I Can Believe It's Not Butter
Written: Jul 05 '01 (Updated Jul 05 '01)
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Product Rating:
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| Helpfulness of Suport |
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Pros: Jenny's often edible pre-packaged food
Cons: It has the half-life of Styrofoam
The Bottom Line: Jenny Craig is great for losing modest amounts of weight over a relatively short period of time--but don't plan on keeping it off once you start eating real food again.
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| cowboydj's Full Review: Jenny Craig Gold Membership |
Though I am quite certain never to be mistaken for Fabio, it gives me considerable satisfaction that the bronzer-stained Barbie-blond beefcake gets to eat neither beef, nor cake, on anything approaching a regular basis.
Moreover, considering the combination of mal-nourishment and excessive exertion required to produce an abdomen suitable for laundering clothes (a "washboard stomach" for those of you not paying attention), it is far more likely, someday, he be mistaken for me--this after the not-butter brass bet on a better butt, and a bitter Fab binge-flabs.
I just can't wait. No, really. I live for the moment when after bumping into bronzer-boy, half way into six chili-cheese dogs at Weinerschnitzel, I quite unexpectedly yelp:
"I can't believe it's not buffer!"
Like, yeah--that or "I can't believe its not Butterball;" I just can't decide. Help me choose and I'll split my fries with you. (Ok, I'll give you a couple…anyway.)
And speaking of lard I was quite scandalized, on a recent trip to my local Jenny Craig, by the cover photo on Miss Jenny's latest cookbook, "Simple Pleasures." Prominently displayed next to the "I Did It!" poster-parade of pencil-thin pixies meant to motivate the massive masses, atop an unnecessarily large number of copies for sale, the once svelte, stylish Craig was taking up far more than her share of the book's dust cover, prompting me to startle aloud:
"Just say no to stretch pants, princess."
Some of you will think me unkind, but you're wrong. If I looked like that in stretch pants (and I most certainly would), and Jenny held her tongue, I'd be hurt. Friends don't let friends dress drunk.
The Jenny jolter aside, I was looking forward to this, my second trip to the Craigster. My first time at Jenny, some eight years earlier, I wanted to lose only a few pounds; but after having just lost more than 100 pounds (and keeping them off, thank you very much) on a very strict diet that took 16 months to complete a couple years prior--I swore I'd never count out olives or weigh a raisin...ever, ever again.
Thus the only way I was going to do this at all was if I could walk in--buy food--walk out. On the other hand, the only way I was going to stay on this diet was if I could NOT think about food AT ALL--as in "meals from freezer to footstool in 1.5 breadsticks."
Though I encountered a modicum of resistance from an overly exuberant anorexic at my failure to attend weekly whine sessions, I was a lot bigger than her--and as a result things worked out just as I had hoped they would.
The major advantage dieting with Jenny is that it is both easy and convenient. Most foods are pre-packaged numbers, ready to be warmed or wetted to palatability in seconds. This is extremely useful for people who have lives.
Jenny's perky pixies will encourage you, strenuously, to attend classes (b*tch sessions) in order to encourage your progress (shame you into compliance). The only thing more motivating than the shrieks/sighs produced by your counselor upon weigh-in is the fact that it is done in the middle of a room full of people—neighbors, friends, your church minister’s wife, etc. The very same people, in fact, who are likely to catch you sucking the cheese-paper of a Whopper you hid in your locker at the Y earlier that same week (not that this actually happened to me, mind you).
The equivalent of a public flogging, a pronouncement of failure in the presence of these disdainful, whispering compatriots is, more often than not, sufficient pressure to produce future success. Think “Survivor” meets “Weakest Link”—only the island is filled with bitter, starving fatties competing for a side of beef and everyone gets to insult you.
Psychological trauma aside, the diet can produce results, assuming you are willing to eat Jenny, the whole Jenny, and nothing but Jenny. Herein lies the problem with this and other diets like it—unless you are planning to move in with Jenny, there will come a day when you are once again faced with real food.
You know, the kind that has calories and stuff.
One of the things I was most impressed while on the Jenny wagon was that I was seldom hungry. This because those clever chemists at corporate have managed to produce food that is utterly devoid of anything natural. Aside from having the half-life of Styrofoam, it is (for the most part) reasonably tasty and filling…
…but just try to eat the same quantity of real food and it’s all over, cupcake.
Diets like this are really only useful for people who need to lose a few pounds in a short period of time or for those who plan on adding or expanding an exercise regimen during, or immediately after completing, the diet. Got fifteen pounds to lose before that class reunion? Fine. Plan on wearing those pants again later? Forget it.
Anyone wanting to keep weight off for an extended period of time without increasing his or her level of activity permanently is looking at a permanent—and drastic—change in diet. Even Jenny knows this (though she seems to have forgotten, of late). Before to attempt to make long-term changes in shape, put some thought into what’s going happen after the diet. Gaining the weight back is not only demoralizing; it’s unhealthy—and expensive.
Hey! Decent stretch pants don’t come cheap, Loretta!
Recommended:
Yes
Food Variety Restrictions A somewhat varied menu
Restrictiveness of Portions Satisfying
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Epinions.com ID:
cowboydj
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Member: T Morgan
Location: Nashville, TN
Reviews written: 22
Trusted by: 271 members
About Me:
I laughed, I cried, I ate a cannoli.
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