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Dear Sordsman, (Reply to this comment)
by jkkelley
I found myself in agreement with most of what you had to say here. However, I am now stuck with the mental picture of the Skipper making Mr. Howell with mingled pleasure and pain.
I'll get you for this.
jk
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Mar 24 '01
11:42 am PST
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I was led here by your censorship rant... (Reply to this comment)
by jazzbocrow
All I can say is: there is no way in hell I would do the Skipper. He's probably been with enough professional ladies that he really has no idea how to please a woman(other than giving her a few bills).
I have to agree with lambira that geeks are where it's at. However, Gilligan is my geek of choice. The Professor is too technical and can't relax, whereas Gilligan is easger to please and very thoughtful. He probably spends lots of time thinking about what he would do with a girl--if he ever got the guts to act on his urges. He might need a little prompting to get started. But a little palm wine or some fine Maui wowee and he would be my man. Maybe he'd have to learn a few things, but I know he would do so willingly.
He also seems like he would have unbelievable stamina. Have you ever seen him peddle that washing machine or run across the island when his pants are on fire?
Wow, now I want to go watch TV.
Great piece. (that's your writing, not Gilligan)
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Oct 22 '00
1:57 pm PDT
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high ku? (Reply to this comment)
by lightnin
Outrageous review.
Where the hell did that come from?
Still, it makes me smile.
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Oct 08 '00
1:42 am PDT
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Re: As a MaryAnn living in a Ginger world, (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Dawn,
Hey, overall I'd say the "Maryanne vs. Ginger" debate probably settles in about 50-50. Of course, that doesn't hold water here in this comment section because the vast majority of my readers (especially SLOW) are perverted degenerates who prefer the sweet and easy promise of a Gingerly good time.
But there is no shame in being the Maryanne.
Thanks for stopping by,
Sordid-1
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Oct 01 '00
6:45 pm PDT
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As a MaryAnn living in a Ginger world, (Reply to this comment)
by madaer
I have to say I feel a little dissed. NO, not really. This is a great review, I would HR it a hundred times if I could.
Incidentally, I was named after Dawn Wells- could that be a Freudian issue with my parents? I don't know.
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Oct 01 '00
5:59 pm PDT
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Which section of the store contains the screwdrivers? (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Alright!
All the missing comments showed up!
AFTER I posted duplicates!
I'm an idiot!
Moron-1
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Sep 30 '00
9:08 am PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Hard_To_Please
Sordid-
How very kind of you to defend my honor---if any photographic evidence should surface, I assure you that it's been digitally altered since I've been promised that the original negatives have been destroyed. And as luck would have it, all witnesses to my brief foray into bestiality have met with untimely deaths (Dead men tell no tales).
Does etiquette require me to respond to each of your two replies using slightly different wording each time?...Mark
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Sep 30 '00
7:50 am PDT
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Re: Very creative... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
I dunno, Jake.
Readers of that sort of mag might consider this work sacreligious.
Besides, I'll probably make a good $1.50 from it here! Can't beat that for fighting cavities!
Thanks for stopping by,
Sordid-1
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Sep 30 '00
12:52 am PDT
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Re: HOE-LEE-SCHITT! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Annexation,
Thankee for the outpouring of good vibrations.
I am,
A Warped and Sordid Cliche
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Sep 30 '00
12:50 am PDT
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Re: This is rich! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Now, Miriam, you should know better than that.
Do you really think that someone who does not shy away from discussing Ginger’s mass-scrogging of all the island inhabitants or Gilligan’s probable flings with beasts that swings would be too meek to bring up the possibility of a couple naval buddies playing hide the sausage, do you?
It was merely a brainfart of epic proportion, and my shame knows to bounds.
I am going to join a monastery and eat a lot of peaches.
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
2:07 pm PDT
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Re: Now that you mention it (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Fair Juliette (aka shameless hussy),
You seem somehow surprised that the Professor had forearms protruding from his “always-white, always crisply-ironed turned- up shirtsleeves”. Well… what the hell did you expect? Tentacles? Perhaps some flippers? Hooves?
Of course he’s going to have forearms, you silly girl. Unless Lambira gnaws them off in deference to her disdain for women’s gymnastics. And we all know what a real and frightening possibility that is!
You are a silly, silly girl.
Silly, silly, silly.
All kinds of silly.
You ain’t nothing but silly.
But I like you anyway.
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Sep 29 '00
2:06 pm PDT
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Re: counterpoint (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Tammy,
Please don’t take me wrong here. I love you to death and would never do anything to cross you… but please, PLEASE don’t sully my wholesome comment area with such crude and lascivious speech.
As a man, I find the reference to the male sexual organ as a “dick” to be most hurtful and degrading. I’m sure the Professor would agree.
In the future, if you must mention the homme naughty bit in my comment section, please refer to it as one of the following: penile appendage, wonker, Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew, the main vein, or the superlicious monocular wondersnake.
Your compliance with this reasonable request is most appreciated.
Sordid-1
Sometimes I can be such a dick.
