Nirav Tolia, Epinions has hired me to seduce you---now strip, bad boy!
Written: Feb 06 '01
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Pros: Newt Gingrich not tapped to be one of the supersexy singles
Cons: I missed the episode with Margaret Thatcher, Tony Siragusa and Strom Thurmond in butt floss
The Bottom Line: Hordes of prostitutes, plus four "steady" couples enjoy and don't enjoy Belize vacation. Don't be fooled; there's no more actual sex going on here than on The Facts of Life.
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| Lobstergirl's Full Review: FOX |
If you're anything like me, you may have a recurring fantasy in which you cut off Ted Koppel's legs with a buzzsaw and attach Diane Sawyer's. Then you cut off Diane Sawyer's feet and attach Jim Lehrer's, then cut off his toes and sew on Star Jones'. Then you sever Ted's arms and attach Barbara Walters', slice Barbara's off at the elbows and attach Meredith Viera's forearms. You sever Harrison Ford's ears and sew them onto Ted's forehead. Then you scalp Sharon Stone and sew your trophy over top Ted's thick hair helmet. Voila: the celebrity you'd least like to be stranded on a desert island with.
Notice how the island has become the entertainment industry's most reliable trope: male and female prostitutes hired to seduce couples on Fox's Temptation Island; greedy, attention-grabbing little Boy and Girl Scouts marooned on Survivor I (a little Malaysian island called either Palau Ugula or Palo Alto) and II (a bigger island called Temptation Outback); Tom Hanks cast ashore on Fedex Island; Jim Lehrer marooned on the new set of his eponymous variety-show; Star Jones' little features marooned in the middle of her vast puffy face on The View, Ricardo Montalban's 70's free-love freak show featuring sliced-off station wagons Fantasy Island. (I won't even go into the Ur-Island, Gilligan's, never having seen the show.) Temptation Atoll, Temptation Isthmus, Temptation Valley, Temptation Plateau, Temptation Chaparral somehow don't have the same ring. Actually Temptation Island doesn't really flow mellifluously off the tongue, but they were the only two words that the focus groups understood.
(Hi, honey, what are you up to? Well Mom, Fox TV just hired me to seduce up to four men, possibly including but not limited to oral and anal sex and intercourse! Honey, I am so proud of you. That is definitely something we'll include in the Christmas newsletter, and I knew that lifetime membership at Bally's would pay off for you!)
In the spirit of -- well, not wanting to write an opinion on Estee Lauder Very Vitalizing Butt Milk -- I've assembled a few ideas for Fox's next season. This could really RRRRRIP two people apart !!!!!
Temptation Trailerpark: Four couples are trapped in a trailerpark with several dozen sexy sisters, uncles, and cousins. Oodles of wife-beaters and exposed bra straps make this show way too hot to handle!
Temptation Tundra: Four couples are marooned with a herd of very horny caribou, during mating season! Reconstructive plastic surgery not included.
Temptation Taliban: The men's juices will really get flowing when they are allowed furtive glimpses of a soft, flared nostril or a curvaceous wrist. Unfortunately for all, anyone caught looking will be buried up to his or her neck and beheaded by scimitar.
Temptation Tienamen Square: Hordes of sexy singles flaunt their wares -- but watch out, you never know when those tanks might start rolling!
Temptation Gulag Archipelago: Hosted by Alexander Solzenitsyn, four couples are tempted by gulag prisoners resembling Calista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle, except even skinnier and sexier! These girls are so lean, they have trouble keeping their bikinis on!
Temptation Rainbow Push Coalition: Four couples are marooned with Jesse Jackson at Rainbow Push Headquarters. For extra tension, it's mating season!
Recommended:
No
Average Program Rating: TV G -- general audiences
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Epinions.com ID:
Lobstergirl
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Member: Distressa Bologna-Cohen
Location: The Northern District of Illinois
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Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas.
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