detonates the battleship Arizona's supply of potatoes. The ship is rent in twain.
Evelyn treats the wounded bravely in soft focus cinematography. Rafe and Danny fight the Japanese bravely with the help of a grizzled Tom Sizemore. Comedy ensues.

SEND ME ALEC BALDWIN

Alec Baldwin and his voice are ordered to attack Japan with 16 bombers launched from the deck of the carrier Hornet. He does. And Rafe and Danny, despite not being B-25 bomber pilots, are right there with him! They all fly over Japan and bomb it, then crash land in China. Danny is killed. He says to Rafe, "Rafe, I'm so cold!" The audience grimaces and looks away from the screen. Comedy ensues.




Recommended:
No

Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children up Ages 8