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Sep 29 '00
2:05 pm PDT
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Re: HR HR HR HR HR HR HR (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
AfroPuff,
Thank you for your most kind remarks. What Leah is lacking in “ego-stroking” technique, you have more than made up for!
And thank you for noticing the haikus. I was really torn about using them or not. It is hard for me to lay my poet soul out for all to see, exposing my innermost thoughts and desires. It makes me feel so vulnerable. And they don’t even rhyme! But your kind words have encouraged me and helped expidite the process of inflating my ego (and subsequently my head).
Thanks again,
Big Head Sord and the Monsters
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Sep 29 '00
2:04 pm PDT
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Re: I want a man with a SLOW hand... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Leah,
Back in my early adulthood when I was young and gullible, I actually dated a married woman for six months or so without even realizing her matrimonial state. While this caused a temporary bout of misogyny, I did recover and likewise have sworn off stroking those with a ball and chain.
Do I know you from somewhere? “most hollow and empty, superficial and shallow, non-rewarding and non-ego-enhancing, unfulfilling and self-sabatoging” It’s almost as if you have seen right through my façade and identified the very essence of my inner being. Have you been talking to my neighbors? My co-workers? My he-bitch pimp? I think if you honed this skill, you could have a very promising career ahead of you as a psycho phone friend.
What number am I thinking of? Quick, WHAT NUMBER?
<<You probably knew I was going to say that, huh?>>
I like pandas, and I am generally jovial and mirthful. Happy trudging!
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
2:03 pm PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Mark,
If I had a dollar for every time I have put my neck on the line in a desperate attempt to protect you from wild allegations of porcupine sex, why, I’d have a dollar by now.
Your comment proved to be quite enlightening to me. Specifically this portion: “ anytime one is mounted by a horny male sporting, not one, but hundreds of sharp quills, squealing is inevitable.”
After reading that, I thought to myself, “HEY! Self! Now I finally know how I am going to dress up for Halloween this year!”
I will gladly keep handing out the free psycho therapy, if you will continue to dole out these nifty holiday tips!
Still porquine after all these years,
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
2:02 pm PDT
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Re: I'm not sure which is funnier... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Workin’ mom,
You are right, some of the premier humorists of this sight have popped their demented little heads into the comment section this go-around.
Regarding your query as to Mark’s seemingly extensive knowledge of the intricacies of porcupine sex… he elaborated on this shortly after you asked. Now it would seem odd that someone would just “happen” upon this knowledge <wink, wink>, but apparently he has had lots of time to ponder this scenario and has utilized deductive reasoning (and deductive reasoning ONLY!) to come to this conclusion.
Considering the logistical difficulties in learning this information first-hand, I think we have no choice but to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
2:01 pm PDT
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Re: Like a Volvo owner with a bad attitude, (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Bad boys, bad boys… whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when nathsmom comes for you?
Well, Fiona, I don’t see how you could possibly resist me. I don’t see how ANY woman could resist me. Just look at my profile picture. JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURE! ME WITH MY JAUNTY HAT AND STYLISH COIF! I AM A GOLDEN GOD!
Whoops, getting carried away there.
What can I say, Fiona? I’m a rebel. I’m a bad man. Been that way for years. It’s not just image, I am the real deal. Even back in my early teen years, my devious ways were showing through. I used to sneak down the stairs, open up the fridge, grab one of Dad’s beers… and drink half of it!
Why just today, I have 1) turned left on red 2) tore a tag off a mattress & 3) urinated outdoors. I’m a bad, bad man, Fiona. You’d best just steer clear of the likes of me.
Sordid-1</i>
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Sep 29 '00
1:59 pm PDT
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Very creative... (Reply to this comment)
by jdanishevsky
absolutely genious piece of work. Should have been published in the magazine of some sort about those older TV citcoms.
Great that is all i can say. Very entertaining. Jake.
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Sep 29 '00
12:46 pm PDT
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HOE-LEE-SCHITT! (Reply to this comment)
by annexation
Words can't describe the awe I'm feeling right now.
Loved the haikus, man. Dead-on accurate!
a face that could sink a thousand ships
And loved the way you took all those cliches and warped them with sordidness.
HR to the max!!
-Mark
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Sep 29 '00
12:26 pm PDT
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Re: Thanks a lot. (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
All my special "little buddies"...
I had answered each and every message on this board from you fine, upstanding human beings... but they were somehow consumed and devoured by the gaping maw of epinions.
I'll try to do a dramatic reenactment of those replies later, so don't anyone go feeling ignored or anything.
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
10:11 am PDT
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Re: This is rich! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Now Miriam, if I have the audacity to claim that Ginger scrogged the entire manifest of the Minnow and infer that Gilligan does icchy things with simians, do you really think that I would be too shy to give passing mention to a couple of naval buddies playing hide the salami?
I think not! Its exclusion was just a mammoth brainfart on my part, and my shame knows no bounds.
I have been accused of many things, Miriam... but having excessive couth is not one of them!
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
9:07 pm PDT
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Re: Now that you mention it (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Sweet Juliette,
You seem somehow surprised that it was forearms protruding from the Professor's always-white, always crisply-ironed turned-up shirtsleeves.
