Locals call it Peeland
Written: Oct 18 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Progressive, forward thinking, willing to risk big to win big.
Cons: Hasn't anyone here ever read 1984?
The Bottom Line: Portland is OK, but I wouldn't base a sitcom there.
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| dastr8poop's Full Review: Portland |
Last weekend my wife and I went to Portland Oregon for the first time. We’ve lived in Seattle for about 3 years and you’d think that we would have made it to Portland, a mere 3 hours away, before now. Nope. Just too damn lazy.
I think a lot of this goes on though, several conversations I had before and during our trip led me to believe that very few people interact between these two north west cities. Most people I talk to in Washington refer to the coast, or even Salem, whenever I mention Oregon. No one ever says “Oh! You’ve just got to go to Portland!” And while I was down there, browsing through a hipster retro toy store (you know, the kind of place that sells whoopee cushions for the irony) I over head the clerks having this conversation:
Vivian: “You know something Neal, I don’t think I’ll ever go to Seattle.”
Neal: “Why’s that Vivian?”
Vivian: “Because it’s a totalitarian state Neal. Run by a fascist republican dictatorship. My brother’s roommate went up there last week and he said that they don’t have any homeless people on the streets. Do you know why Neal? I’ll tell you why, because they herd them into jail Neal. Starbucks and Microsoft are in cahoots with the police to make the streets of Seattle look like they do in ‘Frasier’. They send out storm troopers in riot gear to bust anyone who spits on the sidewalk or hasn’t done their laundry in more than a week.”
Neal: “Wow, Viv, that sounds terrible. I don’t want to go to Seattle either.”
Which brings me to another point. Politically, Portland is VERY left.
I like to classify myself as a fiscally conservative-socially liberal politically conscious person. Having spent most of my time living on the East Coast, I had very little exposure to the kind of hard-core liberal social agenda I was faced with when I moved to Seattle. My first week here I was approached by someone with a petition to get state funding for a program that would provide homeless teenagers with free acupuncture. That’s not a joke. So you see, I already think that Seattle is kind of fruity. If anything Portland is much, much, more ‘progressive’.
I don’t want to get off on a tangent here and start sounding like some right wing wacko, but Portland’s socialist vibe was so evident as to permeate every corner of the city. We visited the weekend that the US started to bomb Afghanistan, we were in a bar having drinks when we saw the first few missiles launch. Within minutes (literally minutes) there were several hundred well-organized protesters in the main square asking that the U.S. “Get out of the Middle East”.
I felt like asking them if we should just hang Israel out to dry, but then we both decided that more drinking, not heated political debate, was what the day called for.
Another example of this ever-present ‘vibe’ I got in Portland was coming from the city itself. By that I mean the actual physical structure of the place, not the residents. For several years now I’ve been hearing that Portland has been implementing unusual laws meant to contain “urban sprawl”. I’ve also heard this process will mold Portland into a kind of City of the Future. Laws limiting construction of new single family homes have given rise to a high rate of condo and apartment building construction. The effort here is to get everyone to move back into the city and live in neighborhood units connected to downtown through light rail and a series of sky bridges, effectively ridding the surrounding area of anything resembling a suburb.
Now, I hate the suburbs as much as the next guy does. I hate their repetitive, uninspired strip malls and housing developments. I hate the destruction that these things bring. However, I can at least understand their appeal. A house all to yourself, a small patch of grass on which to teach your toddlers to walk, sunny streets, a paperboy, you get the idea. What I can’t understand is the appeal of the type of community that Portland is trying to force its citizens into. I wouldn’t want to raise MY kids in a Borg Cube.
Speaking of the Borg, that is exactly what I was reminded of as I drove through the north end of Portland where much of the new condo construction is happening. All of these buildings share the same dimensions, exactly one square block. Most share similar color schemes. What the hell does this have to do with the lefty ‘vibe’ I was getting? I’ll tell you. As I drove through this as yet unoccupied part of town it dawned on me that this type of hive living was nothing more than an attempt to establish an urban communist utopia. As a freethinking individual, communal living is just abhorrent to me. I hate the suburbs, and I hate the forced social engineering Portland wants to undertake to rid their city of them.
Whew! That was deep.
On to more important things. In Portland, and in all of Oregon, pumping your own gas is illegal! That’s right, just like in the olden days, when you pull up to a gas station a man comes running out to provide full service attendance while you wait. Wacky! I’m not sure why this is done really, I think it has something to do with there being no state sales tax. Both times I got gas the attendant was there lickety-split and I left with a full tank and spotless windshield.
In Portland, bathrooms are nasty! We went to six different restaurants and four different bars and the one thing that they all had in common was nasty bathrooms. Not surprisingly we saw several establishments proudly displaying “No public restrooms” signs in the window. Why are the bathrooms in Portland nasty? Who knows? It’s a mystery, just like the gas stations.
Portland has some great food and beer. While we were there, I ate some of the finest Indian food I’ve ever had at a place called Swaagat. It’s just up from the site of the new living cubes on 17th st (I think). I got the lamb vindaloo, I suggest you do too. We also went to the Bridgeport alehouse. Bridgeport makes some fine beer and since it is readily available in Seattle, I was already familiar with their product. At least that’s what I thought. You see at the alehouse, their beer is served cask conditioned. That means straight out the barrel, with very little carbonation, just like the do it in merry olde England. And let me tell you, that makes all the difference. That beer was so tasty, I could even overlook the fact that smoking was not allowed.
One thing I was disappointed not to see was the roving gangs of heroin addled street kids I’d been promised by the TV. I’ve seen several exposé’s on Portland’s homeless teen/black tar heroin problem on the local media, PBS and MTV. Apparently these nice young upstanding citizens hop the freight trains in California and ride the rails up to Portland for the summer. But where were they? Why, I was led to believe that the place would be crawling with jonesing gutter punks spare changing for smack. But we didn’t see any! The closest we got was a regular old drunken bum who was nice enough to both ask us for a dollar and inform me of the existence of my wife’s sexy behind.
Overall I’d say Portland was a real nice place. I’ll probably go back there, and spend a few more days next time. The city has a lot of trees and is very green. There is a well maintained and, I’m told, convenient light rail system. In Portland there is a coin operated 24-hour Church of Elvis. The Portland Art Museum attracts some small but excellent collections. The martinis are dry and the beer is cold. I’m not really sure how to wrap up here so I guess I’ll end it with this:
Portland is nice, but if you’re going to visit the Pacific Northwest to see a city (why?) then check out Seattle. It’s larger, there’s more to do, it’s on the ocean, and in general, it will seem more awake and familiar to someone from the East Coast. Plus, with Seattle’s firm commitment to corporate capitalism (Starbucks, Mircosoft, Boeing) you won’t find us toiling for the greater good anytime soon.
Screw the poor!
Recommended:
No
Best Suited For: Seniors
Best Time to Travel Here: Anytime
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dastr8poop
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Location: Gobblers Knob, WA
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