Australian Rules Football - almost a religion?
Written: Dec 30 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Sheer talent
Cons: not one
The Bottom Line: The only real football on planet earth
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| SMITHSWOODSIDE's Full Review: Australia |
If in the unlikely event you find this epistle not up to my usual standard, it is all the fault of fellow epinionator Nick Peters, known commonly as NFP.
Now Nick is an American but it's not his fault - it was just an accident of birth. But to his credit he knows there are new and interesting phenomena outside the jail called the USA and he is fearless in his determination to learn. Not only that but he is as funny as a smouldering Koala in a bushfire, a toy one of course.
I recently wrote an expose on sport in Australia and young Nicholas was horrified I hadn't mentioned Australian Rules Football, that is real football. But the fact is it is not that simple. A great many Australians are devoted to Football and over the last twenty years in particular the Churches have gone downhill at an incredible rate of knots to the point we are no longer considered a Religious country. That is a fact so don't get on your high horse with me!!
So while Churches are closing everywhere and being converted into houses come mansions, football has never been more popular. I don't seriously suggest there is a connection, although sometimes I wonder.
It reminds me of the birth of our twins. This was twenty two years ago and the doctor must have been American because he reckoned they were overcooked and was going to introduce them. I thought introduce to what? Oh, silly, Mum and Dad of course. Funny how stress gets you sometimes. Anyway the big intro's were to be made about ten o'clock on the morning of June 14, 1979.
I rolled up shortly before with the traditional father’s bag and Sue and I sat there, well she lay there, waiting. Lucky it wasn't long. A mere nine hours later Amy pops he head out, has a quick look around and dives back in! Bugger, says the Doc, missed her. But he got her the next time and made short work of Matthew too. As soon as they were in their tiny little cribs I walked over to Matthew and handed him the traditional football. I ran back to my stool just in time to "mark" it (catch it) - man what a kick, he's okay. Then it's Amy's turn. She stands up, holds the ball perfectly and launches it - it flies across the room and lands on Sue's chest - a little spout of milk goes up and the Doctor pronounces them both healthy normal Australians. It was a touching moment, and were we ever proud.
In the bad old days before Australian Rules Football there was a ball game played in Europe and England that they called football but it was really soccer. It is barely worth mentioning. The players can't even touch the ball for fear of getting their hands dirty - that is except for the Gomer Pile, nicknamed goalie, at each end and they wear gloves! Admittedly they do use their heads on the ball because it's the one place they can't be hurt.
There was also this curious thing in the USA. Really throwball, they are a bit confused and call it football. Often they are too ashamed to call it football so they call it Gridiron.
Most Gridiron players drink from the residue pipe at the local lyposuction ward. See, the fatter and closer to death they are the more they get paid. There is one exception who is kept in a prison cell on the sidelines. This joker comes out on a rare occasion and just kicks the ball and immediately returns to his cell. This is very important because this is the one bloke out there who looks pretty fit. If he was allowed to run through the others he would break them all in half - or worse, if he tripped he could be asphyxiated in fat.
These jokers wear body armour because they still think the world is flat and they must be near the edge. The pre game meeting where tactics are discussed is a complete waste of time. Their memory span is so short they spend most of each game all huddled together trying to remember - the first one to think of the next stage either runs away with the ball or throws it as far as he can in disgust.
Now real football, obviously Aussie Rules Footie, was created as an art form by Tommy Wills. He had played Rugby (Gridiron without the fat), and Cricket, being nearly as silly as Golf.
Often wrongly confused as a variation of Gaelic Football, it is actually a unique game all of it's own and a vast improvement over all others. It started during the eighteen fifties and it was at Tommy's insistence that the superior intellect of Australians would never result in any popularity with the existing half hearted attempts of devising a winter game. Tommy and his committee wanted a game of intellect and skill using the whole body. They started with only ten rules, the Ten Commandments perhaps? But of course Australians never stop improving things and the original rules are mostly gone know. One thing has not changed however. That is that Australian football was always to be a spectator sport.
Now describing a game most readers have never seen is not one of the easiest things to do. But if you imagine thirty six superb athletes who can fly, leap and run like superman as I lay out some of the basics you will get an idea.
Importantly there are no set sizes for the playing field. Around a hundred and sixty to two hundred yards long and about a hundred and forty to a hundred and sixty yards wide is recommended. Typically there is a fifteen to twenty yard variation between fields adding to the skill required. And you are right, it is egg shaped! Both the centre and outer boundaries are marked and footie is usually played outside on grass. Ask an American Gridiron player to run five laps and he will fumble for his car keys. Aussie Footballers must be able to do that and still sprint the last lap.
No padding or headgear is worn but if injured a player may wear some protection just to cover the injury. This is despite it being an incredibly fast game compared to the others. The ball can often move end to end every minute or less so everything is done at high speed. Some injuries do occur but are rarely major.
The ball is leather and oval-shaped. The standard size is 28 inches by 21 inches and it is inflated to about 10 pounds per square inch. Smaller balls are made for children’s teams.
The name of the game is to kick goals. At each end of the field are four posts, and between the centre two is one goal or six points. Between the outer two on either side is one "behind" equalling one point. As an example, a team that scores ten goals and seven behinds has a total of sixty seven points.
The basic skills required are to be able to kick the ball from both a running and standing position, with most able to kick sixty to eighty yards. Hence the ball usually travels long distances very frequently hence the speed of the game. A player can handball to another in a better position to kick but he must hold the ball in the palm of one hand and punch it to the other player. Throwing the ball is illegal. While sprinting a player needs to be able to pick up a moving or stationary ball and then keep running and kick it within fifteen yards.
The ability to run virtually non-stop for two hours is very important. There are many more skills required but hopefully you can see just how fast moving a game this is making it an ideal spectator sport.
Even if only to see a game virtually the opposite of all others must surely be worthwhile.
Recommended:
Yes
Best Suited For: Families
Best Time to Travel Here: Jun - Aug
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Member: Peter Smith
Location: South Australia
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