What the hell did you expect? Tentacles? Maybe hooves? Of course it was going to be forearms! Well... unless Lambira gnawed them off in deference to her unholy rancor towards women's gymnastics.
You are a silly girl.
Silly, silly, silly.
But I like you anyway.
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
9:00 pm PDT
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Re: counterpoint (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Tammy,
Please don't take this wrong, I love you to death and don't want to put you off in any way, shape, or form... but please, PLEASE do not come into my comments section and bandy about such crude, lewd, and socially unacceptable terms.
As a male, I find the term "dick" derogatory and demeaning. I'm sure the Professor would agree.
If, in the future, you need to speak about the male sexual organ in my comments section, please choose a more proper and befitting term from the following list: penile appendage, crotch rocket, wonker, Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew, happyboy, or superlicious one-eyed worm of wonder.
In the name of decorum, please comply with this humble request. Your cooperation is much appreciated.
Sordid-1
I can be such a dick sometimes.
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Sep 28 '00
8:47 pm PDT
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Re: HR HR HR HR HR HR HR (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Afropuff,
Thanks much for all those kind comments, while Leah was remiss in the art of "ego-stroking", you have it fully mastered!
And thank you for noticing the haikus. I was a little leery about writing them... laying my poet soul out there bare and vulnerable for all to see, sharing my innermost thoughts and shameful secrets. And they didn't even rhyme!
Regards,
Big Head Sord and the Monsters</i>
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Sep 28 '00
8:38 pm PDT
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Re: I want a man with a SLOW hand... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Leah,
Many years ago when I was young and gullible, I actually dated a married woman for several months without even realizing her matrimonial state. I don't think I have fallen prey to such chicanery since.
More to the point - most hollow and empty, superficial and shallow, non-rewarding and non-ego-enhancing, unfulfilling and self-sabatoging - do I know you from somewhere? Have you been talking to my co-workers and neighbors? Do you have a spycam set up in my house?
It is eerie when a stranger sees right through your facade and adeptly identifies the very essence of your being.
You, fine Leah, have all the makings of a top-notch psychic phone friend.
What number am I thinking about? QUICK, WHAT NUMBER???
<<You probably knew I was gonna say that, huh?>>
Your stoked but non-stroked pal,
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
8:25 pm PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
HTP,
We believe you about that whole porcupine non-incident. The logistics of such an endeavor are mind-boggling.
You have proven to be an inspiration to me... anytime one is mounted by a horny male sporting, not one, but hundreds of sharp quills, squealing is inevitable!
I finally know how I'm going to dress up for Halloween this year! Thanks, Mark! I'll keep giving away free psycho therapy if you keep doling out these fabulous holiday tips!
Hirohito eats boogers,
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
8:08 pm PDT
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Re: I'm not sure which is funnier... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Workin' Mom,
You're right... there have been some rip-roarin' funny people poppin' their demented little heads into my comment section this go-around.
Thankee for the kind comments.
As you follow the thread, you will see that Mark answered your query regarding the inordinate amount of knowledge he possesses in the area of porcupine sex.
As you will see, he has spent his spare time pondering this problem, and is merely theorizing on the likely reactions based upon his powers of deduction wink, wink. He claims to have had no... close encounters, and since noone has any photographic evidence to counter this claim, I say that we give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
8:01 pm PDT
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Re: Like a Volvo owner with a bad attitude, (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when nathsmom comes for you?
Hey, you got me pegged. I'm bad, baby. Bad to the bone. Been that way for years. From the time when I was a young teen and I used to sneak down the stairs, open up the fridge, grab one of Dad's beers, and drink half of it... to this very day.
Today alone I 1) made a left turn on red 2) tore the tag off a mattress & 3) urinated outdoors. That's just the kind of guy I am.
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
7:54 pm PDT
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Re: Thanks a lot. (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Lambira,
I apologize for aiding in the production of your unwanted emissions. My aim is simply to prompt laughter of a magnitude capable of forcing the reader to shoot 1) snot bubbles or 2) milk out of his/her respective nose(s).
Involuntary excretion of any non-snot bodily fluids is beyond the scope of my intentions, though I certainly consider this a bonus.
Odd that you brought up WKRP in Cincinnati. In the days of our youth in a parallel universe at the very moment you were admiring Andy Travis' fine, feathered hair and tight Levis, I was taking note of Loni Anderson's ample, yet oddly-shaped, breasts.
Now I don't want any conversation taking off on a tangent from here. If anyone had a special fetish for Les Nesman or Mother Carlson, by all means, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!
Thanks for the visit Lambira. You are the wind beneath my wings.
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
6:16 pm PDT
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Re: Your writ leaves me both aghast and humored... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Webguy,
The FCC is just fine with what I'm doing, however I did receive a warning citation from the Ministry of Truth. And I was specifically instructed by Big Brother himself to abstain from any Bacchian references, thus I glossed right over the infamous "Orgy Episode".
THanks for stopping by,
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
6:03 pm PDT
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